Fears and Ramblings

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. Not enough, but a lot. And some of it's been about getting better. I realized that it's a nice idea...but the process involves EATING. Now, if I were still in my crazy purging place, that wouldn't bother me so much, but since I've started restricting seriously, it DOES bother me. They are going to want me to eat three meals a day, and those meals are going to have to be more than 200 calories each.

I...I don't know how they're going to get me to DO that, because you can't just take a person who's been doing her own thing and all of a sudden make her change that. No! You've got to ease into it.

Besides, part of the reason I don't eat "normally" is that I never learned how to eat normally. I mean, seriously, c'mon! Growing up? A vegetable was defined as a can of green beans split between six people.

They're going to have to teach me before I even consider eating again.

I'm also really, REALLY afraid that I'm going to gain all the weight I just lost back and balloon up again. Now really, there's NO need for me to gain weight. In fact, I'm finally *approaching* the "healthy" weight range for my height (never mind that probably the reason I'm so heavy is mostly because of my bones--THAT'S making excuses. I am a fat ass and there's no getting around it. I want to be TINY. That's why the current goal is to lose as much weight as possible during these three weeks...)

I just...I don't know how I feel about all of this. Honestly, I don't think that I should need help. This is just about the stupidest thing I've ever done to myself--I should be able to just pick up where I left off, just start eating again, and all my problems would be solved (except they won't be. I have a lot of hidden shit that I have to deal with.) I shouldn't need help to do that--if I could just put my head on right, then I could suck it up and deal on my own...but I can't. I can't just eat. I can't bring myself to do it, and when my body takes over and makes me eat, I feel like a fat, disgusting, gross pig and then I feel like I need to either purge or cut.

In other news, and in a lemony twist of irony, I signed up to do the Walk for Hunger--it's a 20 mile walk. THAT should be interesting (seeing as I've never done more than maybe 5 miles before in my life...) But it's a good cause, and my girlfriend's doing it, so.. ;)

I should stop rambling now. I have other fears, but they haven't been voiced yet. I'll ramble some more when I figure them out. In the MEANwhile, I've got to go take a midterm I haven't studied for. PEACE, HOMIES!