*SIGH*

(Posting from my phone, as there's no guarantee of internet tonight...)

I had a chat with my clinician today. I told her I was doing a-ok, and she asked me about my concentration. I told her honestly that it's been shot lately, I've lost my motivation and my concentration. She said "Do you think that's maybe because you're a little bit depressed??" all sarcastically.

THEN, she asked me if I was still engaging in Behaviors (aka cutting, restricting, etc) I was pretty honest. She launched into me about the ED, how I'm the only one who can get myself out of it, it's like locking yourself in a cage and you're the only one with the keys, etc. This is damaging to you, yaddah yaddah. Weight is just a number, BMI is bullshit, you need to accept the facts. Weighing as much as you did when you were 13 is no good, you were a different person then. Etc. (It went on for a long time)

I'm so frustrated!I explained that I can't eat, she said that's because I'm a concrete thinker. But I CAN'T eat normally! Truly! I never, ever learned how, and quite frankly, restricting is MUCH better than what I WAS doing.

I...I just don't know what to do with all of this. My ED? Not that bad. But everyone's making a HUGE deal out of it.

I fucking hate food.

I can't handle all of this. It's my nature to try to please everyone, and in this matter, I just can't.

I think I'm going to try jogging once I get home--get me out of the triggering house, burn some calories, burn off some frustration...