I'm moving

To alittlemorethanlost@tumblr.com

There's more out there in the whole wide (w)intarwebz!

Parting gift? This lil bit of wisdom. It's always truer than you think...

i eat too much...

I'm going to assign times to eat, and stick to them (no matter WHAT!!)—if I could live through hunger when I had an ED, I can live through it again...

I wouldn't wish this on anyone...

I realize that I wouldn't wish an ED on anyone. It's just one of the most awful things around, and recovery from it is a bitch, if you even ever get around to TRYING to recover.

I think I will always have my ED. Even after I get out of residential and partial and IOP, it will always be there--a sinister friend, lurking, waiting for the right time to shine.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hope you all find ways out of this bitch of a cycle. I hope you all learn to garner yourselves some self-acceptance and maybe even self-love (I know, it's impossible and far off...) I hope you all get out of this vicious son of a bitch cycle of behaviors. I do....

I'll be back with more, but it's difficult to post/respond when you're physically IN treatment. ::sigh::

I do hope all's well with you all. I miss you, dear readers...

Rainy Day...

Rainy days make me want to do nothing. OK, maybe they make me want to cuddle up and write bad poetry. There is that.

I finally finished my month-overdue essay...and I feel all empty and purposeless now. Dunno what to do with myself (so obviously, I post!)

I'm having mixed feelings. It's almost the time where my insurance will go through to get me into the ED program. Thing is? I don't want to lose the ED. I...like it. I also hate it, but the pros outweigh the cons right now.

I don't know what to doooooooooooo......so confused! I want to lose my other bad habits, but this one? This one's comfy. And adaptable to all situations--if I eat too much with friends, I make up for it later, y'know? AND I don't want to get fatter! I'm finally starting to see some definition. Bones are beginning to eke their way out. I have a GOAL I need to reach!

But I put all this work into getting into this dumb program.

*SIGH* I just don't know...

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

I don't think I can keep doing this. It's REALLY bad for me. It fucks up my moods, and it shoots my concentration, and it's really just a miserable existence. I hope this insurance issue takes less time to settle than I'm thinking it will.

The really stupid thing? This is COMPLETELY in my hands. If I wanted to, I could totally just start eating again, and everything would be all right. Except that I can't. I can't bring myself to do that.

Worries

So, I'm really worried that I'm not going to have the energy to be a good girlfriend over the course of the next three weeks.

As much as I pretend to ignore it, I know that not eating is really, really bad for me. It fucks up my moods, first and foremost, and it leaves me in this sort of fuzzy state, where I'm not really functioning.

Like...last night for instance. My girlfriend was REALLY in the mood...but I was not. And I think it's because I didn't eat enough during the day.

But I'm REALLY determined to stay the course, and be really, really sick for these three weeks of waiting to see if I can change insurances/get into the ED program. I want to make the most of it.

I do not understand my ED. It sort of started as a way to hurt myself, because I'm into that. Then, when I was in the hospital, it turned into a control issue, and then it turned into a genuine desire to lose weight. But I think the other two things (hurting myself and control) are still there.

My therapist thinks I'm lumping my anxiety with my eating habits, that I'm doing this so that I don't have to think about anything else. And you know what? I don't know if she's right or not.

If I got ONE thing out of the OP program I was in, it's that I do not for the life of me understand my emotions. I can't talk about them! And I think that's key to "getting better" (which as of today? I don't want to do. I only want to get better for my girlfriend's sake, because I don't want to hurt her...)

So....I'm just really worried that I'm going to be a miserable GF until I get the help that I need, and who KNOWS when that'll be... :(

Fuck.

So, the ED clinic doesn't take my current insurance, and I have to switch to another version of it, which involves them mailing me a form (7-10 business days), me sending it back, and then they have to approve the change. So, I'm not going to get any help for probably 3 weeks or so, and in 3 weeks or so, am I even going to WANT help? Or is that little voice inside my head that says "Dude, you need help!" going to be completely shut up???

The director of the program said "It sounds like you have a serious eating disorder"--bullshit. I do not. I have a very, very mild ED.

That said, I'm going to try to get back down to 600 cal/day. I've been eating too much, and I do not like the b/p cycle.

I'm going to eat as little as possible in these 3 weeks--see how much weight I can lose...

Crap!

Crap crap crap CRAP!

I'm finishing up the OP program tomorrow, but last night I had this revelation that the work just wasn't DONE yet, so I called my clinician and left a message about going to the evening IOP program...turns out my insurance won't cover it. BUT she gave me a bunch of other options...and they're ALL for EDs!!!!!!! WAH!!!!

And I'm so desperate for HELP that I'm almost willing to go, even though a) I don't think that I even HAVE an ED and b) I DON'T want to fix things in the eating department yet (20 more pounds, remember??)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!

*SIGH*

(Posting from my phone, as there's no guarantee of internet tonight...)

I had a chat with my clinician today. I told her I was doing a-ok, and she asked me about my concentration. I told her honestly that it's been shot lately, I've lost my motivation and my concentration. She said "Do you think that's maybe because you're a little bit depressed??" all sarcastically.

THEN, she asked me if I was still engaging in Behaviors (aka cutting, restricting, etc) I was pretty honest. She launched into me about the ED, how I'm the only one who can get myself out of it, it's like locking yourself in a cage and you're the only one with the keys, etc. This is damaging to you, yaddah yaddah. Weight is just a number, BMI is bullshit, you need to accept the facts. Weighing as much as you did when you were 13 is no good, you were a different person then. Etc. (It went on for a long time)

I'm so frustrated!I explained that I can't eat, she said that's because I'm a concrete thinker. But I CAN'T eat normally! Truly! I never, ever learned how, and quite frankly, restricting is MUCH better than what I WAS doing.

I...I just don't know what to do with all of this. My ED? Not that bad. But everyone's making a HUGE deal out of it.

I fucking hate food.

I can't handle all of this. It's my nature to try to please everyone, and in this matter, I just can't.

I think I'm going to try jogging once I get home--get me out of the triggering house, burn some calories, burn off some frustration...

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now...

(I MEANT to go to Starbucks and get a short coffee, but the space there was limited aka NOT AVAILABLE, so I went to Chipotle's--next door for the WiFi--instead. ::SIGH:: Fat forever...)

So, I met someone with a REAL ED in the program today. I heard her talk about how it ruined her life...and I still don't want to get better. I want to get worse. I want to be stick thin, and still feel like it's not enough. Someone told me today that my face looked "healthy"--I could've killed her a little bit. "Fat" is not "healthy" and no one--eating disordered or otherwise--wants to hear that they look "healthy." It's insulting--either it means you're gaining weight (for the ED crowd) or it means you're...well...I can't think of what it means for the other crowd, but it's NOT a compliment.

I think I'm going to start lowering my calories. I don't have the fortitude for the Skinny Girl Diet, or the ABC diet, but I CAN try to cut back by 100 every day. I've been keeping it around 1000/day, so I think tomorrow, I'll aim for 900, etc. I can't stay at this weight, and it's really frustrating me that I can't lose any more! I wish I knew how to! Also, I'm going to start running three times a week, whether I want to or not. A person's got to have discipline! (ah, resolutions...)

Anyway, I should get back to doing homework. And by "get back to" I mean "start"...

so yeah, some thoughts

Today, I met with my new psych/prescriber person.  She noted the ED stuff on my sheet, and said that we don't have to talk about it yet, but it's something that she WILL help me through. I...don't know how I feel about that. I feel...oddly comforted, knowing someone's out there who cares about it, but at the same time, I don't WANT to work through this until I'm bloody well THIN.

I haven't been good today. I feel like I should be done with the "good" evaluation aspect of it all, and just rejoice in it when it happens. But if I don't note when I'm good, how am I ever going to positively reinforce that behaviour?

Also, I'm hungry. I want to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat. But I won't.  My favorite pair of jeans has worn through at the thigh, a tribute to how FAT I am, and that should be motivation enough...

So yeah. Those are my thoughts for the moment.