Unworthy

I feel unworthy to post here now on several levels: one being that I've been eating like a pig (thanks to my family and their going out to eat these past two days...and you can't be ungrateful and say "no thanks" and you can't NOT eat and this and that--always some excuse...) and two I've decided to go into that dumb clinic.

This is not my first choice. I would rather just starve slowly for a while longer. But when you make someone cry, it really gets to you, especially if that someone is a person for whom you care deeply. I don't want to be the cause of her hurt. So I have to do something.

Yes, I realize I can go and try it out, and if it sucks, just go back to my ways, but the thing is, then I'll still be hurting my girlfriend, and I can't HAVE that. I feel so trapped. Caught. In between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I just didn't exist. Don't get me wrong--I'm not even close to suicidal right now. Just...it would be easier. Then, I wouldn't have all these dumb things to sort through, from my mental health to everything else in the world.

Now pardon me--I have to go eat like a pig...(NOT. What is WRONG with me??? I JUST WANT TO STARVE A LITTLE BIT.)