I'm moving

To alittlemorethanlost@tumblr.com

There's more out there in the whole wide (w)intarwebz!

Parting gift? This lil bit of wisdom. It's always truer than you think...

Weight gain

I'm truly frustrated. I talked with my prescriber yesterday about the possibility of it being related to my relatively new/any of my meds. We now have a battle plan, for which I am grateful—it's a relief. She says that if the gain is related to meds, she's seen fast results in losing it again after the meds are stopped. But the Plan isn't as fast as I'd like. I'm trying to avoid restricting—I'm almost (*almost*) convinced that it's shot my metabolism—but Evil Brain is displeased with said avoidance. She wants to prescribe me something for sleep that also decreases appetite (not posting here lest people use it for evil...), and it took ALL of Healthy Brain to tell her that it might not be a good idea *right now* cuz my brain's in such a dangerous place. Regretting that now...

Dear sweet God in heaven, let this be related to the meds, and let me lose at least 20lbs when I stop them...

*sigh* I'm back. I guess.

Sorry for the completely I formatted text. Writing from my phone. I'm back. I had the singularly traumatizing experience yesterday of trying on almost all (LITERALLY—almost ALL!!) of my cute/professional/cooler weather clothes...and NOTHING FIT. NOTHING. I almost had to go to a job interview naked and cold. I'm the heaviest I've been since maybe 2009, to the point where even my PRE-ed clothes don't fit, and I'm frustrated and angry. The life of an ED individual is not pleasant. Just going back to the Ana/Mia blog and fucking *skimming* reminded me of that, never mind years of personal misery in & out of treatment and (psych) hospitals. I cease functioning when I cease eating. I get suicidal. Depressed. All 'round craaaaaazytown. (Legit) And it's scary. But I can't live like this. I can't. I need to go back down in weight, and literally the ONLY effective method I've ever used is this damnable ED. (I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be back on blogs. I should be encouraging following my meal plan and doing what I need to do to get better. I shouldn't be encouraging Evil Brain and the damned ED. Even just READING this shit is sending me right back to when I was 23, the same shiver in my body and vibrations in my head. This is bad. This is very, very bad...) I can't. You can't win when you have an ED.

Issues

I'm so beyond conflicted right now. Life can really suck sometimes. My case manager at the ED program I'm in has told me that focusing on my weight is easier than focusing on the other shit going on, but really? What else is going on that's that bad? Nothing. So why, oh why, do I feel this overwhelming urge to go back to starving myself? Maybe I'll try it for a few days, and see how it goes...

I'm baaaaaack!

Though I'm not sure how "back" I am. I've been really ambivalent lately...

So, for the past 6 months or so, I've been in treatment, and it was going really well until I moved into the evening program, which super sucks. Now, I'm toying with relapse. The only things that are keeping me from it are a) my *wonderful* new nutritionist and b) the amount of energy that my new job requires--I could not manage there if I stopped eating again, and there's no time for purging (plus? It would be SUPER unsanitary there...)

So I'm not sure what to do about it. I want to be thin again (I've gained 18 lbs, mostly by NOT following my meal plan, but I also feel like some of it is because of said meal plan. I don't know...) BUT I can't be half-assed about this if I want it to work, you know?

Argh! I don't know. It's just SO frustrating. I feel like all the good work I put into losing this whole ED thing has been thrown out the window, and I'm not sure of why. I also feel lke once you've got ED symptoms, it's nigh on impossible to rid yourself of them. It requires CONSTANT and concerted effort to keep the forces of evil at bay, and that's just something I haven't got right now.

But I don't want to turn into a serial treatment patient, you know? Someone who bounces in and out of treatment forever...

Help me decide!!

Irene

Irene is coming our way, and it's affecting my eating disorder, haha. I'm wondering if I have enough food in the house, twice over--one: because if I run out, I won't have to eat and two: because if I run out, I CAN'T eat. I'm struggling between whether I should follow my meal plan this weekend or not, and it's a tough choice. I WANT to be in the midst of my eating disorder, so badly (WHY can't I SHAKE it????) but at the same time, I have to realize that I'm in the midst of recovery, and I should be acting that way, not the other way around. Should I go grocery shopping? I *think* that I have enough food, assuming I don't go on a wild binge streak like last night. It's worrisome.

In other news, apparently I need to be eating full breakfasts, or making up the exchanges somewhere else in the day, so says my nutritionist (and I've come to the realization that ALL nutritionists are scary, scary people in their own ways...) So...guess I have to start getting up earlier in order to make myself the damned breakfasts--no more getting away with just a Luna Bar and coffee...Alas!

Bad Night

I kept waking up to B/P last night...like...5 times total. This is a new record for me, and I do not think it's one that I like.

I don't know where I stand on this "recovery" issue. I don't want to give up my habits, but I need to in order to live a full life...but I can't care enough right now. Alas...

Weird

I don't feel as many urges to use behaviors as I used to (I'm so used to censoring my statements now, haha--I call them all "behaviors" instead of what they are--binging, purging, restricting, and cutting...also, apparently, body checking/comparisons, and overeating.)

I don't know where I stand right now--my eating disorder is still trying to take over my life, but it's not as strong as it used to be. I worked REALLY hard to learn not to eat, and I'm working REALLY HARD to learn to eat normally, for once in my life. It's REALLY HARD. And I feel really weird about the whole thing (Do I even still need to be in treatment right now???)

A lot of emotions are surfacing, which used to just be buried deep inside. It's awfully uncomfortable to deal with, and tack on a mood disorder on top of that? Yeah...

I always wonder, when we have a Recovery Speaker come in, how my recovery story will eventually go: I was really crazy for a long time, then there was a family meeting, and I had an epiphany, but it wasn't a "hallelujah/angels' chorus" moment--it was a slow, arduous process...and eventually the ED was only a tiny voice in the back of my head, never rearing its ugly head again.

Maybe something like that...

...And I'm OUT...again

My insurance company is the dumbest insurance company ever--I wasn't even in residential a full week this time 'round before they decided to kick me out because I wasn't engaging in Behaviors (which I COULDN'T engage in within those walls) and because I wasn't actively suicidal (which is something I was thanking the LORD for...)

So now it's the weekend, and I'm free as a bird, without any support. Great.

I'm greatly ambivalent about this whole "recovery" thing--on the one hand, I recognize its necessity in moving forward with life. On the other, I feel this great need to keep a death grip on my problems. I feel defined by them...but what is a life that is defined by Problems? I'm reaching a stage in my life where I HAVE to be able to move beyond them, where they're beginning to interfere with the things I want to do. I'm not in the bubble of college any more. I HAVE to be able to function within the confines of the "real world" and that's not going to happen if I'm b/ping all. the time. or cutting every other night/week, you know?

I need to find a way to integrate these things into my PAST, to appreciate them for what they WERE, and not for what they ARE to me any more.

I'm also in a lot of trouble when it comes to meds. I've been off my mood stabilizer since two Saturdays ago, and I felt really good about it because I HATED it--it was making me shaky and making my hair fall out, and flatlining me like none other. AND it wasn't helping with the lows, so since no one in the program was doing anything about it, *I* decided to take it into my own hands and do something about it. So I stopped the drug.

But now, they really want me to take a new one, that's really going to require a commitment to take it. I am NOT a "commitment" person. Not in the least. I periodically decide that I'm fine, and don't need my meds any more, so I stop taking them, but if I do this with THIS drug, it basically counts it out for me (you can get a life-threatening rash on this drug, and the likelihood of that increases the more you start/stop it...) so if it WORKS, I'll be screwing myself out of something that could really, really help...

I just don't know what to do. My life is a mess right now, and I can't clean it up (much like my bedroom, which is currently a DISASTER zone, and part of why I'm sitting at Starbucks on my second venti iced coffee instead of heading home to face the music, haha) I'm so frustrated. And lonely. At least when I was in residential, there were always PEOPLE around. Now, I feel so alone....

I have more to say, but I'll probably say it later.

I'm fighting the urge to restrict today. I know that if I do that, the likelihood of gaining weight increases (and I still DESPERATELY want to lose weight...) because I'd be shutting down my metabolism, and because I'd be more likely to b/p, which is never 100% efficient...(I'm beginning to think about diet pills...) but the temptation is so great! (Also, I'm already doing it, not having had breakfast, morning snack, OR lunch at this point--just a conglomeration of some soup and chips, which have NOTHING to do with my current meal plan....they were just there, and I was hungry. I've been REALLY, REALLY hungry lately, and that disturbs me. I can't figure it out. It might just be the emotional need to eat, but it feels physical, and I can't tell any more. I just know that I WANT TO EAT. ALL. THE. TIME. ...except when I don't. I was doing so well in the program, and now that I'm on my own, I'm doing terribly. I need help still. In a major way....)

Anyway, that's all for now. Good luck, dearest readers, in your pursuits.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone...

I realize that I wouldn't wish an ED on anyone. It's just one of the most awful things around, and recovery from it is a bitch, if you even ever get around to TRYING to recover.

I think I will always have my ED. Even after I get out of residential and partial and IOP, it will always be there--a sinister friend, lurking, waiting for the right time to shine.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hope you all find ways out of this bitch of a cycle. I hope you all learn to garner yourselves some self-acceptance and maybe even self-love (I know, it's impossible and far off...) I hope you all get out of this vicious son of a bitch cycle of behaviors. I do....

I'll be back with more, but it's difficult to post/respond when you're physically IN treatment. ::sigh::

I do hope all's well with you all. I miss you, dear readers...

Torture

I don't want to get better, but I do want to live a peaceful life.

Even if I do get better, my life will not be peaceful, because I'll always be battling my demons.

Some people weren't built for peace...

New Discoveries

I am a rather contrary, stubborn individual, and these are not necessarily positive qualities to possess.

Bored. Frustrated. Angry. These are how I'm feeling.

Also full, fat, gross, and out of shape.

I will get over it (when I get out of here)

Also, I may never eat another piece of fruit again in my life once I'm free of this motherfucking place....

Residential

So, I'm here. It's taking some adjusting.

I'm in such a battle right now with myself, between wanting to get better, and wanting to feel better the only way I know how. This is going to be hard....

M.I.A.

Out of shame, mostly. I've been eating like a pig (and puking!! I can do it again!!! Though it frightens me that I'm doing that...)

So, Wednesday, it occurred to me after dinner that I'd been mostly following my meal plan since the Friday before--a combination of the partial program and laziness (it's easier just to give in sometimes...) I didn't know how I felt about that, but then I got this overwhelming urge to do bad things to myself. I cut seriously for the first time in MONTHS. My fear is that with the eating disorder behaviors in check (kind of), the cutting is going to come back with a vengeance. I'm not OK with that--the ED at least FELT safe, you know? The cutting? It's gotta go.

So I tried NOT to follow my meal plan this weekend, and wound up BINGEING, BINGEING, BINGEING...and now that I'm eating so much, I CAN'T afford those calories...

I'm so FRUSTRATED. I'm stuck in this limbo place of kind of eating, REALLY eating, and restricting all at once, and it's very FRUSTRATING.

This shit's hard, dudes. Hard.

In other news, I decided that every successful endeavor I've ever launched has had a playlist, so this one needs one, too. It's my ED/Recovery play list, and I'm really excited to have it. It was a lot of fun putting it together! (I hope I succeed at SOMETHING, whether it's restricting or recovering. It's just so tough to be in this middle place of NOTHINGNESS. GAH!)

I hope you're all well out there in reader-dom.

Meal Plan

Soooo, I've been sticking to my meal plan (mostly) for the past four days or so. After the initial shock...it got a little better, and now I can do it. It still freaks me out--lunch time is a sad affair--but I can manage it.

Problem: once I start eating, I can't stop. And now, since I'm basically not restricting, I can't afford all those extra bingey calories. :(

I don't know how I feel about all this. I miss being hungry. Hell, I GET hungry on this meal plan, but now instead of pushing through it, I feel like I HAVE to eat (that disturbs me...) I don't know. I just don't know any more. What am I doing??

Fat Day

Today is one of 'em. No matter what, all I can see is my *fat*--It's EVERYWHERE! And there's no place to freak out, because no one else gets it, so you guys get the brunt of it (sorry!)

I cried after lunch today. It's just SUCH a traumatizing experience, and I can't even explain why! There's just so much FOOD! Snacks, I can handle, but meals? No es bueno. And I can't eat it all, so I have to deal with everyone staring, and THEN I have to deal with that damn Ensure (I'm SO SICK of them, and it's only my third day of drinking them!) All the calories! All that FOOD, just sitting in my belly! And all the food I wasted...*sigh* The guilt is endless, and I can't deal with it.

And I'm fat. Fat, fat, fat, FAT....

Irony

A bulimic who can't puke. Yup. That's right. I can't do it anymore. For now, anyway. I'm gonna try and give my throat a rest and see if that gag reflex comes back. In the meanwhile, it's pure restriction...

I started the partial hospitalization program (PHP) yesterday--it was AWFUL. Every 5 seconds, it feels like, they're making you shove food down your face. I cried a lot--at my former case manager, at my friend, by myself...I was SO FULL *all day long* yesterday, it was DISGUSTING. And last night, I completely freaked out. Completely. I used almost every negative coping skill I could think of, because I was so freaked out.

I feel so *trapped* right now--do this program and keep my relationships but lose my comforting negative coping skills, or DON'T do the program and face THOSE consequences...it'd almost be easier to die, I think sometimes...but I'm not suicidal right now. Just...worn out. Overwhelmed. Freaking the hell out. This shit is SCARY, and I DO NOT like it.

But, now that I've done one day of the program and managed to NOT stuff my face at night, I think I can come up with some sort of livable situation until my head screws itself on the right way and I realize that I need to eat to live, etc. So I'm a little calmer today. And I don't have to go in tomorrow because I have Appointments all day long, so no more dealing with this shit until Friday, and then there's the weekend (oh, the weekend...)

In other news, I'm going to try to donate blood today for the first time in *years*--I'm always so afraid that they're going to reject me, this time because of all the meds I'm on. But we shall see. Maybe they'll take me, and maybe I won't faint when they're done? :). I just feel like I *should* donate blood as often as I can. It's the right thing to do, you know?

I hope you all are well. Be strong, on whatever courses you may be taking at the moment, and don't let the world get you down. Life's too short for that shit.

*sigh*

I've decided to go into the partial hospitalization program at the treatment center I'm currently at. :(

I was purging the other night, when all of a sudden, it felt comfortable--I wanted to just keep going: that scared me. I don't mind it when not eating feels that way, but purging?? THAT scares the shit out of me.

I'm NOT 100% committed to getting better, though (whatever 'better' means...) I...don't know how this is going to go.

I'm scared. Scared of a lot of things (will I be able to get by financially for 3-6 weeks? AM I GOING TO GET FAT??? Will I lose my girlfriend if this doesn't work out? Etc etc etc--SO many fears...) It's stressing me out.

My case manager told me that she's proud of me. I can't deal with that. DON'T be proud of me for making an unavoidable decision. Besides, I might change my mind in 2 weeks' time when my jobs are done and I have the time to go and do this thing...

I'm NOT happy with this decision, and I'm more scared than I was before I got any treatment at all--what am I DOING???

Comforting thought: I can always go back, and not tell anyone this time 'round. I guess...

Hope you're all well.

Recovery

What do you think it is? I can't figure it out.

I have a friend who says that she considers her ED to be like her asthma: it'll always be there, but it'll only act up sometimes. My treatment team said that your attitude will define that, but honestly? I think it WILL always be there, just waiting for hte right combination of circumstances to reactivate it, even if I ever figure out a way for this thing to go into 'remission' so to speak.

So I want to know what YOU think recovery is, if YOU think recovery is even a possibility. How are you supposed to recover, when you don't even know what you're aiming for, you know?

The 'Good News/Bad News' Game

Good news: my loan went through, so I'm officially (finally) graduating! ...once I pay off the $51 late fee. Yeah...

Bad news: I'm officially getting FAT. Scale hovering between 143-145instead of its old 140-143. Thighs egregiously large. Fat growing on arms. Belly growing. Disgusting. FAT. Time to break it down, cut out the junk food in my life (maybe all fats, too) and STOP. BINGEING.

Good news: I'm in lurve (I can't even say the word, I've been avoiding scaring her off so much, haha) and she's right there with me!

Bad news: I'm too exhausted to enjoy the good things in my life. And I'm fat.

Good news: I have a lot of support in my life.

Bad news: I don't know how to use it/listen to it.

Good news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind.

Bad news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind...

This game could go on and on....let me speak to the last piece. I am not well yet. I am also not as sick as I was. Part of me wants to get better. Part of me does not. This program, if I leave it now, will leave me this half-transmogrified mass of MESSY that can neither cope with the world, nor with food, but must deal in both. That's a scary prospect. I want to either be most of the way healed when I leave this motherfucking program, or completely ill--not this messy, ugly halfway place that I'm in now. I'm too vulnerable right now...