Worries

So, I'm really worried that I'm not going to have the energy to be a good girlfriend over the course of the next three weeks.

As much as I pretend to ignore it, I know that not eating is really, really bad for me. It fucks up my moods, first and foremost, and it leaves me in this sort of fuzzy state, where I'm not really functioning.

Like...last night for instance. My girlfriend was REALLY in the mood...but I was not. And I think it's because I didn't eat enough during the day.

But I'm REALLY determined to stay the course, and be really, really sick for these three weeks of waiting to see if I can change insurances/get into the ED program. I want to make the most of it.

I do not understand my ED. It sort of started as a way to hurt myself, because I'm into that. Then, when I was in the hospital, it turned into a control issue, and then it turned into a genuine desire to lose weight. But I think the other two things (hurting myself and control) are still there.

My therapist thinks I'm lumping my anxiety with my eating habits, that I'm doing this so that I don't have to think about anything else. And you know what? I don't know if she's right or not.

If I got ONE thing out of the OP program I was in, it's that I do not for the life of me understand my emotions. I can't talk about them! And I think that's key to "getting better" (which as of today? I don't want to do. I only want to get better for my girlfriend's sake, because I don't want to hurt her...)

So....I'm just really worried that I'm going to be a miserable GF until I get the help that I need, and who KNOWS when that'll be... :(