I'm moving

To alittlemorethanlost@tumblr.com

There's more out there in the whole wide (w)intarwebz!

Parting gift? This lil bit of wisdom. It's always truer than you think...

i eat too much...

I'm going to assign times to eat, and stick to them (no matter WHAT!!)—if I could live through hunger when I had an ED, I can live through it again...

Weight gain

I'm truly frustrated. I talked with my prescriber yesterday about the possibility of it being related to my relatively new/any of my meds. We now have a battle plan, for which I am grateful—it's a relief. She says that if the gain is related to meds, she's seen fast results in losing it again after the meds are stopped. But the Plan isn't as fast as I'd like. I'm trying to avoid restricting—I'm almost (*almost*) convinced that it's shot my metabolism—but Evil Brain is displeased with said avoidance. She wants to prescribe me something for sleep that also decreases appetite (not posting here lest people use it for evil...), and it took ALL of Healthy Brain to tell her that it might not be a good idea *right now* cuz my brain's in such a dangerous place. Regretting that now...

Dear sweet God in heaven, let this be related to the meds, and let me lose at least 20lbs when I stop them...

*sigh* I'm back. I guess.

Sorry for the completely I formatted text. Writing from my phone. I'm back. I had the singularly traumatizing experience yesterday of trying on almost all (LITERALLY—almost ALL!!) of my cute/professional/cooler weather clothes...and NOTHING FIT. NOTHING. I almost had to go to a job interview naked and cold. I'm the heaviest I've been since maybe 2009, to the point where even my PRE-ed clothes don't fit, and I'm frustrated and angry. The life of an ED individual is not pleasant. Just going back to the Ana/Mia blog and fucking *skimming* reminded me of that, never mind years of personal misery in & out of treatment and (psych) hospitals. I cease functioning when I cease eating. I get suicidal. Depressed. All 'round craaaaaazytown. (Legit) And it's scary. But I can't live like this. I can't. I need to go back down in weight, and literally the ONLY effective method I've ever used is this damnable ED. (I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be back on blogs. I should be encouraging following my meal plan and doing what I need to do to get better. I shouldn't be encouraging Evil Brain and the damned ED. Even just READING this shit is sending me right back to when I was 23, the same shiver in my body and vibrations in my head. This is bad. This is very, very bad...) I can't. You can't win when you have an ED.

Issues

I'm so beyond conflicted right now. Life can really suck sometimes. My case manager at the ED program I'm in has told me that focusing on my weight is easier than focusing on the other shit going on, but really? What else is going on that's that bad? Nothing. So why, oh why, do I feel this overwhelming urge to go back to starving myself? Maybe I'll try it for a few days, and see how it goes...

I'm baaaaaack!

Though I'm not sure how "back" I am. I've been really ambivalent lately...

So, for the past 6 months or so, I've been in treatment, and it was going really well until I moved into the evening program, which super sucks. Now, I'm toying with relapse. The only things that are keeping me from it are a) my *wonderful* new nutritionist and b) the amount of energy that my new job requires--I could not manage there if I stopped eating again, and there's no time for purging (plus? It would be SUPER unsanitary there...)

So I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to be thin again (I've gained 18 lbs, mostly by NOT following my meal plan, but I also feel like some of it is because of said meal plan. I don't know...) BUT I can't be half-assed about this if I want it to work, you know?

Argh! I don't know. It's just SO frustrating. I feel like all the good work I put into losing this whole ED thing has been thrown out the window, and I'm not sure of why. I also feel lke once you've got ED symptoms, it's nigh on impossible to rid yourself of them. It requires CONSTANT and concerted effort to keep the forces of evil at bay, and that's just something I haven't got right now.

But I don't want to turn into a serial treatment patient, you know? Someone who bounces in and out of treatment forever...

Help me decide!!

Cookies are hard to purge...

I've started sorting the world into "purge" foods and "not good for purging" foods...::SIGH::
I need to get a GRIP!