i eat too much...

I'm going to assign times to eat, and stick to them (no matter WHAT!!)—if I could live through hunger when I had an ED, I can live through it again...

*sigh* I'm back. I guess.

Sorry for the completely I formatted text. Writing from my phone. I'm back. I had the singularly traumatizing experience yesterday of trying on almost all (LITERALLY—almost ALL!!) of my cute/professional/cooler weather clothes...and NOTHING FIT. NOTHING. I almost had to go to a job interview naked and cold. I'm the heaviest I've been since maybe 2009, to the point where even my PRE-ed clothes don't fit, and I'm frustrated and angry. The life of an ED individual is not pleasant. Just going back to the Ana/Mia blog and fucking *skimming* reminded me of that, never mind years of personal misery in & out of treatment and (psych) hospitals. I cease functioning when I cease eating. I get suicidal. Depressed. All 'round craaaaaazytown. (Legit) And it's scary. But I can't live like this. I can't. I need to go back down in weight, and literally the ONLY effective method I've ever used is this damnable ED. (I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be back on blogs. I should be encouraging following my meal plan and doing what I need to do to get better. I shouldn't be encouraging Evil Brain and the damned ED. Even just READING this shit is sending me right back to when I was 23, the same shiver in my body and vibrations in my head. This is bad. This is very, very bad...) I can't. You can't win when you have an ED.

Fat Day

Today is one of 'em. No matter what, all I can see is my *fat*--It's EVERYWHERE! And there's no place to freak out, because no one else gets it, so you guys get the brunt of it (sorry!)

I cried after lunch today. It's just SUCH a traumatizing experience, and I can't even explain why! There's just so much FOOD! Snacks, I can handle, but meals? No es bueno. And I can't eat it all, so I have to deal with everyone staring, and THEN I have to deal with that damn Ensure (I'm SO SICK of them, and it's only my third day of drinking them!) All the calories! All that FOOD, just sitting in my belly! And all the food I wasted...*sigh* The guilt is endless, and I can't deal with it.

And I'm fat. Fat, fat, fat, FAT....

Officially Bulimic

I saw the paper work yesterday--it's official, I guess.

The diagnosis I've been trying to avoid for two years...

138 today (down about a pound and a half from a week and a half ago), and I can see the ribs near my collarbone when I put my hair up, but I'm still FAT.

Fat Day

Some days? I wish it was socially appropriate to announce to facebook that you're having a fat day, just so that you could get it off your chest...

Measures of Fat

I've gained about 5 lbs (gag me now...). How do I know? First off, the scale. Yes, the scale. I know you're all surprised there. But also, my grandmother has stopped talking about how skinny I am, and when I look at myself lately, all I can see is fat. It's frustrating...

I wish I could just be skinny, go back to my safe 600 calories a day. I can't even count them anymore, the process is so overwhelming.

I don't understand how 'normal' people stay within 2000 calories a day--I barely ate anything yesterday (one meal, and two snacks--because I'm a weak ass) and I was already over 1000, you know? It's disgusting!

I'm meeting with a nutritionist on the 30th--so scared. I hope she puts me on a weight loss meal plan, not an ED recovery one. I can't bear to gain more weight...

The 'Good News/Bad News' Game

Good news: my loan went through, so I'm officially (finally) graduating! ...once I pay off the $51 late fee. Yeah...

Bad news: I'm officially getting FAT. Scale hovering between 143-145instead of its old 140-143. Thighs egregiously large. Fat growing on arms. Belly growing. Disgusting. FAT. Time to break it down, cut out the junk food in my life (maybe all fats, too) and STOP. BINGEING.

Good news: I'm in lurve (I can't even say the word, I've been avoiding scaring her off so much, haha) and she's right there with me!

Bad news: I'm too exhausted to enjoy the good things in my life. And I'm fat.

Good news: I have a lot of support in my life.

Bad news: I don't know how to use it/listen to it.

Good news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind.

Bad news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind...

This game could go on and on....let me speak to the last piece. I am not well yet. I am also not as sick as I was. Part of me wants to get better. Part of me does not. This program, if I leave it now, will leave me this half-transmogrified mass of MESSY that can neither cope with the world, nor with food, but must deal in both. That's a scary prospect. I want to either be most of the way healed when I leave this motherfucking program, or completely ill--not this messy, ugly halfway place that I'm in now. I'm too vulnerable right now...

2%

I had 2% milk today after months of skim only--it was like putting *cream* in my cereal! Gross! I can't believe that's all I would drink for years!

What is WRONG with me? I'm on an eating spree...again. I think I need to hearken back to my days in the hospital, where I wouldn't eat all day but for the food that people brought me during visitor hours. THAT'S when I had strength. THAT'S when I lost the most weight. I need to go back to that. I'm being weak, having "breakfast" and lunch and dinner, no matter how tiny they are. I need to fast all day, have a small amount of food in the evening, and not eat anything else after that. I'm too comfortable right now. I'm also too fat. One needs to shake up one's world from time to time: change things up, get out of one's comfort zone. This is my verdict: starting tomorrow, it's back to starvation during the day. The only problem is what to eat at night. It was nice in the hospital, because I was limited to what people brought in. In the real world, I get to make my own decisions. This is problematic...one "meal" only. 600 cal or less. This is all I will eat.

Fat

I feel fatter now than I did at 162...(Ugh!)

Fat. Ass.

Oh. Em. Gee. I have been eating. Like a PIG these past three days! And I can't get away from it!!! I swear, I've gained 5 solid pounds back!!! :(

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better...(What if it's not???)

And to make it worse/extend the horror? My grandmother got me CHEETOS for my birthdayb!! I cannot resist Cheetos!!! Waaaaaaaaaaah, fat pig!!!!!!!!

Help me!! How am I going to get back on track???

fml

I'm NEVER going to be thin...never ever ever at this rate.

I just ate a SHITTON of cheetos thinking I could just puke them up, but could I? NoooOOooo. So I took almost a whole thing of laxatives (gonna regret THAT in a few hours...) but that just does NOT work as well...I'm going to be fat forever. Forever and ever.

And what's worse is due to being in this outpatient program, I'm around real anorexics who are skinny as can be, and I'll never possess the discipline to be that thin :( (though I'm glad they're getting the help they want...)

wah wah wah

I ate too much. For like, the third day in a row. And I want to go puke, but I don't want to puke up my meds and my coffee. Wah wah wah. Poor baby.

I wish I could just STOP EATING already--what are some things you guys do when you feel lie your eating is out of control? (IF you ever feel that way, that is...)