From One City to Another

I went from one city to another for Easter. Let me tell you, it is nice to escape (even if the weather here is crappier than at home.)

Ever since I went to the hospital the second time, my family's been edgy, worried, and suspicious--I feel like I can't live my life, you know? So it's nice to get away from the worried family to spend time with the less-worried family.

The family at home is starting to catch on to my wayward eating habits, too. I try to avoid being home at meal times as much as possible, but even then, they notice that you're getting skinnier (and never with joy! Always the tone of concern!! What's up with that??? I mean, come ON! I was practically OBESE before, and now I'm within a healthy range. Chill out, dudes!)

Which makes me wonder if I should buy new clothes that fit--is it worth it? I mean, am I going to just gain all the weight I just lost back?? (I hope I never, ever, ever, EVER weigh as much as I did again!) But the fact is, most my my clothes just don't fit right any more...time to replace them? Who knows.

OK, and now I really SHOULD go do some homework and stop obsessing over food and weight. Happy holidays to all!

Crap!

Crap crap crap CRAP!

I'm finishing up the OP program tomorrow, but last night I had this revelation that the work just wasn't DONE yet, so I called my clinician and left a message about going to the evening IOP program...turns out my insurance won't cover it. BUT she gave me a bunch of other options...and they're ALL for EDs!!!!!!! WAH!!!!

And I'm so desperate for HELP that I'm almost willing to go, even though a) I don't think that I even HAVE an ED and b) I DON'T want to fix things in the eating department yet (20 more pounds, remember??)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!

Fat & Happy vs Thin & Crazy

I realized today that I'd much rather be thin and crazy than fat and happy--how can you even be happy if you're fat?  I don't see how that's possible for me.

Why is this? I was talking to a friend, and she told me that I have to choose between being thin and being well.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd rather be thin.

This program is killing me--they TRULY do not want me to restrict while I'm there, but I CANNOT give up the two weeks' hard work that I put in just because they want me to :(  And I'm too honest to lie.  I hate this! I hope they don't section me because of it, but you can't ask a person to give up years worth of bad habits overnight, you know?

I really need some help here. I want to keep restricting so badly (though a part of me realizes that I can't keep it up, and is very scared.)  I think what I need is just a frame of reference shift--I'm not *restricting,* this is merely the way that I eat. One "meal" a day...

This is the lowest I've weighed in my adult life, and there is no way in HELL that I will give that up!

Weakness

I have no will power outside of the hospital, where food only came three times a day, and then was gone.  I can't CONTROL myself! Not to mention this program and it's damn safety contract.  I'm going NUTS.  I'm going to gain all the weight I lost right back, when what I NEED to be doing is losing more weight.

In a moment of weakness, I ate two sandwiches, and puked them both right back up last night.  I ate TOO MUCH yesterday.   I wish I could just bloody well CONTROL myself! HELP!

I'm back

Sorry I was away for so long--things in my head got out of control, and I was inpatient in a psych ward for the past week and a half.  They just let me out yesterday.  But you wanna know the funny thing?  They didn't give a shit about my E.D.  I swear, the only things I ate for the past week and a half were the things my family brought me, pretty much.  I lost almost 10 lbs, and I'm SO afraid that I'm going to gain it back.  Now I'm in an outpatient program, and they made me sign a document saying that I'd refrain from self-injurous behaviour, such as cutting, RESTRICTING FOOD, AND B/Ping. I am SO OUT OF MY DEPTH.  HOW CAN I STOP THIS??  I FINALLY lost weight, I've been DYING to lose weight for over a year now, and I'm FINALLY on track, and they're going to try and make me stop? I don't think so.  This is not over....