Issues

I'm so beyond conflicted right now. Life can really suck sometimes. My case manager at the ED program I'm in has told me that focusing on my weight is easier than focusing on the other shit going on, but really? What else is going on that's that bad? Nothing. So why, oh why, do I feel this overwhelming urge to go back to starving myself? Maybe I'll try it for a few days, and see how it goes...

I'm baaaaaack!

Though I'm not sure how "back" I am. I've been really ambivalent lately...

So, for the past 6 months or so, I've been in treatment, and it was going really well until I moved into the evening program, which super sucks. Now, I'm toying with relapse. The only things that are keeping me from it are a) my *wonderful* new nutritionist and b) the amount of energy that my new job requires--I could not manage there if I stopped eating again, and there's no time for purging (plus? It would be SUPER unsanitary there...)

So I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to be thin again (I've gained 18 lbs, mostly by NOT following my meal plan, but I also feel like some of it is because of said meal plan. I don't know...) BUT I can't be half-assed about this if I want it to work, you know?

Argh! I don't know. It's just SO frustrating. I feel like all the good work I put into losing this whole ED thing has been thrown out the window, and I'm not sure of why. I also feel lke once you've got ED symptoms, it's nigh on impossible to rid yourself of them. It requires CONSTANT and concerted effort to keep the forces of evil at bay, and that's just something I haven't got right now.

But I don't want to turn into a serial treatment patient, you know? Someone who bounces in and out of treatment forever...

Help me decide!!

Cookies are hard to purge...

I've started sorting the world into "purge" foods and "not good for purging" foods...::SIGH::
I need to get a GRIP!

Irene

Irene is coming our way, and it's affecting my eating disorder, haha. I'm wondering if I have enough food in the house, twice over--one: because if I run out, I won't have to eat and two: because if I run out, I CAN'T eat. I'm struggling between whether I should follow my meal plan this weekend or not, and it's a tough choice. I WANT to be in the midst of my eating disorder, so badly (WHY can't I SHAKE it????) but at the same time, I have to realize that I'm in the midst of recovery, and I should be acting that way, not the other way around. Should I go grocery shopping? I *think* that I have enough food, assuming I don't go on a wild binge streak like last night. It's worrisome.

In other news, apparently I need to be eating full breakfasts, or making up the exchanges somewhere else in the day, so says my nutritionist (and I've come to the realization that ALL nutritionists are scary, scary people in their own ways...) So...guess I have to start getting up earlier in order to make myself the damned breakfasts--no more getting away with just a Luna Bar and coffee...Alas!

Bad Night

I kept waking up to B/P last night...like...5 times total. This is a new record for me, and I do not think it's one that I like.

I don't know where I stand on this "recovery" issue. I don't want to give up my habits, but I need to in order to live a full life...but I can't care enough right now. Alas...

Weird

I don't feel as many urges to use behaviors as I used to (I'm so used to censoring my statements now, haha--I call them all "behaviors" instead of what they are--binging, purging, restricting, and cutting...also, apparently, body checking/comparisons, and overeating.)

I don't know where I stand right now--my eating disorder is still trying to take over my life, but it's not as strong as it used to be. I worked REALLY hard to learn not to eat, and I'm working REALLY HARD to learn to eat normally, for once in my life. It's REALLY HARD. And I feel really weird about the whole thing (Do I even still need to be in treatment right now???)

A lot of emotions are surfacing, which used to just be buried deep inside. It's awfully uncomfortable to deal with, and tack on a mood disorder on top of that? Yeah...

I always wonder, when we have a Recovery Speaker come in, how my recovery story will eventually go: I was really crazy for a long time, then there was a family meeting, and I had an epiphany, but it wasn't a "hallelujah/angels' chorus" moment--it was a slow, arduous process...and eventually the ED was only a tiny voice in the back of my head, never rearing its ugly head again.

Maybe something like that...

Having nothing to do is bad for me

I could go to bed RIGHT NOW (...it's not even 5:30 yet.)

All I want to do when I'm bored is eat and sleep. I need something to do with my life. Stat.

...And I'm OUT...again

My insurance company is the dumbest insurance company ever--I wasn't even in residential a full week this time 'round before they decided to kick me out because I wasn't engaging in Behaviors (which I COULDN'T engage in within those walls) and because I wasn't actively suicidal (which is something I was thanking the LORD for...)

So now it's the weekend, and I'm free as a bird, without any support. Great.

I'm greatly ambivalent about this whole "recovery" thing--on the one hand, I recognize its necessity in moving forward with life. On the other, I feel this great need to keep a death grip on my problems. I feel defined by them...but what is a life that is defined by Problems? I'm reaching a stage in my life where I HAVE to be able to move beyond them, where they're beginning to interfere with the things I want to do. I'm not in the bubble of college any more. I HAVE to be able to function within the confines of the "real world" and that's not going to happen if I'm b/ping all. the time. or cutting every other night/week, you know?

I need to find a way to integrate these things into my PAST, to appreciate them for what they WERE, and not for what they ARE to me any more.

I'm also in a lot of trouble when it comes to meds. I've been off my mood stabilizer since two Saturdays ago, and I felt really good about it because I HATED it--it was making me shaky and making my hair fall out, and flatlining me like none other. AND it wasn't helping with the lows, so since no one in the program was doing anything about it, *I* decided to take it into my own hands and do something about it. So I stopped the drug.

But now, they really want me to take a new one, that's really going to require a commitment to take it. I am NOT a "commitment" person. Not in the least. I periodically decide that I'm fine, and don't need my meds any more, so I stop taking them, but if I do this with THIS drug, it basically counts it out for me (you can get a life-threatening rash on this drug, and the likelihood of that increases the more you start/stop it...) so if it WORKS, I'll be screwing myself out of something that could really, really help...

I just don't know what to do. My life is a mess right now, and I can't clean it up (much like my bedroom, which is currently a DISASTER zone, and part of why I'm sitting at Starbucks on my second venti iced coffee instead of heading home to face the music, haha) I'm so frustrated. And lonely. At least when I was in residential, there were always PEOPLE around. Now, I feel so alone....

I have more to say, but I'll probably say it later.

I'm fighting the urge to restrict today. I know that if I do that, the likelihood of gaining weight increases (and I still DESPERATELY want to lose weight...) because I'd be shutting down my metabolism, and because I'd be more likely to b/p, which is never 100% efficient...(I'm beginning to think about diet pills...) but the temptation is so great! (Also, I'm already doing it, not having had breakfast, morning snack, OR lunch at this point--just a conglomeration of some soup and chips, which have NOTHING to do with my current meal plan....they were just there, and I was hungry. I've been REALLY, REALLY hungry lately, and that disturbs me. I can't figure it out. It might just be the emotional need to eat, but it feels physical, and I can't tell any more. I just know that I WANT TO EAT. ALL. THE. TIME. ...except when I don't. I was doing so well in the program, and now that I'm on my own, I'm doing terribly. I need help still. In a major way....)

Anyway, that's all for now. Good luck, dearest readers, in your pursuits.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone...

I realize that I wouldn't wish an ED on anyone. It's just one of the most awful things around, and recovery from it is a bitch, if you even ever get around to TRYING to recover.

I think I will always have my ED. Even after I get out of residential and partial and IOP, it will always be there--a sinister friend, lurking, waiting for the right time to shine.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hope you all find ways out of this bitch of a cycle. I hope you all learn to garner yourselves some self-acceptance and maybe even self-love (I know, it's impossible and far off...) I hope you all get out of this vicious son of a bitch cycle of behaviors. I do....

I'll be back with more, but it's difficult to post/respond when you're physically IN treatment. ::sigh::

I do hope all's well with you all. I miss you, dear readers...

134

This morning, I weighed 133.8 naked. This is, apparently, the ideal weight for my gender and height. The healthy range is 119-149. I want to weigh 119. This is my new goal. All I want is to be thin.

A person is not her weight, but her weight is part of a person.

I have a lot to say, that I'll probably put in another post. But oh! My life! What a fuckin' mess...

Torture

I don't want to get better, but I do want to live a peaceful life.

Even if I do get better, my life will not be peaceful, because I'll always be battling my demons.

Some people weren't built for peace...

New Discoveries

I am a rather contrary, stubborn individual, and these are not necessarily positive qualities to possess.

Bored. Frustrated. Angry. These are how I'm feeling.

Also full, fat, gross, and out of shape.

I will get over it (when I get out of here)

Also, I may never eat another piece of fruit again in my life once I'm free of this motherfucking place....

Residential

So, I'm here. It's taking some adjusting.

I'm in such a battle right now with myself, between wanting to get better, and wanting to feel better the only way I know how. This is going to be hard....

Fuck

I'm going to Residential.

Will probably be MIA for the next few weeks...

M.I.A.

Out of shame, mostly. I've been eating like a pig (and puking!! I can do it again!!! Though it frightens me that I'm doing that...)

So, Wednesday, it occurred to me after dinner that I'd been mostly following my meal plan since the Friday before--a combination of the partial program and laziness (it's easier just to give in sometimes...) I didn't know how I felt about that, but then I got this overwhelming urge to do bad things to myself. I cut seriously for the first time in MONTHS. My fear is that with the eating disorder behaviors in check (kind of), the cutting is going to come back with a vengeance. I'm not OK with that--the ED at least FELT safe, you know? The cutting? It's gotta go.

So I tried NOT to follow my meal plan this weekend, and wound up BINGEING, BINGEING, BINGEING...and now that I'm eating so much, I CAN'T afford those calories...

I'm so FRUSTRATED. I'm stuck in this limbo place of kind of eating, REALLY eating, and restricting all at once, and it's very FRUSTRATING.

This shit's hard, dudes. Hard.

In other news, I decided that every successful endeavor I've ever launched has had a playlist, so this one needs one, too. It's my ED/Recovery play list, and I'm really excited to have it. It was a lot of fun putting it together! (I hope I succeed at SOMETHING, whether it's restricting or recovering. It's just so tough to be in this middle place of NOTHINGNESS. GAH!)

I hope you're all well out there in reader-dom.

Meal Plan

Soooo, I've been sticking to my meal plan (mostly) for the past four days or so. After the initial shock...it got a little better, and now I can do it. It still freaks me out--lunch time is a sad affair--but I can manage it.

Problem: once I start eating, I can't stop. And now, since I'm basically not restricting, I can't afford all those extra bingey calories. :(

I don't know how I feel about all this. I miss being hungry. Hell, I GET hungry on this meal plan, but now instead of pushing through it, I feel like I HAVE to eat (that disturbs me...) I don't know. I just don't know any more. What am I doing??

Fat Day

Today is one of 'em. No matter what, all I can see is my *fat*--It's EVERYWHERE! And there's no place to freak out, because no one else gets it, so you guys get the brunt of it (sorry!)

I cried after lunch today. It's just SUCH a traumatizing experience, and I can't even explain why! There's just so much FOOD! Snacks, I can handle, but meals? No es bueno. And I can't eat it all, so I have to deal with everyone staring, and THEN I have to deal with that damn Ensure (I'm SO SICK of them, and it's only my third day of drinking them!) All the calories! All that FOOD, just sitting in my belly! And all the food I wasted...*sigh* The guilt is endless, and I can't deal with it.

And I'm fat. Fat, fat, fat, FAT....

Good Mood!

It's a beautiful day here, I am dressed up, I do not have to eat today, and I DO NOT have to be at the PHP today--life is good!

This message brought to you by the letter C and the "I'm in a Good Mood" Committee! :)

(Only problem? I'm FAT today...but that's mitigated by how wonderful everything else is!)

Well, shit...

Went on a pretty sizable binge. Couldn't purge. Now I'm freaking out, and there's no one who could understand out there...

Irony

A bulimic who can't puke. Yup. That's right. I can't do it anymore. For now, anyway. I'm gonna try and give my throat a rest and see if that gag reflex comes back. In the meanwhile, it's pure restriction...

I started the partial hospitalization program (PHP) yesterday--it was AWFUL. Every 5 seconds, it feels like, they're making you shove food down your face. I cried a lot--at my former case manager, at my friend, by myself...I was SO FULL *all day long* yesterday, it was DISGUSTING. And last night, I completely freaked out. Completely. I used almost every negative coping skill I could think of, because I was so freaked out.

I feel so *trapped* right now--do this program and keep my relationships but lose my comforting negative coping skills, or DON'T do the program and face THOSE consequences...it'd almost be easier to die, I think sometimes...but I'm not suicidal right now. Just...worn out. Overwhelmed. Freaking the hell out. This shit is SCARY, and I DO NOT like it.

But, now that I've done one day of the program and managed to NOT stuff my face at night, I think I can come up with some sort of livable situation until my head screws itself on the right way and I realize that I need to eat to live, etc. So I'm a little calmer today. And I don't have to go in tomorrow because I have Appointments all day long, so no more dealing with this shit until Friday, and then there's the weekend (oh, the weekend...)

In other news, I'm going to try to donate blood today for the first time in *years*--I'm always so afraid that they're going to reject me, this time because of all the meds I'm on. But we shall see. Maybe they'll take me, and maybe I won't faint when they're done? :). I just feel like I *should* donate blood as often as I can. It's the right thing to do, you know?

I hope you all are well. Be strong, on whatever courses you may be taking at the moment, and don't let the world get you down. Life's too short for that shit.

Problem:

My hair is about 1/2 as thick as it was two months ago, and it's falling out like CRAZY still, even though I'm eating more than I was two months ago. WTF do I DO about this??? It COULD be the lithium, but they reduced my dosage, and I'm just not sure how to proceed. Also, it's freaking me out. My hair has ALWAYS been my pride and my joy, the only part of my body that I appreciated. :( And now it's going....HELP!

Officially Bulimic

I saw the paper work yesterday--it's official, I guess.

The diagnosis I've been trying to avoid for two years...

138 today (down about a pound and a half from a week and a half ago), and I can see the ribs near my collarbone when I put my hair up, but I'm still FAT.

Why do I DO this to myself???

Bored. Killing time. Thirsty. So what do I do? Go in search of a smoothie, despite the fact that I've eaten most of a dinner AND a damnable supplemental drink because I couldn't finish my dinner (motherfucking program!)

The place doesn't have smoothies. So I order a FroYo--only 125 calories plus the fruit--fine. But now? NOW I want to PUKE, and there's no place to DO it because I'm in public and I'm freaking the hell OUT and there's no one to SHARE this with because no one GETS it. I'm FAT. My foodstuffs are making me FAT. WHY can't I just STARVE myself? WHY do I have to go through all this food, this bingeing and purging, this nasty, disgusting, FAT-MAKING cycle all the bloody time? GAH!I just want freedom from this--THIN freedom from this, that is. Not "fat and happy" freedom, no no no. I will NEVER be fat and happy, because you CAN'T be happy if you're fat. It doesn't WORK that way. GAH! Just...just GAH! Save me from myself! I just wish I could do this the RIGHT way. And I wish I'd never stopped for FroYo. Baaaaad idea. Bad idea...

Panic Attack!

2 things: I just ate a huuuuuuuuuge salad, and I thought I would be OK with that, but I'm NOT, and there's noplace to puke! Aaaaaaah!
And
I just met with a nutritionist. For the first time. I now have a meal plan. I thought that I would be ok with that, too...but I'm sooooooo not. I'm having a mild panic attack, and I'm not sure why. Also? 3 meals AND 3 snacks??? RIDICULOUS!! I can't DO this! Help!

Life is really stressful right now. They're bumping me up to a partial program next week, and I feel really weird about that. I do not think my eating habits merit this, for one, and for another....I'm just so not ready to get better. *sigh*

I could quit now, but then where would my life be? No. I need this. I don't want it, but I need it. (Help!)

Freaked Out, Losing Control

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into bulimia, and this scares the hell out of me. I'm NOT going to get thin that way--I can't even get everything OUT when I puke. It scares me that I'm beginning to find comfort in this process, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm a wee bit frightened by what's going on in my head. I don't want this. I want to restrict, and restrict, and restrict, until I'm thinner than I've ever been; until people start noticing that something's up; until I feel free from all the baggage in my life...but instead, I get to spend every night eating whatever's in the house and then spend the rest of it with my head in the toilet--why?? Why is this happening to me?? All I wanted to do was Not Eat in simplicity and peace...and instead I get this. This is not the path that I would have chosen, not in the least...

Also?

My hair is falling out in a major way. This is unsettling....

Skinny

I want to be skinny. Skinny is something I will never be.

I will go through this course of 'recovery,' and then I will go back to the most efficient means of becoming skinny I can find, whatever that means may be. I can't live like this, though, with the bulimia ruling my life--you don't get thin from puking...

!!!!!!!!!

139 IN JEANS!!!!! WHICH MEANS I'm REALLY ABOUT 137-138!!!!!! I BROKE THE 140 MARK!!!!!!!

*sigh*

I've decided to go into the partial hospitalization program at the treatment center I'm currently at. :(

I was purging the other night, when all of a sudden, it felt comfortable--I wanted to just keep going: that scared me. I don't mind it when not eating feels that way, but purging?? THAT scares the shit out of me.

I'm NOT 100% committed to getting better, though (whatever 'better' means...) I...don't know how this is going to go.

I'm scared. Scared of a lot of things (will I be able to get by financially for 3-6 weeks? AM I GOING TO GET FAT??? Will I lose my girlfriend if this doesn't work out? Etc etc etc--SO many fears...) It's stressing me out.

My case manager told me that she's proud of me. I can't deal with that. DON'T be proud of me for making an unavoidable decision. Besides, I might change my mind in 2 weeks' time when my jobs are done and I have the time to go and do this thing...

I'm NOT happy with this decision, and I'm more scared than I was before I got any treatment at all--what am I DOING???

Comforting thought: I can always go back, and not tell anyone this time 'round. I guess...

Hope you're all well.

I wonder...

I was stuck at 160, 163 for a good long while. Am I going to be stuck at 140, 143 for the same amount of time? What changed, so that I lost all that weight so quickly??? And more importantly, will I still be able to lose weight now that I'm STUCK on a 'recovery' track?

Important questions...

Recovery

What do you think it is? I can't figure it out.

I have a friend who says that she considers her ED to be like her asthma: it'll always be there, but it'll only act up sometimes. My treatment team said that your attitude will define that, but honestly? I think it WILL always be there, just waiting for hte right combination of circumstances to reactivate it, even if I ever figure out a way for this thing to go into 'remission' so to speak.

So I want to know what YOU think recovery is, if YOU think recovery is even a possibility. How are you supposed to recover, when you don't even know what you're aiming for, you know?

Comfort

I think...I think that I find not eating comforting. I don't know why. But I've had the most relaxing past few days possible, and I haven't been eating/at the recovery program.

It makes me want to quit, knowing that I would have this kind of peace in my life if I just stopped going, but I know that peace wouldn't be permanent. I want PERMANENT peace in my life...or at least something long term.

But Oh! It was sooooo nice not having to worry about dinners and recording what I have/haven't eating, marking 'Behaviors' down on a piece of paper to quantify for the insurance companies...It was nice to be able to not eat in peace. I miss that. I do...

Sharing the joy!

...I'm wearing size 6 pants today--that's down 6 sizes from where I was! And there's no one out there to appreciate this fact!! I just want to be excited about it! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

And all hell breaks loose...

I told my girlfriend a lot of what's been going on lately last night--no bueno. Closest thing we've had to a fight yet. She doesn't understand--literally does not understand--why I'm not better yet.

*sigh*

Rough night...rough life. What a fucking fiasco.

I am officially a fatty

970 calories before 11 am. Gross.

Fat Day

Some days? I wish it was socially appropriate to announce to facebook that you're having a fat day, just so that you could get it off your chest...

Smoking doesn't taste as good when you're eating

I gave up quitting. This is going to be an expensive decision, but fuck it all--I can't handle this shit any more!

I'm proud of myself, though!! I'm at about 800 calories today--not glorious, but better than the gobs and gobs I have been consuming! Yay!

Measures of Fat

I've gained about 5 lbs (gag me now...). How do I know? First off, the scale. Yes, the scale. I know you're all surprised there. But also, my grandmother has stopped talking about how skinny I am, and when I look at myself lately, all I can see is fat. It's frustrating...

I wish I could just be skinny, go back to my safe 600 calories a day. I can't even count them anymore, the process is so overwhelming.

I don't understand how 'normal' people stay within 2000 calories a day--I barely ate anything yesterday (one meal, and two snacks--because I'm a weak ass) and I was already over 1000, you know? It's disgusting!

I'm meeting with a nutritionist on the 30th--so scared. I hope she puts me on a weight loss meal plan, not an ED recovery one. I can't bear to gain more weight...

Puking doesn't get you skinny...

...And I can't eat anymore without wanting to puke.

Resolved

I am done with food. I will not eat, except what I need to get by. I realized this this afternoon, with my head over the toilet (again.) I can't take this any more. I'm not losing weight any more. I'm trying to please too many people. I can please myself, at least, in this regard. Done. With. Food.

I can't TAKE it any more!

I feel fat!! Help!!!!!!!

Not that you can...

I cried my heart out to my case manager at the program this evening, then I called my friend. She told me to remember that I'm strong.

Honestly? I don't know how strong I am. But I am drunk right now, slightly, which is OK. Not the best, but OK. I ate a *lot* this evening, which I am determined not to purge. Help me be strong! I can't handle this b/ping any more. It's gotta go. Ideally, I would just stop eating, but right now? It's just damage control. I can't purge (besides, I'd lose the wine!)

I'm pathetic. I know.

But you know what?? Everything's gonna be all right. I swear it. Minus the swearing part (because I can't do that!) Everything is. Life sorts itself out, and things will be OK. Take heart!

xoxo

Sorry!

I've been remiss in my 'diligent posting' duties!

I can't help it! I don't even know what to say any more. I'm so confused. I want to continue in my ways, so badly...but a part of me also wants to eat 'normally'--not 'get better', no. I'm still being my piggish self.

I need help. I can't do this any more, this arguing with myself, telling myself how bad I am all the time--it can't be healthy, right? But it feels like the right thing to DO, see?

I refuse to eat until I meet with my nutritionist and get a sense of what a normal person can eat without getting fat--because I REFUSE to gain weight

The healthy instincts are at war with my instincts...I guess you COULD call them 'unhealthy,' I mean, who knows?

All I know is that this is all very hard. Very, very hard, and I don't like it.

So I have an "eating disorder"

So what. You know what sucks? Having all the symptoms of an ED without being skinny. Sucks balls.

I hate this. All this sorting through everything. The newest theory? That I have either OCD or OCD-like inclinations.

I'm just tired. I want everything to go away.

This whole ordeal--it's like someone poked me in a tender spot. I'm reacting in a major way. I've never been this awful about treatment for other things before, you know? I'm scaring myself...

The 'Good News/Bad News' Game

Good news: my loan went through, so I'm officially (finally) graduating! ...once I pay off the $51 late fee. Yeah...

Bad news: I'm officially getting FAT. Scale hovering between 143-145instead of its old 140-143. Thighs egregiously large. Fat growing on arms. Belly growing. Disgusting. FAT. Time to break it down, cut out the junk food in my life (maybe all fats, too) and STOP. BINGEING.

Good news: I'm in lurve (I can't even say the word, I've been avoiding scaring her off so much, haha) and she's right there with me!

Bad news: I'm too exhausted to enjoy the good things in my life. And I'm fat.

Good news: I have a lot of support in my life.

Bad news: I don't know how to use it/listen to it.

Good news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind.

Bad news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind...

This game could go on and on....let me speak to the last piece. I am not well yet. I am also not as sick as I was. Part of me wants to get better. Part of me does not. This program, if I leave it now, will leave me this half-transmogrified mass of MESSY that can neither cope with the world, nor with food, but must deal in both. That's a scary prospect. I want to either be most of the way healed when I leave this motherfucking program, or completely ill--not this messy, ugly halfway place that I'm in now. I'm too vulnerable right now...

I hate food.

I HATE it. I feel SO out of control!! And it's all damnable 'recovery's' fault.

Unfortunately, this means that I need the program, though. I've come to the realization that I can't risk falling apart in my new jobs because I haven't consumed anything, so I'm trying to work a balance out with that (maybe they'll help with it? Yeah right...) I'm thinking that I can go back to my Instant Breakfast in the morning and cheese stick and diet coke for lunch, because even though I have to eat dinner and that's a lot of calories, it's no more than I'd normally eat with my evening binges, right? So now I just have to find out how to stop the evening binging. *sigh* Any recommendations would be MORE than welcome!

Also, I'm completely helpless once I've eaten too much. I get thrown into fits of huge anxiety that can only be allayed by puking, and I'm so tired of overeating and puking. I need them to help me stop that, and I need them to help me stop that *soon*!

I feel so fat. I wish I could just not eat in peace. If only my brain would let me not eat....

I don't have too much to say

I'm exhausted. And my 'team'--every single one of 'em--seems to be overly concerned for my safety, which is beginning to concern me.

I told a friend I was in treatment yesterday, and how I felt about it. Then I felt guilty.

I wish I could just simply not eat again. (Those were the days, my friends...) Life was simpler then. Much, much simpler in many ways. I'm already planning tonight's binge. *sigh*

I hate being such a failure at everything I want to be good at.

some sort of update

I think that recovery--or more properly, 'recovery'--is the worst torture ive ever inflicted upon myself, and if I were a quitter, I would have quit by now, it's so painful.

Problem: I can't eat. They require you to eat.
Problem: I can't not eat. I can't STOP once I get started--the overwhelming dinner that they force on me in the program turns into what amounts to a warm-up meal, as I go home and eat and eat and eat. And then I puke. Most of the time. It's *so scary* feeling so out of control. And they all chalk it up to "oh, it's just your body reacting to starvation"--like HELL it is! I may not be the most in tune with my body possible, but I can tell the difference between a starvation binge and the other kind of 'out of control.'

Problem: I'm stuck. Everyone was like "just try it out--if you don't like it, you can go back to what you were doing before"--WRONG. Now that I'm eating so much, I'm *deathly* afraid that if I go back to not eating, I'm going to lose it and wind up in the hospital again.

This whole thing is so beyond frustrating, from the process itself, to dealing with the insurance, to thinking about how my actions will affect others, to this, to that--every aspect of this process has some kind of pain attached to it, and I hate it. Am I even into the idea of recovering? No. Then why do I keep going back? I do not know. (Because I'm not a quitter? Because a part of me wants to recover? Because I like the attention?? Because I feel like it's my last chance?? I DO NOT KNOW!!)

So, I put up with the weighing of my fat ass, I struggle through disgusting dinners, I deal with people telling me my thinking is distorted...for another day. (But not today! It's such a *relief* to not have to go in today....)

I just wish it could all go away. I'm so tired. Tired, tired, tired, tired.

I just want to be thin, and hungry most of the time. Is that so much to ask?

Attacked by Lunch

Free food at training: be a douche and skip it? Or feed my fat ass? Guess which one I picked....

Problems

I already e-mailed someone about this, but it's driving me CRAZY!
I'd forgotten that once I start eating, I literally cannot stop. Can. Not. Stop. It's embarrassing! And fattening!

Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight from this...yet...but it's only a matter of time, you know? I've *GOT* to cut this off, and I just feel so helpless against it.

And so, I HAVE to eat this egregiously large dinner three days a week at this program, right? And THAT pisses me off, too--not just because of the portions, but because of the timing. My ritual is to go home, check the mail, and eat (and then maybe--MAYBE--puke.) This means that with this forced meal, I am now eating TWICE in one evening, and I do not have the power to fight it. I'm weak.

And on TOP of that, my daytime restriction has gone out the window. Literally. Gone. Buh bye! So I'm over eating. All. Day. Long. I need HELP to stop this viscious, ugly cycle of fatness. Please?? Help me??

And THEN, someone eked the secret that I'm in an ED program out of me. I am royally pissed off and annoyed about that. Now, said person thinks that I'm taking care of myself, when CLEARLY I'm not, and may never actually do so beyond surface concerns. It makes me want to cry, the whole situation. :(

I just need input. Advice. Guidance and help. I want to get back on the path to Thin. Not this overindulgant, puke-filled path that I'm on now. I want to starve myself again, and I want to be good at it, for once...

C is for Cookie...

I made cookies. Now I can't stop eating them. Fat.

Oh

And I'm done with my undergraduate education. Yay.

I want to cry a little bit

Too much food forced on me, PMS, and a series of overwhelming events has rendered me a shivering glob of former humanity.

I hate how much food I've been eating! I HATE it! I want to be thin, to wither away...fade away.

Thought: when asked about my relationship with my body, I realized it's nonexistant. Undefineable. The closest thing I could come up with was that of a master and a "good slave", the kind you never notice until you decide to punish him/her. My body is so below my attention, I use it merely to convey me from point A to point B. ...but your body has to be so much more than that to you--your body IS you,and you are your body.

But when it comes down to it, I don't hate my body. At least, not in a special way. I hate myself, and that's why I do these terrible things to myself (sick, right?) I hate my body as an extension of that self-hatred.

And I am fat, fatter, fattest. And I...don't feel well with the world. All is not well.

Dilemmas, Dilemmas, Dilemmas...

I want to eat like I normally do--my breakfast drink in the morning, my cheese stick at lunch...but I can't because these people are forcing me to eat so much at dinner time. *sigh* So I'm going to just starve all day. I guess until they catch on...

Day One

I'm not going to die there--I might get FAT, they make you eat so much, but I'm not going to die. Everyone's really nice.
They are The Enemy.

I'm so torn between wanting to be healthy, wanting to continue to lose weight, and wanting to keep my self-destructive habits. I have 8% Healthy Voice in my head, and 92% Unhealthy Voice going on. I do not know how this battle is going to turn out...

Nerves

I'm going into the OP program this evening--SO NERVOUS. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? I don't need this! I'm not bad enough! I'm hardly even at the brink of qualifying for help. Plus? I am a fat ass. I won't fit in.

Things I Already Find Humiliating:
*Supervised dinners with food requirements
*The fact that they weigh my fat ass--I am not even CLOSE to underweight: there is NO NEED for that!
*The fact that once they weigh my fat ass, they won't even let me know the fat numbers.

I'm already angry, and the program hasn't even started. And I'm nervous. And I can't talk about it with any one because the only people who know are my aunt in another state, my fake mother in another state, and my therapist. GAH!

I should be more excited...

I stepped on the scale nekkid this evening just for the hell of it, even though I pigged out this evening because I have no self control and am a fat pig...and it was just a little above 140! This is EXCELLENT news!! 5 lbs closer to my 130 goal! ...but I just can't get excited. Because I'm a fat pig.

Also, I can't get out of my head the "blind weighing" they did at the ED center today--how embarrassing is that??? THEY get to see how much your fat self weighs, and YOU have to just stand there and look at the wall...I wonder what my real weight is (I've been using my grandmother's scale, which is pretty old.) I'll bet it's something awful like 147 or higher, especially with all my clothes on. URGH. I DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS. I can quit any time. I can quit any time. I can quit any time....

I wish I wasn't so fat. I will tell you one thing now--no matter what, I will NOT lose sight of the weight loss goal. I WILL continue to lose weight...

uh oh....

This is going to be intense. AND they don't want me talking about my ed/ed behaviours with anyone outside of the program. Fortunately, this is not talking.

Ohhhhh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy....

oops

I really did just eat like a pig. More shame.
AND
I can't puke because I went to church today and had Communion and you're not supposed to throw up after that for the rest of the day (don't ask me why, I couldn't explain it. I'm sorry...) *SIGH*

Unworthy

I feel unworthy to post here now on several levels: one being that I've been eating like a pig (thanks to my family and their going out to eat these past two days...and you can't be ungrateful and say "no thanks" and you can't NOT eat and this and that--always some excuse...) and two I've decided to go into that dumb clinic.

This is not my first choice. I would rather just starve slowly for a while longer. But when you make someone cry, it really gets to you, especially if that someone is a person for whom you care deeply. I don't want to be the cause of her hurt. So I have to do something.

Yes, I realize I can go and try it out, and if it sucks, just go back to my ways, but the thing is, then I'll still be hurting my girlfriend, and I can't HAVE that. I feel so trapped. Caught. In between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I just didn't exist. Don't get me wrong--I'm not even close to suicidal right now. Just...it would be easier. Then, I wouldn't have all these dumb things to sort through, from my mental health to everything else in the world.

Now pardon me--I have to go eat like a pig...(NOT. What is WRONG with me??? I JUST WANT TO STARVE A LITTLE BIT.)

Hoo boy...

My eating habits made my girlfriend cry.

I have an intake appointment on Monday at the ED clinic.

Hooooooooo boy...

Guess what today is???

Well, yes. It IS Cinco de Mayo, but more importantly it's the last day of classes of my seven year undergraduate career!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!! in case you can't tell.) Ergo, it is a holiday in my head.

This morning, I put my capris on (still too cold for that, but whatevs. Hope springs eternal)--they're four inches too big! And my belt? Also too big! I had to put another notch in it! (and I didn't put it in the right place, so it's still slightly too big, but it's an improvement on what was there, haha) So I guess things aren't going too badly.

I'm still trying my new diet plan. Yes, I know it's bad for you. I am worried about energy and concentration levels. By the time I got out of the hospital last time I did this, I barely had the energy to pick up my bags and walk to the bus station. I HAVE to get through finals. And if that means eating some, I'll do it. And then I'll get RIGHT BACK ON the wagon. I WILL make it through finals. I WILL lose more weight. I WILL do this because I deserve it. And so it goes.

I hope you ladies are enjoying this lovely day (well...not so lovely here: it's 50* and grey, BUT it is a lovely day in my head. Therefore you should all enjoy it! :)

2%

I had 2% milk today after months of skim only--it was like putting *cream* in my cereal! Gross! I can't believe that's all I would drink for years!

What is WRONG with me? I'm on an eating spree...again. I think I need to hearken back to my days in the hospital, where I wouldn't eat all day but for the food that people brought me during visitor hours. THAT'S when I had strength. THAT'S when I lost the most weight. I need to go back to that. I'm being weak, having "breakfast" and lunch and dinner, no matter how tiny they are. I need to fast all day, have a small amount of food in the evening, and not eat anything else after that. I'm too comfortable right now. I'm also too fat. One needs to shake up one's world from time to time: change things up, get out of one's comfort zone. This is my verdict: starting tomorrow, it's back to starvation during the day. The only problem is what to eat at night. It was nice in the hospital, because I was limited to what people brought in. In the real world, I get to make my own decisions. This is problematic...one "meal" only. 600 cal or less. This is all I will eat.

Guilt?

Sorry for three in one day. I guess I'm in a posting kind of mood (I get really verbose sometimes, eh?)

So, do any of you ever feel guilty about what you're doing? I don't mean the normal guilt of "There are starving people out there and I'm puking/starving myself on purpose"--that's an established guilt. I mean guilty that you're doing this to yourself when you know the results are not pretty--heart palpitations, medical complications, etc. Guilty that you're digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole that's progressively harder to escape, you know?

On one of the other blogs that I read, this "Anonymous" keeps posting about the dangers of what we're doing, as if it's something that's stoppable. I'm sorry, but the way I eat/do not eat is not something that I can stop at this point...but I feel like it should be. I just...don't know. She's making me feel really guilty, and like I'm playing at something. Maybe I am, but it certainly doesn't feel that way.

Pictures of you, pictures of me

I want to post pictures to show the progress I've made, but a) I'm too embarrassed because I'm still SO FAT and b) I don't have any comparison shots because when I started, I took some fat pictures, but deleted them because they were so embarrassing. I guess I'll take some now so that when I get thin, I can compare to now?

Also, I feel like my blog is boring because I never post any interesting links or pictures. But I don't have any interesting links or pictures! Just my words! (And whiny words they are, at that!) So THANK YOU for still reading. It makes me happy to know you're out there, and your comments make my day (even if I don't respond right away--when I'm on my phone instead of my computer, I can't post comments for some reason...?)

Fat

I feel fatter now than I did at 162...(Ugh!)

Hunger

No, Tummy--you do NOT get more!

This, I realized, is what I have to tell my stomach to curb the Massive Eating Spree of 2011. I guess I've just gotten used to eating to make myself full. Just gotta wait that hunger out, and then it'll go away like a good little girl.

waiting, waiting, waiting--my life is spent in waiting

Waiting for the *bus*, waiting for the *train* waiting for class to start...etc. I spend a LOT of time waiting. Right now, I'm waiting for the bus to school. Good times...

So, yesterday was the Walk for Hunger--we started at 8:50, and didn't finish until 4:30. Pathetic. Mind you, this was with breaks. Walking 20 miles was challenging, especially because I have a bad hip--about 2 miles in I was ready to call it quits. Yeah. Pathetic. I ate soooooo much yesterday, too, but you know what? It kept me going. (Only things I don't have an excuse for are the foods I ate *after* the walk...) I decided about 8, 9 miles in that calories were the answer to my flagging self. And you know what? They were. Sadly. I picked right up after eating a scone. So sad.

But today, I am determined to once more be good. Breakfast = 150 cal, lunch = 70 cal, snack = 100 cal, and dinner remains to be seen. (I need a plan!!! I cannot function without one!!! Maybe I will have nonfat cottage cheese and fruit?)

I'm finding it really difficult not to eat at night, and I've been really thirsty for caloried drinks. I'm gonna get fatter!!!! When I need to get thinner!!! Wah!

I've been hovering between 142 and 145 lately. I'd like to bring it down into the 130s range, and if cutting my calories back doesn't do it, I guess I'll have to start exercising, too (though I'm afraid of that--asthma, bad hip, and GINORMOUS post-workout appetite. Yeah...) We'll see. Maybe next week I can have the energy to do that.

Oh! I totally forgot! Crisis resolved! The MD essentially told me missing one dose wouldn't kill me, and it didn't! I was just so worried--lithium is NOT shit to mess around with, and I'd never missed a dose before. Also? I was SO angry about flushing that money down the toilet (shit's expensive, you know?) So yeah. That's that.

Hope all's well with you ladies!

Writing Papers is Hard Work!

I'm eating more than I'm writing! I bought grapes to snack on, but alas--I went shopping while hungry, and thus also bought Pirate Booty and mini cheeses (of which I only had ONE, for LUNCH), and black and white cookies. Uuuurgh. And I was SUPPOSED to have a friend here to share it with, but she wussed out of our study session.

I can justify this snacking, though, because I'm walking 20 miles tomorrow (I'M SO SCARED, hahaha. TWENTY MILES?!? Yeah. At least it's just walking.)

I think my monstrous eating is mostly quelled at this point. I've been decently good this week--not 600 cal/day good, but less than 1000/day good for the most part (except maybe today. Yeah...)

This may be TMI, but I have to pee SO BADLY, but I am at Starbucks and I don't want to get up because then I'll lose my seat and never get it back again. Plus? I have a lot of shit that I would need to pack up, haha. I always feel like a bag lady, because I walk around with two or three bags all the time. Pathetic.

For those interested, by the way, crisis averted: the MD said that missing one dose wouldn't kill me. I was just so scared because a) lithium is not shit that you mess with b) I've never missed a dose before and c) I was pissed off because that was MONEY I was flushing down the toilet (LITERALLY!) Oh well. Not doing THAT again.

Aaaaaaaand I should get back to writing my paper. It is NOT going to be a good one. But it will be a DONE one, and that will get me a grade, and a grade will get me a DIPLOMA! And an iPod (I'M GETTING ONE AS A GRADUATION PRESENT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!)

So. Back to work. Thanks, lovies, for reading!

I'm full of stupid tonight!

omg omg omg omg!
I just puked up my lithium!!!! What the hell do I do now????
I chatted with the Walgreens 24 hour pharmacist, she said to call my doctor. My doctor is on vacation. I called her stand in and left a message, but she won't get back to me until the AM. Am I going to miss a dose???? (Probably, yes) That's never happened before!! AM I GOING TO GO CRAZY??? hahaha. Oy vey.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid. That's what I am. I shouldn't have eaten all that food in the first place, or taken my meds so late. What am I supposed to do?? Does this constitute an emergency for the psychiatrist on call? I don't wanna, because then I'll have to explain that I was puking, and he/she will probably just tell me to skip the dose anyway because they don't know how much my body absorbed in the TEN MINUTES it was in there. Oy vey....Man oh man oh man. STUPID!

Snacks for Studying!

I HAVE A PROBLEM AND IT IS THIS: WHEN I STUDY, I GET BORED. WHEN I GET BORED, I SNACK. When I *don't* have snacks available, as I do not right now, I do not get shit done. Problemo right there, kiddos. BIIIIIG problemo. I cannot base my academic success on something so dumb as snacking.

Also, I'm really bored. I think someone should leave a random comment so that I have something to distract me from the damned paper that I'm supposed to be writing (damnation!) Do you realize that this right here that I just typed is more in the realm of "typed" than has been done for my paper in the past three hours? Yeah. Problem.

SAVE ME FROM THE FOOD AND FROM THE STUDYING! WAH!

Verdict:

I am NOT allowed to be in the kitchen alone: this is when things go awry.

So this morning, I went to put my capris on (ever hopeful of Spring...) and they were about three inches too big, too!!! I think I'm pretty securely a size 6 now!!!!! (Too bad I think it's not gonna last...) I was so excited when I got into the single-digit sizes last year, but this? This is even more exciting! Now if only I could stop eating like a fatass...

Has anyone ever tried green smoothies, btw? I'm thinking of trying it, but I don't want to waste the calories on something that's just going to leave me craving more in an hour.

So, finals are revving up to full swing. Life is hectic. I've been trying to balance family, the gf, school, volunteering, and work all at once. I think once finals are over, life will be more...peaceful. I'd forgotten what it was like, having been out of school for two years. Maybe the stress is why I've been eating like crazy? That and the "not smoking" thing (which is actually going really well!) I just feel so...overwhelmed! I don't know what to do!

All right. That's all for now. Hope you're all well!

More Excitement!

I put on a pair of pants that I bought back in November or thereabouts this morning...and they were three inches too big!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Today, the name of the game is "getting back on track." It's all about getting back on track, so that I can lose more weight (even though my grandmother doesn't think I need to, haha) and be thin, thinner, thinnest. (But I refuse to get grotesquely thin. Then my friends won't hang out with me anymore ;) I just want all the extra flab to disappear. I want to look thin and fit. Next week, I'm going to try to start exercising (well, maybe once finals are over...that might be a better idea.) Problem is, I have issues with getting up in the morning to exercise. I severely need a running buddy, but even my craigslist post only yielded one person who lived too far away to make it work. (I decided that I want to run a half marathon next year, and maybe a full one the year after...I hate running. I am sick!) Oh well. Maybe someone will magically appear out of the blue...

It's a *beautiful* day today, btw. I brought my jacket because it looked cold outside, but shortly grew to regret that decision. Now I have to lug this extra thing around. Oh well.

Enjoy today, my lovelies!

Success! Annnnnnddddd figuring out how to create more success...

Well, the good news is that the piggishness seems to be trailing off--only MARGINAL overeating today, hopefully followed by proper starvation tomorrow.

While I was at my relatives' for Easter, my aunt gave me a dress to try on--I looked at the size and was uber skeptical of it because it was a 6, and I barely just got down to an 8, right? Well, I try it on and.....(drum roll, please!)...IT FIT! I CAN FIT INTO A 6!!!! I know, I know--most of you are probably praying that you DIE the day you're large enough to fit into a 6, but for me??? This is HUGE progress! HUGE! I'm so excited!

But that and my grandmother's comments about how skinny I'm getting are NOT making up for the fact that I've gained a gajillion pounds over the past week. Time to crack down and get back to business. Back to business indeed...

Ultimate Fatty

Almost my worst fears were realized over Easter--I say "almost" because only time will tell if I've completely lost all ability to restrict...

I ate way, way, WAY too much food, and drank too many calories, and want to keep going, even though I feel like a fatty, stuffed sausage, full individual who's probably gained TEN POUNDS--wahhhhh!

I'm SO freaked out! Someone help me to get back on track! Where has my motivation gone??

It seems to me that I have two options for getting back on track. I can choose an arbitrary calorie limit for the day/week, and go for that, or I could choose an arbitrary calorie limit and go for a liquid diet for a few days (problem: not very satisfactory...but then...that's the idea, right??)

I dunno. I need advice!

From One City to Another

I went from one city to another for Easter. Let me tell you, it is nice to escape (even if the weather here is crappier than at home.)

Ever since I went to the hospital the second time, my family's been edgy, worried, and suspicious--I feel like I can't live my life, you know? So it's nice to get away from the worried family to spend time with the less-worried family.

The family at home is starting to catch on to my wayward eating habits, too. I try to avoid being home at meal times as much as possible, but even then, they notice that you're getting skinnier (and never with joy! Always the tone of concern!! What's up with that??? I mean, come ON! I was practically OBESE before, and now I'm within a healthy range. Chill out, dudes!)

Which makes me wonder if I should buy new clothes that fit--is it worth it? I mean, am I going to just gain all the weight I just lost back?? (I hope I never, ever, ever, EVER weigh as much as I did again!) But the fact is, most my my clothes just don't fit right any more...time to replace them? Who knows.

OK, and now I really SHOULD go do some homework and stop obsessing over food and weight. Happy holidays to all!

OK

Things will get back on track after Easter. For one thing, I'm going to start MAKING time to exercise. For another, I WILL get back on track with my eating habits. This grazing thing just isn't cutting it--it starts as a need that you can't quite place your finger on, and next thing you know, you've sampled everything in the kitchen and that need still isn't satisfied. It's a pain in the ass, AND it's going to make me fat, fat, fat.

So that's the plan--exercise and diet, starting post Easter.

Easter

I'm really worried about Easter weekend, and the few days thereafter. See, Easter is a "food holiday" for us--we're Orthodox Christians, which means that we basically spend Lent not eating: meat, dairy, eggs, and fish (or wine or alcohol in general.) Now, *I* didn't adhere to that, but my family did, and there is going to be so. Much. Food. I don't even know what to do. And it's not just going to be food, no--it's going to be *delicious* food, like tsoureki, and sirnaya pascha, and everything delicious you can think of.

Now, normally I would just be plain old worried, but with my massive EATING streak of late, I'm extra SUPER worried. And I won't even be able to puke because I'll be at someone else's house. :/

I don't know what to DO! (And people wonder why I'm so obsessed with food--it's all my religion's fault, haha...)

I'm going to gain so much weight, unless I figure out a way to keep the eating problem in check. Help?

In other news, my grandmother said that I'm getting awfully skinny today (I'm not--I'm ballooning up! Rapidly!) and she asked if I was eating meals, like wth protein and vegetables. I think she was concerned...

FEED BIG BERTHA!

I. Want. Food.

(more than that, I want caloried drinks. ::SIGH::)

I have eaten so many calories today, it makes me want to cry. And worse? I want to eat more. I have zero control right now, and that scares the hell out of me. What a fatty...

(Any advice? PLEASE?!?)

It won't stop

I've been...eating. Like mad. And it won't stop.

I'm going to gain, I'm going to gain, I'm going to gain, I'm going to GAIN!

This is not good. How do I stop this nasty cycle? I guess I just have to relearn how to say "no" to myself...and not stock up on tasty foods. Or any food at all, really...

getting out of my fat ass weekend ways...

I eat like a PIG on weekends. In Group, they had us do weekend planning to get some structure into our free days--I think I need it for food.

Now, I'm trying to get out of the habit of eating like a madwoman, and it's REALLY HARD! I don't even eat because I'm hungry--I just eat for the hell of it. GAH!

So, I'm struggling today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I really want to eat my 'lunch' right now, but I WILL hold out til 2:00, dammit!

Eating scares me. The thin veneer of control that I have sometimes is dashed away as soon as there's food in my presence. It's scary! I wound up purging this weekend, for the first time in forever.

But you know what? The self-hatred that usually drives that sort of behavior is at bay (I wonder if that's why I've been eating, too...?) It's odd. I'm oddly at peace. I can't work up the energy to call myself a fat pig (even as I FEEL fatter and fatter.) I don't wanna cut, I don't wanna purge, I don't necessarily seek out that empty hunger feeling. I'm just...being. Mind you, I'm binging, which is self-destructive in itself, so...yeah.

But. Those are my thoughts.

Also, I've decided to run a half marathon or a full one next year. :)

Help! Seeking Answers!

AM I KILLING MY METABOLISM???? WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I AM???

My therapist is launching a terror campaign--tell all the horrors of what will happen, and maybe she'll recant her ways.

Well, it's not happening. I'm right where I want to be right now. Kind of.

And you know what else? I don't know why I'm doing this anymore--all the self-destructiveness has turned off. Why am I still going??

Rainy Day...

Rainy days make me want to do nothing. OK, maybe they make me want to cuddle up and write bad poetry. There is that.

I finally finished my month-overdue essay...and I feel all empty and purposeless now. Dunno what to do with myself (so obviously, I post!)

I'm having mixed feelings. It's almost the time where my insurance will go through to get me into the ED program. Thing is? I don't want to lose the ED. I...like it. I also hate it, but the pros outweigh the cons right now.

I don't know what to doooooooooooo......so confused! I want to lose my other bad habits, but this one? This one's comfy. And adaptable to all situations--if I eat too much with friends, I make up for it later, y'know? AND I don't want to get fatter! I'm finally starting to see some definition. Bones are beginning to eke their way out. I have a GOAL I need to reach!

But I put all this work into getting into this dumb program.

*SIGH* I just don't know...

Oh, what a day...

So, I applied for a loan last night for school, and got an email this morning saying that my application was incomplete--well, thinking this could only take 15 minutes TOPS because I'd done everything last night, I tried to log in to see. WELL, 45 minutes later (my computer was being slow as MOLASSESS!) I find out I really HAD done everything...and I'd missed my bus.

Then I got a call from my insurance company--apparently the paperwork for my switching finally sort of went through (just in time for me to not want the help so much anymore) and you know how calls with insurance companies are. Yeah.

So I get to work 30 minutes late...yeah...and realize I'd forgotten my nicotine patch. ARGH! So I'm dying all morning.

The rest of my day is packed, too. After work, I've gotta track down prescriptions the hard way, and then I've gotta get more nicotine patches (EXPENSIVE--DON'T start smoking if you haven't already!) Then I'm volunteering for an Equality organization. This leaves no time to do the homework I so desperately need to do.

On top of it all, the shakes are back. I'm REALLY shaky, and I can't control it. I can't decide if it's the new meds or the not eating--either way, it's pretty disconcerting. (But do I eat to fix it? Nope! Sure don't...)

So. Goooooood day...

The "F"s and Getting Back on Track

The "F"s--fatty and failure. And I don't just mean failure in terms of diet--my homework this week is positively *slaying* me! Allophones and phonemes and complementary pairs: I thought I understood it until I started this homework...blargh! But enough of that whining.

I am a fatty. I spent the ENTIRE weekend eating egregious amounts of food, and I gained the weight to prove it. BUT I'm hoping that I'll stay on track today, and get things back in order...and eventually make it so 145 isn't just water weight lost, but TRUE weight lost.

Hope things are going well with you, chickees!

Fat. Ass.

Oh. Em. Gee. I have been eating. Like a PIG these past three days! And I can't get away from it!!! I swear, I've gained 5 solid pounds back!!! :(

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better...(What if it's not???)

And to make it worse/extend the horror? My grandmother got me CHEETOS for my birthdayb!! I cannot resist Cheetos!!! Waaaaaaaaaaah, fat pig!!!!!!!!

Help me!! How am I going to get back on track???

Today, I am OLD

Still less than 30, and yet...so old.

I think I have to give up on the calorie counting today--my gf is making pancakes (and I bought the darling flowers!), and I'm going out for dinner with a bunch of friends (=no hiding my eating today...)

I can't believe how OLD I am!! And how immature I still am...I can't believe I broke in this year while still restricting. You'd think I could give it up, but no...

In other news, with clothes off this morning, I was 143--I'm in the "normal" range for my height finally! (I have to wonder how much of it's water weight, though...)

Also, all the suggestions I got for what to "eat" from the Ana/Mia Chronicles proved really useful. I'm loving it! I feel like I'm eating like a king, but it's still so few calories!

Anyway, short post. Back to having my birthday ;)

145!!!!!!!!

I REACHED IT! *WITH* my clothes on last night (but my binge fest of last night destroyed that for this morning...but STILL!!! I'm 145!!!)

15-17 lbs ago, I NEVER thought this possible!!

Next stop?? 130...

Guilt

Do you ever feel guilty about your eating habits?

I know I feel guilty all the time. When I purge, I think of the food I just wasted, and all the people out there who don't have any. When I eat around friends, I feel guilty because I feel like they're not eating as much as they want to because of how little *I* took. And when I restrict, again I feel guilty because I *have* food when a lot of other people out there don't.

*sigh* There's a lot of guilt, and I still haven't changed...and I feel like it's in my power TO change. I just...I can't. And I also feel like if I start eating again without purging, I'm just going to get fatter because I never learned portion control. What a waste...

Am I supposed to be doing homework?

I AM supposed to be doing homework! I even checked out books and everything! At least it's interesting homework, you know? I'm writing a paper on one of the songs from the New York Dolls' first album, so I can't complain too much (but posting is just so much more INTERESTING than what I'm supposed to be doing, you know??)

This "quitting smoking" thing? Not doing it for me. I have cut back significantly (like, only 1-2/day or so--I know, I know, you're not supposed to smoke while you're on the patch. Well you know what? SUCK IT, medical profession! The patch does SHIT for me!) I'm REALLY afraid I'm going to gain weight from it (apparently, cigarettes make you burn calories slightly faster--who knew??) but poverty is poverty, and I can't keep up with the price. I know that as soon as I have the money to kill, I'll be right back to smoking, but hopefully much, much less.

So, I finally have some leeway to resupply, and I'm going shopping this afternoon. So far on the list? Same old, same old. Carnation Breakfast Essentials, skim milk, diet coke, gatorade, and maybe non-fat yogurt.

Now, I hate food. Food is, after all, the enemy. But I'm so bored of the same old shit. I want to mix it up somehow, but I can't!! I know these foods are safe, and I know how to handle them, and I don't know about other foods! ...How dull.

Today is turning out well, despite the dearth of diet coke and gatorade. I'm a little shaky, but then I'm ALWAYS a little shaky.

I will stay strong this evening, and make it a full on GOOD DAY! (I hope you have one, too!)

sorry

Sorry I've been mia--I don't like to post when I'm being bad. My friend came over this weekend, and I couldn't get out of eating, and one I start...well...you know how it is. But today's a new week, and I have a good feeling about today (even without my diet coke :( )

So, people have been telling me that this is not the way to lose weight, that I'm doing bad things to my metabolism...but then...how do the anorexics do it, eh? I want to be thin. If I were thin, I'd be happier with myself. No longer fat. I could live down all the teasing. Etc. I'm not really sure why I'm doing this. I think a large part of it is that I like the challenge. (Another part of it is that I ate two "meals" yesterday? I feel sooooooOoo FAT today, wah! Gotta get back to good ole starvation--at least that's reliable!)

More later (probably when I'm supposed to be doing homework, haha)

I can't sleep.

It's 3:30 am, and I couldn't sleep. First off (and this is tmi) I think I have a yeast infection, so I went and researched that (jury's still out.) THEN, I went down to the kitchen. There's my first problem. There I proceeded to eat: a bite of soup, 2 strawberries, some blackberries, some broccoli, and two bowls of FiberOne. (How miserable!) Thank the Lord there is pretty much only healthy stuff in the house right now...

Now, I'm debating if I purge. *sigh* I wish I juts wouldn't eat--then I'd never have to deal with this again...

How stupid am I?

So, some background: I'm taking my last two classes to graduate, three years after I was supposed to graduate. This is my last shot at it, basically. If I fail, I'll have to go to some other school or something to finish it up. No bueno.

I was talking to my therapist today, and she said, "What are your priorities for the next seven weeks?"

I dunno.

"Let me take a guess. On the one hand, we have food. On the other, we have classes and graduation"

::nod:: (sure, why not?)

Then she proceeded to explain that I'm basically sabotaging myself with this food thing, and it would be good to think about the reason why--probably because I'm scared of graduation.

Well, I AM sabotaging myself, I guess, but I swear to God it's not because I'm afraid of graduating. I've had THREE YEARS to think this over. I'm actually really annoyed with myself for messing things up so badly, but I can't...I just...I can't fix it right now!

She wants me to eat 1500 calories a day for the next 7 weeks. I can't do that. I guess my priorities really ARE screwed up. WTF?

(I need help.)

I am convinced...

that God is humbling me, making me work so hard to get into an ED program. All I have to say is that if I get in, I'd damn well BETTER get something out of it!

all my tools are disappearing!!

So, I don't have a job that pays enough right now, and it's causing me considerable distress in many areas of my life. It's latest manifestation? I'm running out of supplies for avoiding food, and I can't replace them!!! No more diet cokes, running low on low-cal gatorade (which my doctor insisted upon to keep my electrolytes up with the lithium), and I'm almost out of cigarettes (which are *wildly* expensive in this state! I *am* quitting--I hope--but my free supply of the patch hasn't come yet. Homie needs her nicotine!!!)

This all adds up to "no bueno!" I don't know what I'm going to dooooooooo... *sigh*

Also, am I a complete weirdo? I basically don't eat all day, and have most of my calories at night time (I don't like going to bed with gnawing hunger in my belly. Also? It's really hard to avoid evening food around family, so it's best to save up the calories for it) Does anyone else do this??

I'm on my "lunch" break at work right now. I SO wish that I had a diet coke...and another cigarette or two. *sigh*

Fears and Ramblings

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. Not enough, but a lot. And some of it's been about getting better. I realized that it's a nice idea...but the process involves EATING. Now, if I were still in my crazy purging place, that wouldn't bother me so much, but since I've started restricting seriously, it DOES bother me. They are going to want me to eat three meals a day, and those meals are going to have to be more than 200 calories each.

I...I don't know how they're going to get me to DO that, because you can't just take a person who's been doing her own thing and all of a sudden make her change that. No! You've got to ease into it.

Besides, part of the reason I don't eat "normally" is that I never learned how to eat normally. I mean, seriously, c'mon! Growing up? A vegetable was defined as a can of green beans split between six people.

They're going to have to teach me before I even consider eating again.

I'm also really, REALLY afraid that I'm going to gain all the weight I just lost back and balloon up again. Now really, there's NO need for me to gain weight. In fact, I'm finally *approaching* the "healthy" weight range for my height (never mind that probably the reason I'm so heavy is mostly because of my bones--THAT'S making excuses. I am a fat ass and there's no getting around it. I want to be TINY. That's why the current goal is to lose as much weight as possible during these three weeks...)

I just...I don't know how I feel about all of this. Honestly, I don't think that I should need help. This is just about the stupidest thing I've ever done to myself--I should be able to just pick up where I left off, just start eating again, and all my problems would be solved (except they won't be. I have a lot of hidden shit that I have to deal with.) I shouldn't need help to do that--if I could just put my head on right, then I could suck it up and deal on my own...but I can't. I can't just eat. I can't bring myself to do it, and when my body takes over and makes me eat, I feel like a fat, disgusting, gross pig and then I feel like I need to either purge or cut.

In other news, and in a lemony twist of irony, I signed up to do the Walk for Hunger--it's a 20 mile walk. THAT should be interesting (seeing as I've never done more than maybe 5 miles before in my life...) But it's a good cause, and my girlfriend's doing it, so.. ;)

I should stop rambling now. I have other fears, but they haven't been voiced yet. I'll ramble some more when I figure them out. In the MEANwhile, I've got to go take a midterm I haven't studied for. PEACE, HOMIES!

Out of diet coke!!

Ruh roh! I'm alllllll out of diet coke, and I have 0 cashdollaz in the bank to buy more! WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOOOOOOOO???????

I BEAT THE 150 MARK!!!!!!

149, Baby!! Only 4 lbs away from my first goal setting, 19 away from the second!

(I shouldn't be so excited, I'm still a fat pig, but...I was 160 or higher for SO LONG, and now? Now this!!!!)

I HATE my period

I swear, I've eaten more chocolate in the past three days than I have in an entire MONTH!!! (Which is still not a lot, but it's NOT doing good things for my morale...) I feel like SUCH a fatty!

I wish my dumb period WOULD just go away and leave me alone (well, except for the implications for childbearing some day--I *would* like to have a kid or three eventually...)

So, I took an adderall at 7 to study (failed experiment, that...) andit's still in my system and now it's bedtime and I am positively WIRED!! Well, wide awake, anyway. Not sure what to do about that...

My friend today kept telling me that I'm tiny (!!)--how exciting is that?? Now if only it were true, I'd be a happy camper. When my BMI is in a healthy or low range, THEN I'll believe them (even if my clinician at the OP program told me "BMI is--pardon my language--bullshit.")

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

I don't think I can keep doing this. It's REALLY bad for me. It fucks up my moods, and it shoots my concentration, and it's really just a miserable existence. I hope this insurance issue takes less time to settle than I'm thinking it will.

The really stupid thing? This is COMPLETELY in my hands. If I wanted to, I could totally just start eating again, and everything would be all right. Except that I can't. I can't bring myself to do that.

I hate to post in the morning...

...Because everything can go wrong later in the day, but so far TODAY? Things have been ok. I'm sticking to the Plan.

The only thing I'm worried about is that classes start again today, which means I'll be on campus this evening, which means my friend might wanna catch dinner, which means one of two things: 1) she'll either notice how little I'm eating or 2) I'll completely pig out in the face of MASSIVE QUANTITIES OF FOOD available. *sigh* I wish I could control myself better in the face of the enemy...

out of control some?

I've been GRAZING since 3:30 this afternoon!!! That's almost FIVE HOURS!

And I CAN'T puke, because the toilet upstairs, out of the way from everyone, is OUT of comission....

Hoooo boy. Well, tomorrow we'll stick to a plan, because the weekend will be over, and there will be More Structure...

Non-Productivity and the Valley of Temptation

I'm NOT getting anything done, and I've been "at it" since about 9 this morning (it's just past 2:30 now...) I just can't CONCENTRATE! I almost don't care, except that this is my last chance at school, and I can't blow it. ::sigh::

I have a food plan for the day:
B: Instant B-fast (150 cal)
2 small cookies (100 cal)
L: skim milk (90 cal)
diet coke? (o cal)
D: soup with the girl (that CAN'T be more than 300 calories, right???)

This all comes to 640 cal. I have 20 cal worth of Gatorade left that I might have to drink, too, but overall? Not too shabby.

I just hope that tonight, I don't wake up because I'm hungry again....

Oh, but this afternoon? I swear I walked through the Valley of Temptation. I went downtown to try to get some homework done, and I SWEAR there's every type of cheap food place you can imagine (and I'm HUNGRY. I would never admit it to anyone who asked me if I WANTED food, but I'm so hungry right now...) and the temptation--oh! The temptation! But I stuck to my food plan and wandered right through. Got my milk at Starbucks (they didn't even charge me because they didn't have the short size in cold cups and I guess he felt guilty charging me for half a tall?) and went right on! ...Now I just have to do that AGAIN on my way back. ::SIGH:: Wish me luck!

Worries

So, I'm really worried that I'm not going to have the energy to be a good girlfriend over the course of the next three weeks.

As much as I pretend to ignore it, I know that not eating is really, really bad for me. It fucks up my moods, first and foremost, and it leaves me in this sort of fuzzy state, where I'm not really functioning.

Like...last night for instance. My girlfriend was REALLY in the mood...but I was not. And I think it's because I didn't eat enough during the day.

But I'm REALLY determined to stay the course, and be really, really sick for these three weeks of waiting to see if I can change insurances/get into the ED program. I want to make the most of it.

I do not understand my ED. It sort of started as a way to hurt myself, because I'm into that. Then, when I was in the hospital, it turned into a control issue, and then it turned into a genuine desire to lose weight. But I think the other two things (hurting myself and control) are still there.

My therapist thinks I'm lumping my anxiety with my eating habits, that I'm doing this so that I don't have to think about anything else. And you know what? I don't know if she's right or not.

If I got ONE thing out of the OP program I was in, it's that I do not for the life of me understand my emotions. I can't talk about them! And I think that's key to "getting better" (which as of today? I don't want to do. I only want to get better for my girlfriend's sake, because I don't want to hurt her...)

So....I'm just really worried that I'm going to be a miserable GF until I get the help that I need, and who KNOWS when that'll be... :(

Miracle Drink

So, someone from the ana/mia chronicles suggested a whey drink for post-running to avoid the food craze, so I bought some yesterday (ED shopping list: Carnation Instant Breakfast-150 calories w/ skim milk, whey protein drink--220 calories w/ skim milk, low-cal gatorade to keep the electrolytes up-45 cal/bottle, gum->5 cal/piece, skim milk-90 cal/serving...)

It was like a slow-setting-in MIRACLE. I drank 1 scoop with about 6 oz of skim milk when I got hungry (and let me tell you, it was DISGUSTING, but I slogged it down), and then I *started* to binge--browsing the kitchen for foods (starting with the smart ones--vegetables, because vegetables "don't count")...and in the middle of it? I couldn't eat any more. I kept my calories to less than 700 yesterday (or at LEAST less than 800--I lost a little track somewhere in there.) I think that's a GREAT start to my three week diet. Now, I just have to keep it up.

Now, I have to make some decisions. I haven't been counting the calories in my morning/afternoon coffee. Now, since I'm pretty much poverty stricken right now and can't afford cream for my homemade coffee, it hasn't been too much of a problem, but when I go out to study at Starbucks or Peet's or wherever, it IS a problem. It bothers me that I don't know how many calories I'm consuming there. So I think that starting tomorrow, it does count. Gotta keep track of these things.

Goal for the day/week/month? Less than 600 cal (which might be a problem because I was up to 250 by 9 am....)

Fuck.

So, the ED clinic doesn't take my current insurance, and I have to switch to another version of it, which involves them mailing me a form (7-10 business days), me sending it back, and then they have to approve the change. So, I'm not going to get any help for probably 3 weeks or so, and in 3 weeks or so, am I even going to WANT help? Or is that little voice inside my head that says "Dude, you need help!" going to be completely shut up???

The director of the program said "It sounds like you have a serious eating disorder"--bullshit. I do not. I have a very, very mild ED.

That said, I'm going to try to get back down to 600 cal/day. I've been eating too much, and I do not like the b/p cycle.

I'm going to eat as little as possible in these 3 weeks--see how much weight I can lose...

I just saw my therapist

We spent a LOT of time talking about eating. She thinks (and I agree) that it's one of the major reasons I wound up in the hospital. She wants me to go to one of the local ED centers for their intensive outpatient programs.

::SIGH::

As much as I rail against it, a small (very small!) part of me realizes that I need to get better to move along with my life (I want to go into social work, and you can't get started in it if you're still fucked up...) I'm considering the program. (But ONLY if they can still help me lose weight)

I mean...it's not like I can't pick this up again later if their method doesn't work, right?

I'm just...I'm scared. This isn't sustainable! I can't kep resticting, restricting, restricting, BINGE! PURGE! restricting, restricting...etc. It doesn't work! I swear, if I could possibly just NOT EAT, I would. I HATE food, so much. But I can't. And I'm screwing up.

Maybe I'll give it a try, see what happens, and if it doesn't help, go RIGHT BACK to the viscious cycle I'm doing right now...Maybe.

Crap!

Crap crap crap CRAP!

I'm finishing up the OP program tomorrow, but last night I had this revelation that the work just wasn't DONE yet, so I called my clinician and left a message about going to the evening IOP program...turns out my insurance won't cover it. BUT she gave me a bunch of other options...and they're ALL for EDs!!!!!!! WAH!!!!

And I'm so desperate for HELP that I'm almost willing to go, even though a) I don't think that I even HAVE an ED and b) I DON'T want to fix things in the eating department yet (20 more pounds, remember??)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!

*SIGH*

(Posting from my phone, as there's no guarantee of internet tonight...)

I had a chat with my clinician today. I told her I was doing a-ok, and she asked me about my concentration. I told her honestly that it's been shot lately, I've lost my motivation and my concentration. She said "Do you think that's maybe because you're a little bit depressed??" all sarcastically.

THEN, she asked me if I was still engaging in Behaviors (aka cutting, restricting, etc) I was pretty honest. She launched into me about the ED, how I'm the only one who can get myself out of it, it's like locking yourself in a cage and you're the only one with the keys, etc. This is damaging to you, yaddah yaddah. Weight is just a number, BMI is bullshit, you need to accept the facts. Weighing as much as you did when you were 13 is no good, you were a different person then. Etc. (It went on for a long time)

I'm so frustrated!I explained that I can't eat, she said that's because I'm a concrete thinker. But I CAN'T eat normally! Truly! I never, ever learned how, and quite frankly, restricting is MUCH better than what I WAS doing.

I...I just don't know what to do with all of this. My ED? Not that bad. But everyone's making a HUGE deal out of it.

I fucking hate food.

I can't handle all of this. It's my nature to try to please everyone, and in this matter, I just can't.

I think I'm going to try jogging once I get home--get me out of the triggering house, burn some calories, burn off some frustration...

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now...

(I MEANT to go to Starbucks and get a short coffee, but the space there was limited aka NOT AVAILABLE, so I went to Chipotle's--next door for the WiFi--instead. ::SIGH:: Fat forever...)

So, I met someone with a REAL ED in the program today. I heard her talk about how it ruined her life...and I still don't want to get better. I want to get worse. I want to be stick thin, and still feel like it's not enough. Someone told me today that my face looked "healthy"--I could've killed her a little bit. "Fat" is not "healthy" and no one--eating disordered or otherwise--wants to hear that they look "healthy." It's insulting--either it means you're gaining weight (for the ED crowd) or it means you're...well...I can't think of what it means for the other crowd, but it's NOT a compliment.

I think I'm going to start lowering my calories. I don't have the fortitude for the Skinny Girl Diet, or the ABC diet, but I CAN try to cut back by 100 every day. I've been keeping it around 1000/day, so I think tomorrow, I'll aim for 900, etc. I can't stay at this weight, and it's really frustrating me that I can't lose any more! I wish I knew how to! Also, I'm going to start running three times a week, whether I want to or not. A person's got to have discipline! (ah, resolutions...)

Anyway, I should get back to doing homework. And by "get back to" I mean "start"...

Highlight of my day yesterday?

My boss, after not seeing me for three weeks, said "You got skinny!"

...Hooray! (Outside validation!!)

Alone in the misery...

Day starts out pretty well--not the best, because your gf gives you two cookies for breakfast instead of your usual breakfast drink, but you're strong. You can get over it.

You go strong, straight through lunchtime, determined to be good today, to be strong, to power through cravings and "needs"...but then you get shaky, uncertain, and you have to go to work and you can't go to work like that...so what to eat?

Well, there's that Dunkin Donuts right around the corner, and you've been craving a sandwich from them for a while...break down, eat it, feel fat, but know that it's only 460 calories and you still have room in today's allowance. Come up with a plan for the rest of the day (ramen for "dinner," yogurt and maybe a banana with your meds)

Get home, and all hell breaks loose. Make dinner for everyone. Break down and decide to eat some, only a little--MISTAKE! Now you've got the taste on your lips.

Eat some more. Eat that banana you've been wanting to try and break the craving for more food. Wrong. Keep going. Vegetables! Vegetables don't count! Eat those. Eatthe tiny pie in the fridge. Eat a roll. Eat some cereal. And then it's a free-for-all on the Cheetos.

Woah. What to do? GOTTA PUKE!!!

Chug some water. Go up to the bathroom, put the seat up...only water comes up. Orange water. Keep trying. Get some Cheeto up, but not enough. KEEP TRYING. Getting more and more desperate, but nothing will come up. Well, that's it. Now you've not only failed at not eating, you've also failed at PURGING. FAILURE.

At the end of the day, all you have is yourself, and the misery you wreaked upon yourself. Fat, miserable, alone. Failure.

because nobody else cares...

hell, I don't think even YOU guys care, but I post anyway because I need a place to share...

Today I've been pretty good. I had my instant breakfast (200 cal), one Hershey's Hug (because it was forced on my by the girl--23 cal), and a mac'n'cheese from Au Bon Pain (360 cal)--my friend pretty much forced it on me. But if I stick with this, I can keep it to less than 1000, which is all I ask. I try to keep it to one meal a day, and less than 1000 calories, but sadly sometimes I cave (more often lately. I've spent more time with my head over the toilet in the past week than I have in the past three weeks...)

The laxatives turned out...all right. I spent two pretty miserable days--we are NOT doing THAT again any time soon, no siree Bob. It didn't even WORK properly. I'm pretty sure those Cheetos got digested and processed...

In an effort to placate the people at the program I'm in, I bought Carnation Instant Breakfasts (Or "Essentials" as they're called now) It's only 150 calories if you make it with skim milk, and now I can say that I had breakfast. For some reason, I don't mind drinking calories nearly as much as I mind eating them, but these 150 are STILL being included in my count for the day.

Ever since I started this effing program, all anyone's wanted to do is to fix my ED. Well, NEWSFLASH: I don't want to fix it right now. Maybe in 20 lbs...(my therapist says in 20 lbs, it'll be too integrated. No. Really?) Even my effing THERAPIST, whom I love and adore, has jumped on board with this one. It's pretty miserable. I think that I'm going to have to learn to lie until I lose the weight that I need to. I wish I knew an effective way of doing it. I think I'm eating juuuuuust too much per day for the weight loss to set in--juuuuust enough to fuck up my metabolism. Sadness.

OK. But that's all for now. Stay strong, lovelies!

fml

I'm NEVER going to be thin...never ever ever at this rate.

I just ate a SHITTON of cheetos thinking I could just puke them up, but could I? NoooOOooo. So I took almost a whole thing of laxatives (gonna regret THAT in a few hours...) but that just does NOT work as well...I'm going to be fat forever. Forever and ever.

And what's worse is due to being in this outpatient program, I'm around real anorexics who are skinny as can be, and I'll never possess the discipline to be that thin :( (though I'm glad they're getting the help they want...)

um...

I just ate about 1200 calories worth of beef lo mein, and I can't purge because I'm at my girlfriend's house. I'm a little beyond freaked out. That's more than I'm allowed to eat!!! I should have checked before I bought it! Wah!!

Only I can make the changes necessary to live this way. Today's resolution? To eat mindfully, paying attention to what I eat, and chewing each bite at least 20 times before swallowing. Eating is not something that you can avoid, unfortunately, but you can a) minimize how much you're eating and b) make it as pleasant and civilized as possible...

*sigh*

Fat & Happy vs Thin & Crazy

I realized today that I'd much rather be thin and crazy than fat and happy--how can you even be happy if you're fat?  I don't see how that's possible for me.

Why is this? I was talking to a friend, and she told me that I have to choose between being thin and being well.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd rather be thin.

This program is killing me--they TRULY do not want me to restrict while I'm there, but I CANNOT give up the two weeks' hard work that I put in just because they want me to :(  And I'm too honest to lie.  I hate this! I hope they don't section me because of it, but you can't ask a person to give up years worth of bad habits overnight, you know?

I really need some help here. I want to keep restricting so badly (though a part of me realizes that I can't keep it up, and is very scared.)  I think what I need is just a frame of reference shift--I'm not *restricting,* this is merely the way that I eat. One "meal" a day...

This is the lowest I've weighed in my adult life, and there is no way in HELL that I will give that up!

Weakness

I have no will power outside of the hospital, where food only came three times a day, and then was gone.  I can't CONTROL myself! Not to mention this program and it's damn safety contract.  I'm going NUTS.  I'm going to gain all the weight I lost right back, when what I NEED to be doing is losing more weight.

In a moment of weakness, I ate two sandwiches, and puked them both right back up last night.  I ate TOO MUCH yesterday.   I wish I could just bloody well CONTROL myself! HELP!

I'm back

Sorry I was away for so long--things in my head got out of control, and I was inpatient in a psych ward for the past week and a half.  They just let me out yesterday.  But you wanna know the funny thing?  They didn't give a shit about my E.D.  I swear, the only things I ate for the past week and a half were the things my family brought me, pretty much.  I lost almost 10 lbs, and I'm SO afraid that I'm going to gain it back.  Now I'm in an outpatient program, and they made me sign a document saying that I'd refrain from self-injurous behaviour, such as cutting, RESTRICTING FOOD, AND B/Ping. I am SO OUT OF MY DEPTH.  HOW CAN I STOP THIS??  I FINALLY lost weight, I've been DYING to lose weight for over a year now, and I'm FINALLY on track, and they're going to try and make me stop? I don't think so.  This is not over....

156

I'm 156 naked now (159 with clothes on.)  This is a somewhat improvement. I'm making some progress.  I kind of like the challenge to it, though when there's food available I ALWAYS give in.

Truth to tell, though? I don't feel particularly sane right now. Not at all....

An Adventurous Weekend...

I've realized that food issues are something that is completely private--it's not something that one shares with the world.  Why, then, have a blog? Because sometimes even your most private thoughts need to leak out into the world.  They need to be shared.

This weekend, I found myself staring down a bottle of pills. I freaked myself out, and I freaked my girlfriend out, and I freaked out a few friends, too.  I swear, it's the not eating that gets me to this point. But can I stop? No. I'm so determined to lose those damn 15 lbs that I can't stop, even if it means my death. That's stupid--completely stupid.  But I can't stop. I'm sunk.

In other news, I've realized that I've gone far too long without being intellectually stimulated.  Thank the Lord, I'm taking classes again. It's opened my eyes to what I need from the world. I need intellect. I need to study something to be happy. I need music in my life. I need to be so immersed in something that I can't separate myself from it.

I need to eat normally...

4 lbs

Four pounds down after two days of eating practically nothing.

...My aunt baked cookies. I am trying SO HARD to avoid them.

Wasted

I read it. It was fascinating. I'm still on a path to being Sick.

Good Day

(Yes, I'm back to "good days" and "bad days")
After my failed resolution (I failed pretty quickly, huh?) to start a liquid diet--I ate a TON that day and then puked it all back up--I was really, really good yesterday. I had about 5 bites of the risotto that my boss bought for lunch...and that was it. All day.

I figure cigarettes are cheaper than food, right?

I'm a little worried about today, though--I already ate the rest of the risotto, which I was supposed to save for lunch, and I'm actually going *home* tonight, where the temptation to eat is VAST and ABUNDANT.

But yesterday, it was like I turned over a new leaf.  I'm going to lose at least 15 lbs--this is my current goal--and I will do it any way possible. I am determined.

145

I don't think this is what she meant to happen, but my therapist had a little bet-type thing going with me that if I checked with health services (or my doctor, whatever) about healthy weight ranges, my goal weight wouldn't be in it....but it's only 15 lbs below the topmost point of the range at 130.  So, I've written 145 on my hand and it is staying there until I reach it (145 being the "healthy" zone.)  I am doing a liquid day tomorrow, and then maybe limited food the day after, and then another liquid day, and I am going to continue until I get to 145 or I die. Whichever comes first. (Or, if recent experience is any indicator, until I completely lose my will power and go back to binging without purging, fatty mcfatterton that I am...)  I'm hoping that by avoiding food only one day at a time, then it'll all be more manageable. I can  handle this. I can get to 145, and I can do it FAST. Dammit.

so yeah, some thoughts

Today, I met with my new psych/prescriber person.  She noted the ED stuff on my sheet, and said that we don't have to talk about it yet, but it's something that she WILL help me through. I...don't know how I feel about that. I feel...oddly comforted, knowing someone's out there who cares about it, but at the same time, I don't WANT to work through this until I'm bloody well THIN.

I haven't been good today. I feel like I should be done with the "good" evaluation aspect of it all, and just rejoice in it when it happens. But if I don't note when I'm good, how am I ever going to positively reinforce that behaviour?

Also, I'm hungry. I want to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat. But I won't.  My favorite pair of jeans has worn through at the thigh, a tribute to how FAT I am, and that should be motivation enough...

So yeah. Those are my thoughts for the moment.

I don't know...

No matter what I do, I can't stay below 160.  Right now, I am 160 on the dot, which is pretty good for me--5 lbs down from "the usual," but no matter what I do (starve, eat, purge, whatever) I can't stay below that.  All I want is to get down to 130. I want to be thin. I want to know that I'm thin. Is that too much to ask? I just...want to be thin.

What I am doing is not sustainable

I can't keep this up. I'm screwing up my metabolism. AND I CAN'T STOP. But I'll HAVE TO. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

So, things...

Things have been going pretty decently--I seem to be losing SOME weight, despite my periodic eating binges, which is really exciting, and I've managed to sort of chill out on the eating, with the start of classes and continuation of work.  My friend came up from another big city this weekend and said that I was skinny(!!!) (YAY!) So I think things are starting to pay off.  (Now if only they'll continue!)

Now, the only problem is stopping the binges.  I wish I could better control myself, but I guess that's something that comes with time and practice.

Also, on the topic of thinspiration, does it really help you? All it does for me is send me into fits of bleak despair that I will never be that tiny...

This, too, shall pass

Once I had Things To Do, and there was no food to eat, things got better. Getting back on track. Today? I felt almost skinny, until the end of the day when I saw my reflection. Ah well. Someday...

I wish they had an online blog community for "being fucked up"

I would TOTALLY join that...

Things are really fucked up right now. I'm back to being semi-suicidal, I can't stop eating, and I want to cut like NOTHING ELSE.

Elm

BY SYLVIA PLATH

For Ruth Fainlight

I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root:   

It is what you fear.

I do not fear it: I have been there.

Is it the sea you hear in me,   

Its dissatisfactions?

Or the voice of nothing, that was your madness?

Love is a shadow.

How you lie and cry after it

Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.

All night I shall gallop thus, impetuously,

Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf,   

Echoing, echoing.

Or shall I bring you the sound of poisons?   

This is rain now, this big hush.

And this is the fruit of it: tin-white, like arsenic.

I have suffered the atrocity of sunsets.   

Scorched to the root

My red filaments burn and stand, a hand of wires.

Now I break up in pieces that fly about like clubs.   

A wind of such violence

Will tolerate no bystanding: I must shriek.

The moon, also, is merciless: she would drag me   

Cruelly, being barren.

Her radiance scathes me. Or perhaps I have caught her.

I let her go. I let her go

Diminished and flat, as after radical surgery.   

How your bad dreams possess and endow me.

I am inhabited by a cry.   

Nightly it flaps out

Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.

I am terrified by this dark thing   

That sleeps in me;

All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.

Clouds pass and disperse.

Are those the faces of love, those pale irretrievables?   

Is it for such I agitate my heart?

I am incapable of more knowledge.   

What is this, this face

So murderous in its strangle of branches?——

Its snaky acids kiss.

It petrifies the will. These are the isolate, slow faults   

That kill, that kill, that kill.

Sylvia Plath, “Elm” from Collected Poems. Copyright © 1960, 1965, 1971, 1981 by the Estate of Sylvia Plath. Editorial matter copyright © 1981 by Ted Hughes. Used by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.