Bad Night

I kept waking up to B/P last night...like...5 times total. This is a new record for me, and I do not think it's one that I like.

I don't know where I stand on this "recovery" issue. I don't want to give up my habits, but I need to in order to live a full life...but I can't care enough right now. Alas...

M.I.A.

Out of shame, mostly. I've been eating like a pig (and puking!! I can do it again!!! Though it frightens me that I'm doing that...)

So, Wednesday, it occurred to me after dinner that I'd been mostly following my meal plan since the Friday before--a combination of the partial program and laziness (it's easier just to give in sometimes...) I didn't know how I felt about that, but then I got this overwhelming urge to do bad things to myself. I cut seriously for the first time in MONTHS. My fear is that with the eating disorder behaviors in check (kind of), the cutting is going to come back with a vengeance. I'm not OK with that--the ED at least FELT safe, you know? The cutting? It's gotta go.

So I tried NOT to follow my meal plan this weekend, and wound up BINGEING, BINGEING, BINGEING...and now that I'm eating so much, I CAN'T afford those calories...

I'm so FRUSTRATED. I'm stuck in this limbo place of kind of eating, REALLY eating, and restricting all at once, and it's very FRUSTRATING.

This shit's hard, dudes. Hard.

In other news, I decided that every successful endeavor I've ever launched has had a playlist, so this one needs one, too. It's my ED/Recovery play list, and I'm really excited to have it. It was a lot of fun putting it together! (I hope I succeed at SOMETHING, whether it's restricting or recovering. It's just so tough to be in this middle place of NOTHINGNESS. GAH!)

I hope you're all well out there in reader-dom.

Well, shit...

Went on a pretty sizable binge. Couldn't purge. Now I'm freaking out, and there's no one who could understand out there...

Skinny

I want to be skinny. Skinny is something I will never be.

I will go through this course of 'recovery,' and then I will go back to the most efficient means of becoming skinny I can find, whatever that means may be. I can't live like this, though, with the bulimia ruling my life--you don't get thin from puking...

Resolved

I am done with food. I will not eat, except what I need to get by. I realized this this afternoon, with my head over the toilet (again.) I can't take this any more. I'm not losing weight any more. I'm trying to please too many people. I can please myself, at least, in this regard. Done. With. Food.

I can't TAKE it any more!

Problems

I already e-mailed someone about this, but it's driving me CRAZY!
I'd forgotten that once I start eating, I literally cannot stop. Can. Not. Stop. It's embarrassing! And fattening!

Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight from this...yet...but it's only a matter of time, you know? I've *GOT* to cut this off, and I just feel so helpless against it.

And so, I HAVE to eat this egregiously large dinner three days a week at this program, right? And THAT pisses me off, too--not just because of the portions, but because of the timing. My ritual is to go home, check the mail, and eat (and then maybe--MAYBE--puke.) This means that with this forced meal, I am now eating TWICE in one evening, and I do not have the power to fight it. I'm weak.

And on TOP of that, my daytime restriction has gone out the window. Literally. Gone. Buh bye! So I'm over eating. All. Day. Long. I need HELP to stop this viscious, ugly cycle of fatness. Please?? Help me??

And THEN, someone eked the secret that I'm in an ED program out of me. I am royally pissed off and annoyed about that. Now, said person thinks that I'm taking care of myself, when CLEARLY I'm not, and may never actually do so beyond surface concerns. It makes me want to cry, the whole situation. :(

I just need input. Advice. Guidance and help. I want to get back on the path to Thin. Not this overindulgant, puke-filled path that I'm on now. I want to starve myself again, and I want to be good at it, for once...

Ultimate Fatty

Almost my worst fears were realized over Easter--I say "almost" because only time will tell if I've completely lost all ability to restrict...

I ate way, way, WAY too much food, and drank too many calories, and want to keep going, even though I feel like a fatty, stuffed sausage, full individual who's probably gained TEN POUNDS--wahhhhh!

I'm SO freaked out! Someone help me to get back on track! Where has my motivation gone??

It seems to me that I have two options for getting back on track. I can choose an arbitrary calorie limit for the day/week, and go for that, or I could choose an arbitrary calorie limit and go for a liquid diet for a few days (problem: not very satisfactory...but then...that's the idea, right??)

I dunno. I need advice!

Easter

I'm really worried about Easter weekend, and the few days thereafter. See, Easter is a "food holiday" for us--we're Orthodox Christians, which means that we basically spend Lent not eating: meat, dairy, eggs, and fish (or wine or alcohol in general.) Now, *I* didn't adhere to that, but my family did, and there is going to be so. Much. Food. I don't even know what to do. And it's not just going to be food, no--it's going to be *delicious* food, like tsoureki, and sirnaya pascha, and everything delicious you can think of.

Now, normally I would just be plain old worried, but with my massive EATING streak of late, I'm extra SUPER worried. And I won't even be able to puke because I'll be at someone else's house. :/

I don't know what to DO! (And people wonder why I'm so obsessed with food--it's all my religion's fault, haha...)

I'm going to gain so much weight, unless I figure out a way to keep the eating problem in check. Help?

In other news, my grandmother said that I'm getting awfully skinny today (I'm not--I'm ballooning up! Rapidly!) and she asked if I was eating meals, like wth protein and vegetables. I think she was concerned...

It won't stop

I've been...eating. Like mad. And it won't stop.

I'm going to gain, I'm going to gain, I'm going to gain, I'm going to GAIN!

This is not good. How do I stop this nasty cycle? I guess I just have to relearn how to say "no" to myself...and not stock up on tasty foods. Or any food at all, really...

Guilt

Do you ever feel guilty about your eating habits?

I know I feel guilty all the time. When I purge, I think of the food I just wasted, and all the people out there who don't have any. When I eat around friends, I feel guilty because I feel like they're not eating as much as they want to because of how little *I* took. And when I restrict, again I feel guilty because I *have* food when a lot of other people out there don't.

*sigh* There's a lot of guilt, and I still haven't changed...and I feel like it's in my power TO change. I just...I can't. And I also feel like if I start eating again without purging, I'm just going to get fatter because I never learned portion control. What a waste...

I can't sleep.

It's 3:30 am, and I couldn't sleep. First off (and this is tmi) I think I have a yeast infection, so I went and researched that (jury's still out.) THEN, I went down to the kitchen. There's my first problem. There I proceeded to eat: a bite of soup, 2 strawberries, some blackberries, some broccoli, and two bowls of FiberOne. (How miserable!) Thank the Lord there is pretty much only healthy stuff in the house right now...

Now, I'm debating if I purge. *sigh* I wish I juts wouldn't eat--then I'd never have to deal with this again...

Miracle Drink

So, someone from the ana/mia chronicles suggested a whey drink for post-running to avoid the food craze, so I bought some yesterday (ED shopping list: Carnation Instant Breakfast-150 calories w/ skim milk, whey protein drink--220 calories w/ skim milk, low-cal gatorade to keep the electrolytes up-45 cal/bottle, gum->5 cal/piece, skim milk-90 cal/serving...)

It was like a slow-setting-in MIRACLE. I drank 1 scoop with about 6 oz of skim milk when I got hungry (and let me tell you, it was DISGUSTING, but I slogged it down), and then I *started* to binge--browsing the kitchen for foods (starting with the smart ones--vegetables, because vegetables "don't count")...and in the middle of it? I couldn't eat any more. I kept my calories to less than 700 yesterday (or at LEAST less than 800--I lost a little track somewhere in there.) I think that's a GREAT start to my three week diet. Now, I just have to keep it up.

Now, I have to make some decisions. I haven't been counting the calories in my morning/afternoon coffee. Now, since I'm pretty much poverty stricken right now and can't afford cream for my homemade coffee, it hasn't been too much of a problem, but when I go out to study at Starbucks or Peet's or wherever, it IS a problem. It bothers me that I don't know how many calories I'm consuming there. So I think that starting tomorrow, it does count. Gotta keep track of these things.

Goal for the day/week/month? Less than 600 cal (which might be a problem because I was up to 250 by 9 am....)

Alone in the misery...

Day starts out pretty well--not the best, because your gf gives you two cookies for breakfast instead of your usual breakfast drink, but you're strong. You can get over it.

You go strong, straight through lunchtime, determined to be good today, to be strong, to power through cravings and "needs"...but then you get shaky, uncertain, and you have to go to work and you can't go to work like that...so what to eat?

Well, there's that Dunkin Donuts right around the corner, and you've been craving a sandwich from them for a while...break down, eat it, feel fat, but know that it's only 460 calories and you still have room in today's allowance. Come up with a plan for the rest of the day (ramen for "dinner," yogurt and maybe a banana with your meds)

Get home, and all hell breaks loose. Make dinner for everyone. Break down and decide to eat some, only a little--MISTAKE! Now you've got the taste on your lips.

Eat some more. Eat that banana you've been wanting to try and break the craving for more food. Wrong. Keep going. Vegetables! Vegetables don't count! Eat those. Eatthe tiny pie in the fridge. Eat a roll. Eat some cereal. And then it's a free-for-all on the Cheetos.

Woah. What to do? GOTTA PUKE!!!

Chug some water. Go up to the bathroom, put the seat up...only water comes up. Orange water. Keep trying. Get some Cheeto up, but not enough. KEEP TRYING. Getting more and more desperate, but nothing will come up. Well, that's it. Now you've not only failed at not eating, you've also failed at PURGING. FAILURE.

At the end of the day, all you have is yourself, and the misery you wreaked upon yourself. Fat, miserable, alone. Failure.

um...

I just ate about 1200 calories worth of beef lo mein, and I can't purge because I'm at my girlfriend's house. I'm a little beyond freaked out. That's more than I'm allowed to eat!!! I should have checked before I bought it! Wah!!

Only I can make the changes necessary to live this way. Today's resolution? To eat mindfully, paying attention to what I eat, and chewing each bite at least 20 times before swallowing. Eating is not something that you can avoid, unfortunately, but you can a) minimize how much you're eating and b) make it as pleasant and civilized as possible...

*sigh*

Weakness

I have no will power outside of the hospital, where food only came three times a day, and then was gone.  I can't CONTROL myself! Not to mention this program and it's damn safety contract.  I'm going NUTS.  I'm going to gain all the weight I lost right back, when what I NEED to be doing is losing more weight.

In a moment of weakness, I ate two sandwiches, and puked them both right back up last night.  I ate TOO MUCH yesterday.   I wish I could just bloody well CONTROL myself! HELP!

I'm back

Sorry I was away for so long--things in my head got out of control, and I was inpatient in a psych ward for the past week and a half.  They just let me out yesterday.  But you wanna know the funny thing?  They didn't give a shit about my E.D.  I swear, the only things I ate for the past week and a half were the things my family brought me, pretty much.  I lost almost 10 lbs, and I'm SO afraid that I'm going to gain it back.  Now I'm in an outpatient program, and they made me sign a document saying that I'd refrain from self-injurous behaviour, such as cutting, RESTRICTING FOOD, AND B/Ping. I am SO OUT OF MY DEPTH.  HOW CAN I STOP THIS??  I FINALLY lost weight, I've been DYING to lose weight for over a year now, and I'm FINALLY on track, and they're going to try and make me stop? I don't think so.  This is not over....

Good Day

(Yes, I'm back to "good days" and "bad days")
After my failed resolution (I failed pretty quickly, huh?) to start a liquid diet--I ate a TON that day and then puked it all back up--I was really, really good yesterday. I had about 5 bites of the risotto that my boss bought for lunch...and that was it. All day.

I figure cigarettes are cheaper than food, right?

I'm a little worried about today, though--I already ate the rest of the risotto, which I was supposed to save for lunch, and I'm actually going *home* tonight, where the temptation to eat is VAST and ABUNDANT.

But yesterday, it was like I turned over a new leaf.  I'm going to lose at least 15 lbs--this is my current goal--and I will do it any way possible. I am determined.

wah wah wah

I ate too much. For like, the third day in a row. And I want to go puke, but I don't want to puke up my meds and my coffee. Wah wah wah. Poor baby.

I wish I could just STOP EATING already--what are some things you guys do when you feel lie your eating is out of control? (IF you ever feel that way, that is...)

Crap!

Yesterday, I binged on like...everything in sight. And just as I was going to purge? My grandmother comes home, and I can't. I'm going to weigh a million and a HALF pounds pretty soon, instead of just a million....

Today, I'm going to try to be good. Didn't bring any food with me, and I'm at work, so we'll see how that goes (should have brought a diet coke, though!)

This morning, I was standing at the bus stop, when this wave of nausea/feintness washes over me--I hope this doesn't mean that I'm getting ill...

Dear Lord, I'm a MONSTER!

In a moment of delirious "stick it to you, eating problems!" I went to...McDonald's and ordered the grossest thing I could and ATE it, and now I feel sick and I can't purge because I'm in public an hour away from home and I've RUINED my calorie intake for the day and I'm a pathetic failure fat whore of a girl.

GAH!! What is WRONG with me?????