um...

I just ate about 1200 calories worth of beef lo mein, and I can't purge because I'm at my girlfriend's house. I'm a little beyond freaked out. That's more than I'm allowed to eat!!! I should have checked before I bought it! Wah!!

Only I can make the changes necessary to live this way. Today's resolution? To eat mindfully, paying attention to what I eat, and chewing each bite at least 20 times before swallowing. Eating is not something that you can avoid, unfortunately, but you can a) minimize how much you're eating and b) make it as pleasant and civilized as possible...

*sigh*

Gross.

As someone else put it, I've managed to turn my Skinny Girl Diet into the FAT girl diet. ::Sigh::

We had a snow day on Wednesday, and when I'm home, all there is to do is EAT, so I ate.  ...ALL DAY. And since I couldn't purge for whatever reason, I decided that laxatives were the way to go--WRONG.  They didn't kick in until about 3 am (too late to do any good whatsoever for the calories concerned) and I spent ALL. DAY. on the toilet shitting my guts out. Disgusting! But I guess it's what I deserve for all the eating I did. I wish I could just control my eating like a normal person, but nooooooo....

So, I've been like an EATING MONSTER all week. It's so gross! I NEED to stop, but I just can't! I HATE it!!

In other news, I talked with my MD and decided to start the bipolar meds again. Maybe that will help me control the cravings (haha--not! But at least I don't have to worry about winding up in the hospital again, I guess...)

urgh...

THINK before you EAT!
So, my boss buys us lunch on Thursdays, which I've gotten around by ordering the smallest salads possible in the past. But today--I don't know WHAT possessed me--I ordered pasta, thinking I would eat a BITE and save the rest for...later or something. But I *ate it all*. And I can't purge because I'm at work, in public. GAH! I don't know what's WRONG with me lately! If I'd been thinking, I would have realized that I would eat it all given the opportunity, binging spree that I'm on, and I would have gone for the salad again. Oh, Lord. I feel so disgusting! I'm so mad at myself. And this was supposed to be my GOOD day! I hate myself so much right now, fat, disgusting pig. I can feeeeeel the fat bouncing on me.
Next time, I'll do better. And I'm hitting the gym hardcore tomorrow. Lord above...