...And I'm OUT...again

My insurance company is the dumbest insurance company ever--I wasn't even in residential a full week this time 'round before they decided to kick me out because I wasn't engaging in Behaviors (which I COULDN'T engage in within those walls) and because I wasn't actively suicidal (which is something I was thanking the LORD for...)

So now it's the weekend, and I'm free as a bird, without any support. Great.

I'm greatly ambivalent about this whole "recovery" thing--on the one hand, I recognize its necessity in moving forward with life. On the other, I feel this great need to keep a death grip on my problems. I feel defined by them...but what is a life that is defined by Problems? I'm reaching a stage in my life where I HAVE to be able to move beyond them, where they're beginning to interfere with the things I want to do. I'm not in the bubble of college any more. I HAVE to be able to function within the confines of the "real world" and that's not going to happen if I'm b/ping all. the time. or cutting every other night/week, you know?

I need to find a way to integrate these things into my PAST, to appreciate them for what they WERE, and not for what they ARE to me any more.

I'm also in a lot of trouble when it comes to meds. I've been off my mood stabilizer since two Saturdays ago, and I felt really good about it because I HATED it--it was making me shaky and making my hair fall out, and flatlining me like none other. AND it wasn't helping with the lows, so since no one in the program was doing anything about it, *I* decided to take it into my own hands and do something about it. So I stopped the drug.

But now, they really want me to take a new one, that's really going to require a commitment to take it. I am NOT a "commitment" person. Not in the least. I periodically decide that I'm fine, and don't need my meds any more, so I stop taking them, but if I do this with THIS drug, it basically counts it out for me (you can get a life-threatening rash on this drug, and the likelihood of that increases the more you start/stop it...) so if it WORKS, I'll be screwing myself out of something that could really, really help...

I just don't know what to do. My life is a mess right now, and I can't clean it up (much like my bedroom, which is currently a DISASTER zone, and part of why I'm sitting at Starbucks on my second venti iced coffee instead of heading home to face the music, haha) I'm so frustrated. And lonely. At least when I was in residential, there were always PEOPLE around. Now, I feel so alone....

I have more to say, but I'll probably say it later.

I'm fighting the urge to restrict today. I know that if I do that, the likelihood of gaining weight increases (and I still DESPERATELY want to lose weight...) because I'd be shutting down my metabolism, and because I'd be more likely to b/p, which is never 100% efficient...(I'm beginning to think about diet pills...) but the temptation is so great! (Also, I'm already doing it, not having had breakfast, morning snack, OR lunch at this point--just a conglomeration of some soup and chips, which have NOTHING to do with my current meal plan....they were just there, and I was hungry. I've been REALLY, REALLY hungry lately, and that disturbs me. I can't figure it out. It might just be the emotional need to eat, but it feels physical, and I can't tell any more. I just know that I WANT TO EAT. ALL. THE. TIME. ...except when I don't. I was doing so well in the program, and now that I'm on my own, I'm doing terribly. I need help still. In a major way....)

Anyway, that's all for now. Good luck, dearest readers, in your pursuits.