Why do I DO this to myself???

Bored. Killing time. Thirsty. So what do I do? Go in search of a smoothie, despite the fact that I've eaten most of a dinner AND a damnable supplemental drink because I couldn't finish my dinner (motherfucking program!)

The place doesn't have smoothies. So I order a FroYo--only 125 calories plus the fruit--fine. But now? NOW I want to PUKE, and there's no place to DO it because I'm in public and I'm freaking the hell OUT and there's no one to SHARE this with because no one GETS it. I'm FAT. My foodstuffs are making me FAT. WHY can't I just STARVE myself? WHY do I have to go through all this food, this bingeing and purging, this nasty, disgusting, FAT-MAKING cycle all the bloody time? GAH!I just want freedom from this--THIN freedom from this, that is. Not "fat and happy" freedom, no no no. I will NEVER be fat and happy, because you CAN'T be happy if you're fat. It doesn't WORK that way. GAH! Just...just GAH! Save me from myself! I just wish I could do this the RIGHT way. And I wish I'd never stopped for FroYo. Baaaaad idea. Bad idea...

I wonder...

I was stuck at 160, 163 for a good long while. Am I going to be stuck at 140, 143 for the same amount of time? What changed, so that I lost all that weight so quickly??? And more importantly, will I still be able to lose weight now that I'm STUCK on a 'recovery' track?

Important questions...

Attacked by Lunch

Free food at training: be a douche and skip it? Or feed my fat ass? Guess which one I picked....

Problems

I already e-mailed someone about this, but it's driving me CRAZY!
I'd forgotten that once I start eating, I literally cannot stop. Can. Not. Stop. It's embarrassing! And fattening!

Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight from this...yet...but it's only a matter of time, you know? I've *GOT* to cut this off, and I just feel so helpless against it.

And so, I HAVE to eat this egregiously large dinner three days a week at this program, right? And THAT pisses me off, too--not just because of the portions, but because of the timing. My ritual is to go home, check the mail, and eat (and then maybe--MAYBE--puke.) This means that with this forced meal, I am now eating TWICE in one evening, and I do not have the power to fight it. I'm weak.

And on TOP of that, my daytime restriction has gone out the window. Literally. Gone. Buh bye! So I'm over eating. All. Day. Long. I need HELP to stop this viscious, ugly cycle of fatness. Please?? Help me??

And THEN, someone eked the secret that I'm in an ED program out of me. I am royally pissed off and annoyed about that. Now, said person thinks that I'm taking care of myself, when CLEARLY I'm not, and may never actually do so beyond surface concerns. It makes me want to cry, the whole situation. :(

I just need input. Advice. Guidance and help. I want to get back on the path to Thin. Not this overindulgant, puke-filled path that I'm on now. I want to starve myself again, and I want to be good at it, for once...

I want to cry a little bit

Too much food forced on me, PMS, and a series of overwhelming events has rendered me a shivering glob of former humanity.

I hate how much food I've been eating! I HATE it! I want to be thin, to wither away...fade away.

Thought: when asked about my relationship with my body, I realized it's nonexistant. Undefineable. The closest thing I could come up with was that of a master and a "good slave", the kind you never notice until you decide to punish him/her. My body is so below my attention, I use it merely to convey me from point A to point B. ...but your body has to be so much more than that to you--your body IS you,and you are your body.

But when it comes down to it, I don't hate my body. At least, not in a special way. I hate myself, and that's why I do these terrible things to myself (sick, right?) I hate my body as an extension of that self-hatred.

And I am fat, fatter, fattest. And I...don't feel well with the world. All is not well.

Nerves

I'm going into the OP program this evening--SO NERVOUS. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? I don't need this! I'm not bad enough! I'm hardly even at the brink of qualifying for help. Plus? I am a fat ass. I won't fit in.

Things I Already Find Humiliating:
*Supervised dinners with food requirements
*The fact that they weigh my fat ass--I am not even CLOSE to underweight: there is NO NEED for that!
*The fact that once they weigh my fat ass, they won't even let me know the fat numbers.

I'm already angry, and the program hasn't even started. And I'm nervous. And I can't talk about it with any one because the only people who know are my aunt in another state, my fake mother in another state, and my therapist. GAH!

I should be more excited...

I stepped on the scale nekkid this evening just for the hell of it, even though I pigged out this evening because I have no self control and am a fat pig...and it was just a little above 140! This is EXCELLENT news!! 5 lbs closer to my 130 goal! ...but I just can't get excited. Because I'm a fat pig.

Also, I can't get out of my head the "blind weighing" they did at the ED center today--how embarrassing is that??? THEY get to see how much your fat self weighs, and YOU have to just stand there and look at the wall...I wonder what my real weight is (I've been using my grandmother's scale, which is pretty old.) I'll bet it's something awful like 147 or higher, especially with all my clothes on. URGH. I DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS. I can quit any time. I can quit any time. I can quit any time....

I wish I wasn't so fat. I will tell you one thing now--no matter what, I will NOT lose sight of the weight loss goal. I WILL continue to lose weight...

oops

I really did just eat like a pig. More shame.
AND
I can't puke because I went to church today and had Communion and you're not supposed to throw up after that for the rest of the day (don't ask me why, I couldn't explain it. I'm sorry...) *SIGH*

Unworthy

I feel unworthy to post here now on several levels: one being that I've been eating like a pig (thanks to my family and their going out to eat these past two days...and you can't be ungrateful and say "no thanks" and you can't NOT eat and this and that--always some excuse...) and two I've decided to go into that dumb clinic.

This is not my first choice. I would rather just starve slowly for a while longer. But when you make someone cry, it really gets to you, especially if that someone is a person for whom you care deeply. I don't want to be the cause of her hurt. So I have to do something.

Yes, I realize I can go and try it out, and if it sucks, just go back to my ways, but the thing is, then I'll still be hurting my girlfriend, and I can't HAVE that. I feel so trapped. Caught. In between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I just didn't exist. Don't get me wrong--I'm not even close to suicidal right now. Just...it would be easier. Then, I wouldn't have all these dumb things to sort through, from my mental health to everything else in the world.

Now pardon me--I have to go eat like a pig...(NOT. What is WRONG with me??? I JUST WANT TO STARVE A LITTLE BIT.)

Verdict:

I am NOT allowed to be in the kitchen alone: this is when things go awry.

So this morning, I went to put my capris on (ever hopeful of Spring...) and they were about three inches too big, too!!! I think I'm pretty securely a size 6 now!!!!! (Too bad I think it's not gonna last...) I was so excited when I got into the single-digit sizes last year, but this? This is even more exciting! Now if only I could stop eating like a fatass...

Has anyone ever tried green smoothies, btw? I'm thinking of trying it, but I don't want to waste the calories on something that's just going to leave me craving more in an hour.

So, finals are revving up to full swing. Life is hectic. I've been trying to balance family, the gf, school, volunteering, and work all at once. I think once finals are over, life will be more...peaceful. I'd forgotten what it was like, having been out of school for two years. Maybe the stress is why I've been eating like crazy? That and the "not smoking" thing (which is actually going really well!) I just feel so...overwhelmed! I don't know what to do!

All right. That's all for now. Hope you're all well!

Fat. Ass.

Oh. Em. Gee. I have been eating. Like a PIG these past three days! And I can't get away from it!!! I swear, I've gained 5 solid pounds back!!! :(

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better...(What if it's not???)

And to make it worse/extend the horror? My grandmother got me CHEETOS for my birthdayb!! I cannot resist Cheetos!!! Waaaaaaaaaaah, fat pig!!!!!!!!

Help me!! How am I going to get back on track???

Fears and Ramblings

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. Not enough, but a lot. And some of it's been about getting better. I realized that it's a nice idea...but the process involves EATING. Now, if I were still in my crazy purging place, that wouldn't bother me so much, but since I've started restricting seriously, it DOES bother me. They are going to want me to eat three meals a day, and those meals are going to have to be more than 200 calories each.

I...I don't know how they're going to get me to DO that, because you can't just take a person who's been doing her own thing and all of a sudden make her change that. No! You've got to ease into it.

Besides, part of the reason I don't eat "normally" is that I never learned how to eat normally. I mean, seriously, c'mon! Growing up? A vegetable was defined as a can of green beans split between six people.

They're going to have to teach me before I even consider eating again.

I'm also really, REALLY afraid that I'm going to gain all the weight I just lost back and balloon up again. Now really, there's NO need for me to gain weight. In fact, I'm finally *approaching* the "healthy" weight range for my height (never mind that probably the reason I'm so heavy is mostly because of my bones--THAT'S making excuses. I am a fat ass and there's no getting around it. I want to be TINY. That's why the current goal is to lose as much weight as possible during these three weeks...)

I just...I don't know how I feel about all of this. Honestly, I don't think that I should need help. This is just about the stupidest thing I've ever done to myself--I should be able to just pick up where I left off, just start eating again, and all my problems would be solved (except they won't be. I have a lot of hidden shit that I have to deal with.) I shouldn't need help to do that--if I could just put my head on right, then I could suck it up and deal on my own...but I can't. I can't just eat. I can't bring myself to do it, and when my body takes over and makes me eat, I feel like a fat, disgusting, gross pig and then I feel like I need to either purge or cut.

In other news, and in a lemony twist of irony, I signed up to do the Walk for Hunger--it's a 20 mile walk. THAT should be interesting (seeing as I've never done more than maybe 5 miles before in my life...) But it's a good cause, and my girlfriend's doing it, so.. ;)

I should stop rambling now. I have other fears, but they haven't been voiced yet. I'll ramble some more when I figure them out. In the MEANwhile, I've got to go take a midterm I haven't studied for. PEACE, HOMIES!

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now...

(I MEANT to go to Starbucks and get a short coffee, but the space there was limited aka NOT AVAILABLE, so I went to Chipotle's--next door for the WiFi--instead. ::SIGH:: Fat forever...)

So, I met someone with a REAL ED in the program today. I heard her talk about how it ruined her life...and I still don't want to get better. I want to get worse. I want to be stick thin, and still feel like it's not enough. Someone told me today that my face looked "healthy"--I could've killed her a little bit. "Fat" is not "healthy" and no one--eating disordered or otherwise--wants to hear that they look "healthy." It's insulting--either it means you're gaining weight (for the ED crowd) or it means you're...well...I can't think of what it means for the other crowd, but it's NOT a compliment.

I think I'm going to start lowering my calories. I don't have the fortitude for the Skinny Girl Diet, or the ABC diet, but I CAN try to cut back by 100 every day. I've been keeping it around 1000/day, so I think tomorrow, I'll aim for 900, etc. I can't stay at this weight, and it's really frustrating me that I can't lose any more! I wish I knew how to! Also, I'm going to start running three times a week, whether I want to or not. A person's got to have discipline! (ah, resolutions...)

Anyway, I should get back to doing homework. And by "get back to" I mean "start"...

um...

I just ate about 1200 calories worth of beef lo mein, and I can't purge because I'm at my girlfriend's house. I'm a little beyond freaked out. That's more than I'm allowed to eat!!! I should have checked before I bought it! Wah!!

Only I can make the changes necessary to live this way. Today's resolution? To eat mindfully, paying attention to what I eat, and chewing each bite at least 20 times before swallowing. Eating is not something that you can avoid, unfortunately, but you can a) minimize how much you're eating and b) make it as pleasant and civilized as possible...

*sigh*

156

I'm 156 naked now (159 with clothes on.)  This is a somewhat improvement. I'm making some progress.  I kind of like the challenge to it, though when there's food available I ALWAYS give in.

Truth to tell, though? I don't feel particularly sane right now. Not at all....

so yeah, some thoughts

Today, I met with my new psych/prescriber person.  She noted the ED stuff on my sheet, and said that we don't have to talk about it yet, but it's something that she WILL help me through. I...don't know how I feel about that. I feel...oddly comforted, knowing someone's out there who cares about it, but at the same time, I don't WANT to work through this until I'm bloody well THIN.

I haven't been good today. I feel like I should be done with the "good" evaluation aspect of it all, and just rejoice in it when it happens. But if I don't note when I'm good, how am I ever going to positively reinforce that behaviour?

Also, I'm hungry. I want to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat. But I won't.  My favorite pair of jeans has worn through at the thigh, a tribute to how FAT I am, and that should be motivation enough...

So yeah. Those are my thoughts for the moment.

Impromptu Afternoon Off!

Woo hoo! ...but now I don't know what to DO with myself! If I go home, I'll EAT! Because that's what I DO when I'm bored (and I have tomorrow off, too, oh boy oh boy...)

I decided to get a skinny vanilla latte--let me tell you, NOT a win. It tastes gross and has about 130 calories. TOO MANY! It's time to break out the diet cokes again. Those are my saviour when I'm trying not to eat.

In other news, I think I'm going slowly crazy as the meds wean out of my system. I'm a wee bit worried about all of this, as mentioned before. I'm SO ANTSY. And I don't think the Not Eating is helping.

I need to come up with plans to avoid food, too, because I'm pretty sure my grandma's going to make dinner pretty much every night, and it is Not To Be Avoided. Maybe *I'll* start making it, and claim that I picked while cooking and therefore am full...but that'll only work some nights.

But I'm really excited! I stepped on the scale this morning, and I was down to 155 for the first time in MONTHS--that's five pounds less than it was the LAST time I checked. Here's hoping it stays! I mean, I'm still a complete fat ass, but that's 5 lbs LESS of fat-ass-dom! Yay!

Thinking thin,

Yours.

Time to get things under control

I am the worst ED person ever.  I...completely gave up for the past week or two, and it's time to get back on track.

How do I know that? Aside from well...the constant eating I've been doing for the past two weeks, you know...Right.

I know that because I bought a jacket.  Mind you, I bought it online, so I didn't get to try it on. Which shouldn't have been a problem, but it is.  I got it in medium, thinking a) that it will be my winter salvation and b) that a medium should be FINE, because EVERYTHING ELSE THAT I OWN IS A MEDIUM BECAUSE I AM A FAT ASS WHO CAN'T CONTROL HER EATING. Right?

WRONG.  It's too small.  This has NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. A MEDIUM...has NEVER BEEN TOO SMALL FOR ME BEFORE.

What. The hell.

So. Starting tomorrow, I'm back on the anti-fatty diet. I hope. Wish me strength, because my lazy ass loves eating and keeping it in farrrrrr too much for my own good. I have a WHOLE WINTER to lose this fatty mcfatterton fatass that I own.

No excuses. Not the new girlfriend, not the relative well-adjustedness of my life. Not the fact that I no longer feel the NEED to hurt myself, which is what started this whole thing. I will not eat because I am a fat ass and don't deserve to eat.

It will help that my family has just gone vegan until Christmas.  I can pretend to play their game.

Oy vey. What an affair...

New Job

New Job is DEFINITELY going to keep me on track.  Now the only dilemma is the McDonald's, ever so close to my gym.

I don't understand why, but working out makes me RAVENOUSLY hungry--like, "can't stop eating" hungry.  So it will be a new challenge to learn to avoid that particular temptation.  Besides, one can only eat a cheeseburger so many times before it gets old, right?