...And I'm OUT...again

My insurance company is the dumbest insurance company ever--I wasn't even in residential a full week this time 'round before they decided to kick me out because I wasn't engaging in Behaviors (which I COULDN'T engage in within those walls) and because I wasn't actively suicidal (which is something I was thanking the LORD for...)

So now it's the weekend, and I'm free as a bird, without any support. Great.

I'm greatly ambivalent about this whole "recovery" thing--on the one hand, I recognize its necessity in moving forward with life. On the other, I feel this great need to keep a death grip on my problems. I feel defined by them...but what is a life that is defined by Problems? I'm reaching a stage in my life where I HAVE to be able to move beyond them, where they're beginning to interfere with the things I want to do. I'm not in the bubble of college any more. I HAVE to be able to function within the confines of the "real world" and that's not going to happen if I'm b/ping all. the time. or cutting every other night/week, you know?

I need to find a way to integrate these things into my PAST, to appreciate them for what they WERE, and not for what they ARE to me any more.

I'm also in a lot of trouble when it comes to meds. I've been off my mood stabilizer since two Saturdays ago, and I felt really good about it because I HATED it--it was making me shaky and making my hair fall out, and flatlining me like none other. AND it wasn't helping with the lows, so since no one in the program was doing anything about it, *I* decided to take it into my own hands and do something about it. So I stopped the drug.

But now, they really want me to take a new one, that's really going to require a commitment to take it. I am NOT a "commitment" person. Not in the least. I periodically decide that I'm fine, and don't need my meds any more, so I stop taking them, but if I do this with THIS drug, it basically counts it out for me (you can get a life-threatening rash on this drug, and the likelihood of that increases the more you start/stop it...) so if it WORKS, I'll be screwing myself out of something that could really, really help...

I just don't know what to do. My life is a mess right now, and I can't clean it up (much like my bedroom, which is currently a DISASTER zone, and part of why I'm sitting at Starbucks on my second venti iced coffee instead of heading home to face the music, haha) I'm so frustrated. And lonely. At least when I was in residential, there were always PEOPLE around. Now, I feel so alone....

I have more to say, but I'll probably say it later.

I'm fighting the urge to restrict today. I know that if I do that, the likelihood of gaining weight increases (and I still DESPERATELY want to lose weight...) because I'd be shutting down my metabolism, and because I'd be more likely to b/p, which is never 100% efficient...(I'm beginning to think about diet pills...) but the temptation is so great! (Also, I'm already doing it, not having had breakfast, morning snack, OR lunch at this point--just a conglomeration of some soup and chips, which have NOTHING to do with my current meal plan....they were just there, and I was hungry. I've been REALLY, REALLY hungry lately, and that disturbs me. I can't figure it out. It might just be the emotional need to eat, but it feels physical, and I can't tell any more. I just know that I WANT TO EAT. ALL. THE. TIME. ...except when I don't. I was doing so well in the program, and now that I'm on my own, I'm doing terribly. I need help still. In a major way....)

Anyway, that's all for now. Good luck, dearest readers, in your pursuits.

I'm full of stupid tonight!

omg omg omg omg!
I just puked up my lithium!!!! What the hell do I do now????
I chatted with the Walgreens 24 hour pharmacist, she said to call my doctor. My doctor is on vacation. I called her stand in and left a message, but she won't get back to me until the AM. Am I going to miss a dose???? (Probably, yes) That's never happened before!! AM I GOING TO GO CRAZY??? hahaha. Oy vey.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid. That's what I am. I shouldn't have eaten all that food in the first place, or taken my meds so late. What am I supposed to do?? Does this constitute an emergency for the psychiatrist on call? I don't wanna, because then I'll have to explain that I was puking, and he/she will probably just tell me to skip the dose anyway because they don't know how much my body absorbed in the TEN MINUTES it was in there. Oy vey....Man oh man oh man. STUPID!

Gross.

As someone else put it, I've managed to turn my Skinny Girl Diet into the FAT girl diet. ::Sigh::

We had a snow day on Wednesday, and when I'm home, all there is to do is EAT, so I ate.  ...ALL DAY. And since I couldn't purge for whatever reason, I decided that laxatives were the way to go--WRONG.  They didn't kick in until about 3 am (too late to do any good whatsoever for the calories concerned) and I spent ALL. DAY. on the toilet shitting my guts out. Disgusting! But I guess it's what I deserve for all the eating I did. I wish I could just control my eating like a normal person, but nooooooo....

So, I've been like an EATING MONSTER all week. It's so gross! I NEED to stop, but I just can't! I HATE it!!

In other news, I talked with my MD and decided to start the bipolar meds again. Maybe that will help me control the cravings (haha--not! But at least I don't have to worry about winding up in the hospital again, I guess...)

Impromptu Afternoon Off!

Woo hoo! ...but now I don't know what to DO with myself! If I go home, I'll EAT! Because that's what I DO when I'm bored (and I have tomorrow off, too, oh boy oh boy...)

I decided to get a skinny vanilla latte--let me tell you, NOT a win. It tastes gross and has about 130 calories. TOO MANY! It's time to break out the diet cokes again. Those are my saviour when I'm trying not to eat.

In other news, I think I'm going slowly crazy as the meds wean out of my system. I'm a wee bit worried about all of this, as mentioned before. I'm SO ANTSY. And I don't think the Not Eating is helping.

I need to come up with plans to avoid food, too, because I'm pretty sure my grandma's going to make dinner pretty much every night, and it is Not To Be Avoided. Maybe *I'll* start making it, and claim that I picked while cooking and therefore am full...but that'll only work some nights.

But I'm really excited! I stepped on the scale this morning, and I was down to 155 for the first time in MONTHS--that's five pounds less than it was the LAST time I checked. Here's hoping it stays! I mean, I'm still a complete fat ass, but that's 5 lbs LESS of fat-ass-dom! Yay!

Thinking thin,

Yours.

Nervous

(I'm just going to repeat-post what I posted at http://anamiachronicles.blogspot.com/)

Tomorrow is Christmas for us--the horror of the holidays aren't over for the Orthodox Christians yet--and I'm really nervous about it.  There is going to be so. much. food. I don't even know what to do about it.

I've been pretty good these past two days, finally getting back on track after the OTHER holidays with my other relatives, but tomorrow? Tomorrow's not looking so hot.

I think my plan right now is to go ahead and eat whatever, but start the Skinny Girl Diet on Monday. I'm afraid that isn't going to work out, though, because I have virtually zero will power, and when things start getting fuzzy, I start eating.

I'm also really nervous that my not eating is going to fuck my head up.  I'm supposedly bipolar, though I don't believe that, and I just stopped taking the meds they prescribed (and let me tell you--it feels GOOD to finally be free!) but the last time I wasn't eating and stopped my meds, I wound up in the hospital, and I do NOT want a repeat of that...ever. Again.  But I can't go back to eating normally, and from where I am, one can only restrict more.

I'm fucking myself up.

This is not going to turn out well. Not going to turn out well at all...