M.I.A.

Out of shame, mostly. I've been eating like a pig (and puking!! I can do it again!!! Though it frightens me that I'm doing that...)

So, Wednesday, it occurred to me after dinner that I'd been mostly following my meal plan since the Friday before--a combination of the partial program and laziness (it's easier just to give in sometimes...) I didn't know how I felt about that, but then I got this overwhelming urge to do bad things to myself. I cut seriously for the first time in MONTHS. My fear is that with the eating disorder behaviors in check (kind of), the cutting is going to come back with a vengeance. I'm not OK with that--the ED at least FELT safe, you know? The cutting? It's gotta go.

So I tried NOT to follow my meal plan this weekend, and wound up BINGEING, BINGEING, BINGEING...and now that I'm eating so much, I CAN'T afford those calories...

I'm so FRUSTRATED. I'm stuck in this limbo place of kind of eating, REALLY eating, and restricting all at once, and it's very FRUSTRATING.

This shit's hard, dudes. Hard.

In other news, I decided that every successful endeavor I've ever launched has had a playlist, so this one needs one, too. It's my ED/Recovery play list, and I'm really excited to have it. It was a lot of fun putting it together! (I hope I succeed at SOMETHING, whether it's restricting or recovering. It's just so tough to be in this middle place of NOTHINGNESS. GAH!)

I hope you're all well out there in reader-dom.

Well, shit...

Went on a pretty sizable binge. Couldn't purge. Now I'm freaking out, and there's no one who could understand out there...

Irony

A bulimic who can't puke. Yup. That's right. I can't do it anymore. For now, anyway. I'm gonna try and give my throat a rest and see if that gag reflex comes back. In the meanwhile, it's pure restriction...

I started the partial hospitalization program (PHP) yesterday--it was AWFUL. Every 5 seconds, it feels like, they're making you shove food down your face. I cried a lot--at my former case manager, at my friend, by myself...I was SO FULL *all day long* yesterday, it was DISGUSTING. And last night, I completely freaked out. Completely. I used almost every negative coping skill I could think of, because I was so freaked out.

I feel so *trapped* right now--do this program and keep my relationships but lose my comforting negative coping skills, or DON'T do the program and face THOSE consequences...it'd almost be easier to die, I think sometimes...but I'm not suicidal right now. Just...worn out. Overwhelmed. Freaking the hell out. This shit is SCARY, and I DO NOT like it.

But, now that I've done one day of the program and managed to NOT stuff my face at night, I think I can come up with some sort of livable situation until my head screws itself on the right way and I realize that I need to eat to live, etc. So I'm a little calmer today. And I don't have to go in tomorrow because I have Appointments all day long, so no more dealing with this shit until Friday, and then there's the weekend (oh, the weekend...)

In other news, I'm going to try to donate blood today for the first time in *years*--I'm always so afraid that they're going to reject me, this time because of all the meds I'm on. But we shall see. Maybe they'll take me, and maybe I won't faint when they're done? :). I just feel like I *should* donate blood as often as I can. It's the right thing to do, you know?

I hope you all are well. Be strong, on whatever courses you may be taking at the moment, and don't let the world get you down. Life's too short for that shit.

Skinny

I want to be skinny. Skinny is something I will never be.

I will go through this course of 'recovery,' and then I will go back to the most efficient means of becoming skinny I can find, whatever that means may be. I can't live like this, though, with the bulimia ruling my life--you don't get thin from puking...

Puking doesn't get you skinny...

...And I can't eat anymore without wanting to puke.

Resolved

I am done with food. I will not eat, except what I need to get by. I realized this this afternoon, with my head over the toilet (again.) I can't take this any more. I'm not losing weight any more. I'm trying to please too many people. I can please myself, at least, in this regard. Done. With. Food.

I can't TAKE it any more!

Problems

I already e-mailed someone about this, but it's driving me CRAZY!
I'd forgotten that once I start eating, I literally cannot stop. Can. Not. Stop. It's embarrassing! And fattening!

Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight from this...yet...but it's only a matter of time, you know? I've *GOT* to cut this off, and I just feel so helpless against it.

And so, I HAVE to eat this egregiously large dinner three days a week at this program, right? And THAT pisses me off, too--not just because of the portions, but because of the timing. My ritual is to go home, check the mail, and eat (and then maybe--MAYBE--puke.) This means that with this forced meal, I am now eating TWICE in one evening, and I do not have the power to fight it. I'm weak.

And on TOP of that, my daytime restriction has gone out the window. Literally. Gone. Buh bye! So I'm over eating. All. Day. Long. I need HELP to stop this viscious, ugly cycle of fatness. Please?? Help me??

And THEN, someone eked the secret that I'm in an ED program out of me. I am royally pissed off and annoyed about that. Now, said person thinks that I'm taking care of myself, when CLEARLY I'm not, and may never actually do so beyond surface concerns. It makes me want to cry, the whole situation. :(

I just need input. Advice. Guidance and help. I want to get back on the path to Thin. Not this overindulgant, puke-filled path that I'm on now. I want to starve myself again, and I want to be good at it, for once...

I'm full of stupid tonight!

omg omg omg omg!
I just puked up my lithium!!!! What the hell do I do now????
I chatted with the Walgreens 24 hour pharmacist, she said to call my doctor. My doctor is on vacation. I called her stand in and left a message, but she won't get back to me until the AM. Am I going to miss a dose???? (Probably, yes) That's never happened before!! AM I GOING TO GO CRAZY??? hahaha. Oy vey.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid. That's what I am. I shouldn't have eaten all that food in the first place, or taken my meds so late. What am I supposed to do?? Does this constitute an emergency for the psychiatrist on call? I don't wanna, because then I'll have to explain that I was puking, and he/she will probably just tell me to skip the dose anyway because they don't know how much my body absorbed in the TEN MINUTES it was in there. Oy vey....Man oh man oh man. STUPID!

Guilt

Do you ever feel guilty about your eating habits?

I know I feel guilty all the time. When I purge, I think of the food I just wasted, and all the people out there who don't have any. When I eat around friends, I feel guilty because I feel like they're not eating as much as they want to because of how little *I* took. And when I restrict, again I feel guilty because I *have* food when a lot of other people out there don't.

*sigh* There's a lot of guilt, and I still haven't changed...and I feel like it's in my power TO change. I just...I can't. And I also feel like if I start eating again without purging, I'm just going to get fatter because I never learned portion control. What a waste...

I can't sleep.

It's 3:30 am, and I couldn't sleep. First off (and this is tmi) I think I have a yeast infection, so I went and researched that (jury's still out.) THEN, I went down to the kitchen. There's my first problem. There I proceeded to eat: a bite of soup, 2 strawberries, some blackberries, some broccoli, and two bowls of FiberOne. (How miserable!) Thank the Lord there is pretty much only healthy stuff in the house right now...

Now, I'm debating if I purge. *sigh* I wish I juts wouldn't eat--then I'd never have to deal with this again...

out of control some?

I've been GRAZING since 3:30 this afternoon!!! That's almost FIVE HOURS!

And I CAN'T puke, because the toilet upstairs, out of the way from everyone, is OUT of comission....

Hoooo boy. Well, tomorrow we'll stick to a plan, because the weekend will be over, and there will be More Structure...

Alone in the misery...

Day starts out pretty well--not the best, because your gf gives you two cookies for breakfast instead of your usual breakfast drink, but you're strong. You can get over it.

You go strong, straight through lunchtime, determined to be good today, to be strong, to power through cravings and "needs"...but then you get shaky, uncertain, and you have to go to work and you can't go to work like that...so what to eat?

Well, there's that Dunkin Donuts right around the corner, and you've been craving a sandwich from them for a while...break down, eat it, feel fat, but know that it's only 460 calories and you still have room in today's allowance. Come up with a plan for the rest of the day (ramen for "dinner," yogurt and maybe a banana with your meds)

Get home, and all hell breaks loose. Make dinner for everyone. Break down and decide to eat some, only a little--MISTAKE! Now you've got the taste on your lips.

Eat some more. Eat that banana you've been wanting to try and break the craving for more food. Wrong. Keep going. Vegetables! Vegetables don't count! Eat those. Eatthe tiny pie in the fridge. Eat a roll. Eat some cereal. And then it's a free-for-all on the Cheetos.

Woah. What to do? GOTTA PUKE!!!

Chug some water. Go up to the bathroom, put the seat up...only water comes up. Orange water. Keep trying. Get some Cheeto up, but not enough. KEEP TRYING. Getting more and more desperate, but nothing will come up. Well, that's it. Now you've not only failed at not eating, you've also failed at PURGING. FAILURE.

At the end of the day, all you have is yourself, and the misery you wreaked upon yourself. Fat, miserable, alone. Failure.

because nobody else cares...

hell, I don't think even YOU guys care, but I post anyway because I need a place to share...

Today I've been pretty good. I had my instant breakfast (200 cal), one Hershey's Hug (because it was forced on my by the girl--23 cal), and a mac'n'cheese from Au Bon Pain (360 cal)--my friend pretty much forced it on me. But if I stick with this, I can keep it to less than 1000, which is all I ask. I try to keep it to one meal a day, and less than 1000 calories, but sadly sometimes I cave (more often lately. I've spent more time with my head over the toilet in the past week than I have in the past three weeks...)

The laxatives turned out...all right. I spent two pretty miserable days--we are NOT doing THAT again any time soon, no siree Bob. It didn't even WORK properly. I'm pretty sure those Cheetos got digested and processed...

In an effort to placate the people at the program I'm in, I bought Carnation Instant Breakfasts (Or "Essentials" as they're called now) It's only 150 calories if you make it with skim milk, and now I can say that I had breakfast. For some reason, I don't mind drinking calories nearly as much as I mind eating them, but these 150 are STILL being included in my count for the day.

Ever since I started this effing program, all anyone's wanted to do is to fix my ED. Well, NEWSFLASH: I don't want to fix it right now. Maybe in 20 lbs...(my therapist says in 20 lbs, it'll be too integrated. No. Really?) Even my effing THERAPIST, whom I love and adore, has jumped on board with this one. It's pretty miserable. I think that I'm going to have to learn to lie until I lose the weight that I need to. I wish I knew an effective way of doing it. I think I'm eating juuuuuust too much per day for the weight loss to set in--juuuuust enough to fuck up my metabolism. Sadness.

OK. But that's all for now. Stay strong, lovelies!

Weakness

I have no will power outside of the hospital, where food only came three times a day, and then was gone.  I can't CONTROL myself! Not to mention this program and it's damn safety contract.  I'm going NUTS.  I'm going to gain all the weight I lost right back, when what I NEED to be doing is losing more weight.

In a moment of weakness, I ate two sandwiches, and puked them both right back up last night.  I ate TOO MUCH yesterday.   I wish I could just bloody well CONTROL myself! HELP!

Good Day

(Yes, I'm back to "good days" and "bad days")
After my failed resolution (I failed pretty quickly, huh?) to start a liquid diet--I ate a TON that day and then puked it all back up--I was really, really good yesterday. I had about 5 bites of the risotto that my boss bought for lunch...and that was it. All day.

I figure cigarettes are cheaper than food, right?

I'm a little worried about today, though--I already ate the rest of the risotto, which I was supposed to save for lunch, and I'm actually going *home* tonight, where the temptation to eat is VAST and ABUNDANT.

But yesterday, it was like I turned over a new leaf.  I'm going to lose at least 15 lbs--this is my current goal--and I will do it any way possible. I am determined.

Crap!

Yesterday, I binged on like...everything in sight. And just as I was going to purge? My grandmother comes home, and I can't. I'm going to weigh a million and a HALF pounds pretty soon, instead of just a million....

Today, I'm going to try to be good. Didn't bring any food with me, and I'm at work, so we'll see how that goes (should have brought a diet coke, though!)

This morning, I was standing at the bus stop, when this wave of nausea/feintness washes over me--I hope this doesn't mean that I'm getting ill...

Gross.

As someone else put it, I've managed to turn my Skinny Girl Diet into the FAT girl diet. ::Sigh::

We had a snow day on Wednesday, and when I'm home, all there is to do is EAT, so I ate.  ...ALL DAY. And since I couldn't purge for whatever reason, I decided that laxatives were the way to go--WRONG.  They didn't kick in until about 3 am (too late to do any good whatsoever for the calories concerned) and I spent ALL. DAY. on the toilet shitting my guts out. Disgusting! But I guess it's what I deserve for all the eating I did. I wish I could just control my eating like a normal person, but nooooooo....

So, I've been like an EATING MONSTER all week. It's so gross! I NEED to stop, but I just can't! I HATE it!!

In other news, I talked with my MD and decided to start the bipolar meds again. Maybe that will help me control the cravings (haha--not! But at least I don't have to worry about winding up in the hospital again, I guess...)