Measures of Fat

I've gained about 5 lbs (gag me now...). How do I know? First off, the scale. Yes, the scale. I know you're all surprised there. But also, my grandmother has stopped talking about how skinny I am, and when I look at myself lately, all I can see is fat. It's frustrating...

I wish I could just be skinny, go back to my safe 600 calories a day. I can't even count them anymore, the process is so overwhelming.

I don't understand how 'normal' people stay within 2000 calories a day--I barely ate anything yesterday (one meal, and two snacks--because I'm a weak ass) and I was already over 1000, you know? It's disgusting!

I'm meeting with a nutritionist on the 30th--so scared. I hope she puts me on a weight loss meal plan, not an ED recovery one. I can't bear to gain more weight...

Dilemmas, Dilemmas, Dilemmas...

I want to eat like I normally do--my breakfast drink in the morning, my cheese stick at lunch...but I can't because these people are forcing me to eat so much at dinner time. *sigh* So I'm going to just starve all day. I guess until they catch on...

How stupid am I?

So, some background: I'm taking my last two classes to graduate, three years after I was supposed to graduate. This is my last shot at it, basically. If I fail, I'll have to go to some other school or something to finish it up. No bueno.

I was talking to my therapist today, and she said, "What are your priorities for the next seven weeks?"

I dunno.

"Let me take a guess. On the one hand, we have food. On the other, we have classes and graduation"

::nod:: (sure, why not?)

Then she proceeded to explain that I'm basically sabotaging myself with this food thing, and it would be good to think about the reason why--probably because I'm scared of graduation.

Well, I AM sabotaging myself, I guess, but I swear to God it's not because I'm afraid of graduating. I've had THREE YEARS to think this over. I'm actually really annoyed with myself for messing things up so badly, but I can't...I just...I can't fix it right now!

She wants me to eat 1500 calories a day for the next 7 weeks. I can't do that. I guess my priorities really ARE screwed up. WTF?

(I need help.)

Non-Productivity and the Valley of Temptation

I'm NOT getting anything done, and I've been "at it" since about 9 this morning (it's just past 2:30 now...) I just can't CONCENTRATE! I almost don't care, except that this is my last chance at school, and I can't blow it. ::sigh::

I have a food plan for the day:
B: Instant B-fast (150 cal)
2 small cookies (100 cal)
L: skim milk (90 cal)
diet coke? (o cal)
D: soup with the girl (that CAN'T be more than 300 calories, right???)

This all comes to 640 cal. I have 20 cal worth of Gatorade left that I might have to drink, too, but overall? Not too shabby.

I just hope that tonight, I don't wake up because I'm hungry again....

Oh, but this afternoon? I swear I walked through the Valley of Temptation. I went downtown to try to get some homework done, and I SWEAR there's every type of cheap food place you can imagine (and I'm HUNGRY. I would never admit it to anyone who asked me if I WANTED food, but I'm so hungry right now...) and the temptation--oh! The temptation! But I stuck to my food plan and wandered right through. Got my milk at Starbucks (they didn't even charge me because they didn't have the short size in cold cups and I guess he felt guilty charging me for half a tall?) and went right on! ...Now I just have to do that AGAIN on my way back. ::SIGH:: Wish me luck!

Miracle Drink

So, someone from the ana/mia chronicles suggested a whey drink for post-running to avoid the food craze, so I bought some yesterday (ED shopping list: Carnation Instant Breakfast-150 calories w/ skim milk, whey protein drink--220 calories w/ skim milk, low-cal gatorade to keep the electrolytes up-45 cal/bottle, gum->5 cal/piece, skim milk-90 cal/serving...)

It was like a slow-setting-in MIRACLE. I drank 1 scoop with about 6 oz of skim milk when I got hungry (and let me tell you, it was DISGUSTING, but I slogged it down), and then I *started* to binge--browsing the kitchen for foods (starting with the smart ones--vegetables, because vegetables "don't count")...and in the middle of it? I couldn't eat any more. I kept my calories to less than 700 yesterday (or at LEAST less than 800--I lost a little track somewhere in there.) I think that's a GREAT start to my three week diet. Now, I just have to keep it up.

Now, I have to make some decisions. I haven't been counting the calories in my morning/afternoon coffee. Now, since I'm pretty much poverty stricken right now and can't afford cream for my homemade coffee, it hasn't been too much of a problem, but when I go out to study at Starbucks or Peet's or wherever, it IS a problem. It bothers me that I don't know how many calories I'm consuming there. So I think that starting tomorrow, it does count. Gotta keep track of these things.

Goal for the day/week/month? Less than 600 cal (which might be a problem because I was up to 250 by 9 am....)

Fuck.

So, the ED clinic doesn't take my current insurance, and I have to switch to another version of it, which involves them mailing me a form (7-10 business days), me sending it back, and then they have to approve the change. So, I'm not going to get any help for probably 3 weeks or so, and in 3 weeks or so, am I even going to WANT help? Or is that little voice inside my head that says "Dude, you need help!" going to be completely shut up???

The director of the program said "It sounds like you have a serious eating disorder"--bullshit. I do not. I have a very, very mild ED.

That said, I'm going to try to get back down to 600 cal/day. I've been eating too much, and I do not like the b/p cycle.

I'm going to eat as little as possible in these 3 weeks--see how much weight I can lose...

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now...

(I MEANT to go to Starbucks and get a short coffee, but the space there was limited aka NOT AVAILABLE, so I went to Chipotle's--next door for the WiFi--instead. ::SIGH:: Fat forever...)

So, I met someone with a REAL ED in the program today. I heard her talk about how it ruined her life...and I still don't want to get better. I want to get worse. I want to be stick thin, and still feel like it's not enough. Someone told me today that my face looked "healthy"--I could've killed her a little bit. "Fat" is not "healthy" and no one--eating disordered or otherwise--wants to hear that they look "healthy." It's insulting--either it means you're gaining weight (for the ED crowd) or it means you're...well...I can't think of what it means for the other crowd, but it's NOT a compliment.

I think I'm going to start lowering my calories. I don't have the fortitude for the Skinny Girl Diet, or the ABC diet, but I CAN try to cut back by 100 every day. I've been keeping it around 1000/day, so I think tomorrow, I'll aim for 900, etc. I can't stay at this weight, and it's really frustrating me that I can't lose any more! I wish I knew how to! Also, I'm going to start running three times a week, whether I want to or not. A person's got to have discipline! (ah, resolutions...)

Anyway, I should get back to doing homework. And by "get back to" I mean "start"...