Why do I DO this to myself???

Bored. Killing time. Thirsty. So what do I do? Go in search of a smoothie, despite the fact that I've eaten most of a dinner AND a damnable supplemental drink because I couldn't finish my dinner (motherfucking program!)

The place doesn't have smoothies. So I order a FroYo--only 125 calories plus the fruit--fine. But now? NOW I want to PUKE, and there's no place to DO it because I'm in public and I'm freaking the hell OUT and there's no one to SHARE this with because no one GETS it. I'm FAT. My foodstuffs are making me FAT. WHY can't I just STARVE myself? WHY do I have to go through all this food, this bingeing and purging, this nasty, disgusting, FAT-MAKING cycle all the bloody time? GAH!I just want freedom from this--THIN freedom from this, that is. Not "fat and happy" freedom, no no no. I will NEVER be fat and happy, because you CAN'T be happy if you're fat. It doesn't WORK that way. GAH! Just...just GAH! Save me from myself! I just wish I could do this the RIGHT way. And I wish I'd never stopped for FroYo. Baaaaad idea. Bad idea...