Tuesday, April 19, 2011

getting out of my fat ass weekend ways...

I eat like a PIG on weekends. In Group, they had us do weekend planning to get some structure into our free days--I think I need it for food.

Now, I'm trying to get out of the habit of eating like a madwoman, and it's REALLY HARD! I don't even eat because I'm hungry--I just eat for the hell of it. GAH!

So, I'm struggling today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I really want to eat my 'lunch' right now, but I WILL hold out til 2:00, dammit!

Eating scares me. The thin veneer of control that I have sometimes is dashed away as soon as there's food in my presence. It's scary! I wound up purging this weekend, for the first time in forever.

But you know what? The self-hatred that usually drives that sort of behavior is at bay (I wonder if that's why I've been eating, too...?) It's odd. I'm oddly at peace. I can't work up the energy to call myself a fat pig (even as I FEEL fatter and fatter.) I don't wanna cut, I don't wanna purge, I don't necessarily seek out that empty hunger feeling. I'm just...being. Mind you, I'm binging, which is self-destructive in itself, so...yeah.

But. Those are my thoughts.

Also, I've decided to run a half marathon or a full one next year. :)

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