waiting, waiting, waiting--my life is spent in waiting

Waiting for the *bus*, waiting for the *train* waiting for class to start...etc. I spend a LOT of time waiting. Right now, I'm waiting for the bus to school. Good times...

So, yesterday was the Walk for Hunger--we started at 8:50, and didn't finish until 4:30. Pathetic. Mind you, this was with breaks. Walking 20 miles was challenging, especially because I have a bad hip--about 2 miles in I was ready to call it quits. Yeah. Pathetic. I ate soooooo much yesterday, too, but you know what? It kept me going. (Only things I don't have an excuse for are the foods I ate *after* the walk...) I decided about 8, 9 miles in that calories were the answer to my flagging self. And you know what? They were. Sadly. I picked right up after eating a scone. So sad.

But today, I am determined to once more be good. Breakfast = 150 cal, lunch = 70 cal, snack = 100 cal, and dinner remains to be seen. (I need a plan!!! I cannot function without one!!! Maybe I will have nonfat cottage cheese and fruit?)

I'm finding it really difficult not to eat at night, and I've been really thirsty for caloried drinks. I'm gonna get fatter!!!! When I need to get thinner!!! Wah!

I've been hovering between 142 and 145 lately. I'd like to bring it down into the 130s range, and if cutting my calories back doesn't do it, I guess I'll have to start exercising, too (though I'm afraid of that--asthma, bad hip, and GINORMOUS post-workout appetite. Yeah...) We'll see. Maybe next week I can have the energy to do that.

Oh! I totally forgot! Crisis resolved! The MD essentially told me missing one dose wouldn't kill me, and it didn't! I was just so worried--lithium is NOT shit to mess around with, and I'd never missed a dose before. Also? I was SO angry about flushing that money down the toilet (shit's expensive, you know?) So yeah. That's that.

Hope all's well with you ladies!

sorry

Sorry I've been mia--I don't like to post when I'm being bad. My friend came over this weekend, and I couldn't get out of eating, and one I start...well...you know how it is. But today's a new week, and I have a good feeling about today (even without my diet coke :( )

So, people have been telling me that this is not the way to lose weight, that I'm doing bad things to my metabolism...but then...how do the anorexics do it, eh? I want to be thin. If I were thin, I'd be happier with myself. No longer fat. I could live down all the teasing. Etc. I'm not really sure why I'm doing this. I think a large part of it is that I like the challenge. (Another part of it is that I ate two "meals" yesterday? I feel sooooooOoo FAT today, wah! Gotta get back to good ole starvation--at least that's reliable!)

More later (probably when I'm supposed to be doing homework, haha)

Fears and Ramblings

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. Not enough, but a lot. And some of it's been about getting better. I realized that it's a nice idea...but the process involves EATING. Now, if I were still in my crazy purging place, that wouldn't bother me so much, but since I've started restricting seriously, it DOES bother me. They are going to want me to eat three meals a day, and those meals are going to have to be more than 200 calories each.

I...I don't know how they're going to get me to DO that, because you can't just take a person who's been doing her own thing and all of a sudden make her change that. No! You've got to ease into it.

Besides, part of the reason I don't eat "normally" is that I never learned how to eat normally. I mean, seriously, c'mon! Growing up? A vegetable was defined as a can of green beans split between six people.

They're going to have to teach me before I even consider eating again.

I'm also really, REALLY afraid that I'm going to gain all the weight I just lost back and balloon up again. Now really, there's NO need for me to gain weight. In fact, I'm finally *approaching* the "healthy" weight range for my height (never mind that probably the reason I'm so heavy is mostly because of my bones--THAT'S making excuses. I am a fat ass and there's no getting around it. I want to be TINY. That's why the current goal is to lose as much weight as possible during these three weeks...)

I just...I don't know how I feel about all of this. Honestly, I don't think that I should need help. This is just about the stupidest thing I've ever done to myself--I should be able to just pick up where I left off, just start eating again, and all my problems would be solved (except they won't be. I have a lot of hidden shit that I have to deal with.) I shouldn't need help to do that--if I could just put my head on right, then I could suck it up and deal on my own...but I can't. I can't just eat. I can't bring myself to do it, and when my body takes over and makes me eat, I feel like a fat, disgusting, gross pig and then I feel like I need to either purge or cut.

In other news, and in a lemony twist of irony, I signed up to do the Walk for Hunger--it's a 20 mile walk. THAT should be interesting (seeing as I've never done more than maybe 5 miles before in my life...) But it's a good cause, and my girlfriend's doing it, so.. ;)

I should stop rambling now. I have other fears, but they haven't been voiced yet. I'll ramble some more when I figure them out. In the MEANwhile, I've got to go take a midterm I haven't studied for. PEACE, HOMIES!

Non-Productivity and the Valley of Temptation

I'm NOT getting anything done, and I've been "at it" since about 9 this morning (it's just past 2:30 now...) I just can't CONCENTRATE! I almost don't care, except that this is my last chance at school, and I can't blow it. ::sigh::

I have a food plan for the day:
B: Instant B-fast (150 cal)
2 small cookies (100 cal)
L: skim milk (90 cal)
diet coke? (o cal)
D: soup with the girl (that CAN'T be more than 300 calories, right???)

This all comes to 640 cal. I have 20 cal worth of Gatorade left that I might have to drink, too, but overall? Not too shabby.

I just hope that tonight, I don't wake up because I'm hungry again....

Oh, but this afternoon? I swear I walked through the Valley of Temptation. I went downtown to try to get some homework done, and I SWEAR there's every type of cheap food place you can imagine (and I'm HUNGRY. I would never admit it to anyone who asked me if I WANTED food, but I'm so hungry right now...) and the temptation--oh! The temptation! But I stuck to my food plan and wandered right through. Got my milk at Starbucks (they didn't even charge me because they didn't have the short size in cold cups and I guess he felt guilty charging me for half a tall?) and went right on! ...Now I just have to do that AGAIN on my way back. ::SIGH:: Wish me luck!