Sorry!

I've been remiss in my 'diligent posting' duties!

I can't help it! I don't even know what to say any more. I'm so confused. I want to continue in my ways, so badly...but a part of me also wants to eat 'normally'--not 'get better', no. I'm still being my piggish self.

I need help. I can't do this any more, this arguing with myself, telling myself how bad I am all the time--it can't be healthy, right? But it feels like the right thing to DO, see?

I refuse to eat until I meet with my nutritionist and get a sense of what a normal person can eat without getting fat--because I REFUSE to gain weight

The healthy instincts are at war with my instincts...I guess you COULD call them 'unhealthy,' I mean, who knows?

All I know is that this is all very hard. Very, very hard, and I don't like it.