How stupid am I?

So, some background: I'm taking my last two classes to graduate, three years after I was supposed to graduate. This is my last shot at it, basically. If I fail, I'll have to go to some other school or something to finish it up. No bueno.

I was talking to my therapist today, and she said, "What are your priorities for the next seven weeks?"

I dunno.

"Let me take a guess. On the one hand, we have food. On the other, we have classes and graduation"

::nod:: (sure, why not?)

Then she proceeded to explain that I'm basically sabotaging myself with this food thing, and it would be good to think about the reason why--probably because I'm scared of graduation.

Well, I AM sabotaging myself, I guess, but I swear to God it's not because I'm afraid of graduating. I've had THREE YEARS to think this over. I'm actually really annoyed with myself for messing things up so badly, but I can't...I just...I can't fix it right now!

She wants me to eat 1500 calories a day for the next 7 weeks. I can't do that. I guess my priorities really ARE screwed up. WTF?

(I need help.)

I am convinced...

that God is humbling me, making me work so hard to get into an ED program. All I have to say is that if I get in, I'd damn well BETTER get something out of it!

Worries

So, I'm really worried that I'm not going to have the energy to be a good girlfriend over the course of the next three weeks.

As much as I pretend to ignore it, I know that not eating is really, really bad for me. It fucks up my moods, first and foremost, and it leaves me in this sort of fuzzy state, where I'm not really functioning.

Like...last night for instance. My girlfriend was REALLY in the mood...but I was not. And I think it's because I didn't eat enough during the day.

But I'm REALLY determined to stay the course, and be really, really sick for these three weeks of waiting to see if I can change insurances/get into the ED program. I want to make the most of it.

I do not understand my ED. It sort of started as a way to hurt myself, because I'm into that. Then, when I was in the hospital, it turned into a control issue, and then it turned into a genuine desire to lose weight. But I think the other two things (hurting myself and control) are still there.

My therapist thinks I'm lumping my anxiety with my eating habits, that I'm doing this so that I don't have to think about anything else. And you know what? I don't know if she's right or not.

If I got ONE thing out of the OP program I was in, it's that I do not for the life of me understand my emotions. I can't talk about them! And I think that's key to "getting better" (which as of today? I don't want to do. I only want to get better for my girlfriend's sake, because I don't want to hurt her...)

So....I'm just really worried that I'm going to be a miserable GF until I get the help that I need, and who KNOWS when that'll be... :(

I just saw my therapist

We spent a LOT of time talking about eating. She thinks (and I agree) that it's one of the major reasons I wound up in the hospital. She wants me to go to one of the local ED centers for their intensive outpatient programs.

::SIGH::

As much as I rail against it, a small (very small!) part of me realizes that I need to get better to move along with my life (I want to go into social work, and you can't get started in it if you're still fucked up...) I'm considering the program. (But ONLY if they can still help me lose weight)

I mean...it's not like I can't pick this up again later if their method doesn't work, right?

I'm just...I'm scared. This isn't sustainable! I can't kep resticting, restricting, restricting, BINGE! PURGE! restricting, restricting...etc. It doesn't work! I swear, if I could possibly just NOT EAT, I would. I HATE food, so much. But I can't. And I'm screwing up.

Maybe I'll give it a try, see what happens, and if it doesn't help, go RIGHT BACK to the viscious cycle I'm doing right now...Maybe.

Crap!

Crap crap crap CRAP!

I'm finishing up the OP program tomorrow, but last night I had this revelation that the work just wasn't DONE yet, so I called my clinician and left a message about going to the evening IOP program...turns out my insurance won't cover it. BUT she gave me a bunch of other options...and they're ALL for EDs!!!!!!! WAH!!!!

And I'm so desperate for HELP that I'm almost willing to go, even though a) I don't think that I even HAVE an ED and b) I DON'T want to fix things in the eating department yet (20 more pounds, remember??)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!

*SIGH*

(Posting from my phone, as there's no guarantee of internet tonight...)

I had a chat with my clinician today. I told her I was doing a-ok, and she asked me about my concentration. I told her honestly that it's been shot lately, I've lost my motivation and my concentration. She said "Do you think that's maybe because you're a little bit depressed??" all sarcastically.

THEN, she asked me if I was still engaging in Behaviors (aka cutting, restricting, etc) I was pretty honest. She launched into me about the ED, how I'm the only one who can get myself out of it, it's like locking yourself in a cage and you're the only one with the keys, etc. This is damaging to you, yaddah yaddah. Weight is just a number, BMI is bullshit, you need to accept the facts. Weighing as much as you did when you were 13 is no good, you were a different person then. Etc. (It went on for a long time)

I'm so frustrated!I explained that I can't eat, she said that's because I'm a concrete thinker. But I CAN'T eat normally! Truly! I never, ever learned how, and quite frankly, restricting is MUCH better than what I WAS doing.

I...I just don't know what to do with all of this. My ED? Not that bad. But everyone's making a HUGE deal out of it.

I fucking hate food.

I can't handle all of this. It's my nature to try to please everyone, and in this matter, I just can't.

I think I'm going to try jogging once I get home--get me out of the triggering house, burn some calories, burn off some frustration...

because nobody else cares...

hell, I don't think even YOU guys care, but I post anyway because I need a place to share...

Today I've been pretty good. I had my instant breakfast (200 cal), one Hershey's Hug (because it was forced on my by the girl--23 cal), and a mac'n'cheese from Au Bon Pain (360 cal)--my friend pretty much forced it on me. But if I stick with this, I can keep it to less than 1000, which is all I ask. I try to keep it to one meal a day, and less than 1000 calories, but sadly sometimes I cave (more often lately. I've spent more time with my head over the toilet in the past week than I have in the past three weeks...)

The laxatives turned out...all right. I spent two pretty miserable days--we are NOT doing THAT again any time soon, no siree Bob. It didn't even WORK properly. I'm pretty sure those Cheetos got digested and processed...

In an effort to placate the people at the program I'm in, I bought Carnation Instant Breakfasts (Or "Essentials" as they're called now) It's only 150 calories if you make it with skim milk, and now I can say that I had breakfast. For some reason, I don't mind drinking calories nearly as much as I mind eating them, but these 150 are STILL being included in my count for the day.

Ever since I started this effing program, all anyone's wanted to do is to fix my ED. Well, NEWSFLASH: I don't want to fix it right now. Maybe in 20 lbs...(my therapist says in 20 lbs, it'll be too integrated. No. Really?) Even my effing THERAPIST, whom I love and adore, has jumped on board with this one. It's pretty miserable. I think that I'm going to have to learn to lie until I lose the weight that I need to. I wish I knew an effective way of doing it. I think I'm eating juuuuuust too much per day for the weight loss to set in--juuuuust enough to fuck up my metabolism. Sadness.

OK. But that's all for now. Stay strong, lovelies!