some sort of update

I think that recovery--or more properly, 'recovery'--is the worst torture ive ever inflicted upon myself, and if I were a quitter, I would have quit by now, it's so painful.

Problem: I can't eat. They require you to eat.
Problem: I can't not eat. I can't STOP once I get started--the overwhelming dinner that they force on me in the program turns into what amounts to a warm-up meal, as I go home and eat and eat and eat. And then I puke. Most of the time. It's *so scary* feeling so out of control. And they all chalk it up to "oh, it's just your body reacting to starvation"--like HELL it is! I may not be the most in tune with my body possible, but I can tell the difference between a starvation binge and the other kind of 'out of control.'

Problem: I'm stuck. Everyone was like "just try it out--if you don't like it, you can go back to what you were doing before"--WRONG. Now that I'm eating so much, I'm *deathly* afraid that if I go back to not eating, I'm going to lose it and wind up in the hospital again.

This whole thing is so beyond frustrating, from the process itself, to dealing with the insurance, to thinking about how my actions will affect others, to this, to that--every aspect of this process has some kind of pain attached to it, and I hate it. Am I even into the idea of recovering? No. Then why do I keep going back? I do not know. (Because I'm not a quitter? Because a part of me wants to recover? Because I like the attention?? Because I feel like it's my last chance?? I DO NOT KNOW!!)

So, I put up with the weighing of my fat ass, I struggle through disgusting dinners, I deal with people telling me my thinking is distorted...for another day. (But not today! It's such a *relief* to not have to go in today....)

I just wish it could all go away. I'm so tired. Tired, tired, tired, tired.

I just want to be thin, and hungry most of the time. Is that so much to ask?