*sigh*

I've decided to go into the partial hospitalization program at the treatment center I'm currently at. :(

I was purging the other night, when all of a sudden, it felt comfortable--I wanted to just keep going: that scared me. I don't mind it when not eating feels that way, but purging?? THAT scares the shit out of me.

I'm NOT 100% committed to getting better, though (whatever 'better' means...) I...don't know how this is going to go.

I'm scared. Scared of a lot of things (will I be able to get by financially for 3-6 weeks? AM I GOING TO GET FAT??? Will I lose my girlfriend if this doesn't work out? Etc etc etc--SO many fears...) It's stressing me out.

My case manager told me that she's proud of me. I can't deal with that. DON'T be proud of me for making an unavoidable decision. Besides, I might change my mind in 2 weeks' time when my jobs are done and I have the time to go and do this thing...

I'm NOT happy with this decision, and I'm more scared than I was before I got any treatment at all--what am I DOING???

Comforting thought: I can always go back, and not tell anyone this time 'round. I guess...

Hope you're all well.