Gross.

As someone else put it, I've managed to turn my Skinny Girl Diet into the FAT girl diet. ::Sigh::

We had a snow day on Wednesday, and when I'm home, all there is to do is EAT, so I ate.  ...ALL DAY. And since I couldn't purge for whatever reason, I decided that laxatives were the way to go--WRONG.  They didn't kick in until about 3 am (too late to do any good whatsoever for the calories concerned) and I spent ALL. DAY. on the toilet shitting my guts out. Disgusting! But I guess it's what I deserve for all the eating I did. I wish I could just control my eating like a normal person, but nooooooo....

So, I've been like an EATING MONSTER all week. It's so gross! I NEED to stop, but I just can't! I HATE it!!

In other news, I talked with my MD and decided to start the bipolar meds again. Maybe that will help me control the cravings (haha--not! But at least I don't have to worry about winding up in the hospital again, I guess...)

Skinny Girl Day One

I'm not going to keep you updated with a blow-by-blow update of what I ate every day, etc, because a) that's boring and b) I'm just going to fail.

Today, I did GREAT until I got home and my grandma cooked dinner for me. I pigged out--once I started eating, I couldn't stop. It was *embarrassing*!  Maybe tomorrow I will do better.

I told my girlfriend about the ED today, and she didn't run away screaming. I think that this is a good sign...

Nervous

(I'm just going to repeat-post what I posted at http://anamiachronicles.blogspot.com/)

Tomorrow is Christmas for us--the horror of the holidays aren't over for the Orthodox Christians yet--and I'm really nervous about it.  There is going to be so. much. food. I don't even know what to do about it.

I've been pretty good these past two days, finally getting back on track after the OTHER holidays with my other relatives, but tomorrow? Tomorrow's not looking so hot.

I think my plan right now is to go ahead and eat whatever, but start the Skinny Girl Diet on Monday. I'm afraid that isn't going to work out, though, because I have virtually zero will power, and when things start getting fuzzy, I start eating.

I'm also really nervous that my not eating is going to fuck my head up.  I'm supposedly bipolar, though I don't believe that, and I just stopped taking the meds they prescribed (and let me tell you--it feels GOOD to finally be free!) but the last time I wasn't eating and stopped my meds, I wound up in the hospital, and I do NOT want a repeat of that...ever. Again.  But I can't go back to eating normally, and from where I am, one can only restrict more.

I'm fucking myself up.

This is not going to turn out well. Not going to turn out well at all...

I think...

...that I'm going to try the Skinny Girl Diet once Russian Christmas is over. We'll see.

My aunt told me last night that I was skinny, and that I was obsessed with calories. I don't believe her on either count.