Freaked Out, Losing Control

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into bulimia, and this scares the hell out of me. I'm NOT going to get thin that way--I can't even get everything OUT when I puke. It scares me that I'm beginning to find comfort in this process, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm a wee bit frightened by what's going on in my head. I don't want this. I want to restrict, and restrict, and restrict, until I'm thinner than I've ever been; until people start noticing that something's up; until I feel free from all the baggage in my life...but instead, I get to spend every night eating whatever's in the house and then spend the rest of it with my head in the toilet--why?? Why is this happening to me?? All I wanted to do was Not Eat in simplicity and peace...and instead I get this. This is not the path that I would have chosen, not in the least...