134

This morning, I weighed 133.8 naked. This is, apparently, the ideal weight for my gender and height. The healthy range is 119-149. I want to weigh 119. This is my new goal. All I want is to be thin.

A person is not her weight, but her weight is part of a person.

I have a lot to say, that I'll probably put in another post. But oh! My life! What a fuckin' mess...

I should be more excited...

I stepped on the scale nekkid this evening just for the hell of it, even though I pigged out this evening because I have no self control and am a fat pig...and it was just a little above 140! This is EXCELLENT news!! 5 lbs closer to my 130 goal! ...but I just can't get excited. Because I'm a fat pig.

Also, I can't get out of my head the "blind weighing" they did at the ED center today--how embarrassing is that??? THEY get to see how much your fat self weighs, and YOU have to just stand there and look at the wall...I wonder what my real weight is (I've been using my grandmother's scale, which is pretty old.) I'll bet it's something awful like 147 or higher, especially with all my clothes on. URGH. I DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS. I can quit any time. I can quit any time. I can quit any time....

I wish I wasn't so fat. I will tell you one thing now--no matter what, I will NOT lose sight of the weight loss goal. I WILL continue to lose weight...

More Excitement!

I put on a pair of pants that I bought back in November or thereabouts this morning...and they were three inches too big!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Today, the name of the game is "getting back on track." It's all about getting back on track, so that I can lose more weight (even though my grandmother doesn't think I need to, haha) and be thin, thinner, thinnest. (But I refuse to get grotesquely thin. Then my friends won't hang out with me anymore ;) I just want all the extra flab to disappear. I want to look thin and fit. Next week, I'm going to try to start exercising (well, maybe once finals are over...that might be a better idea.) Problem is, I have issues with getting up in the morning to exercise. I severely need a running buddy, but even my craigslist post only yielded one person who lived too far away to make it work. (I decided that I want to run a half marathon next year, and maybe a full one the year after...I hate running. I am sick!) Oh well. Maybe someone will magically appear out of the blue...

It's a *beautiful* day today, btw. I brought my jacket because it looked cold outside, but shortly grew to regret that decision. Now I have to lug this extra thing around. Oh well.

Enjoy today, my lovelies!

Success! Annnnnnddddd figuring out how to create more success...

Well, the good news is that the piggishness seems to be trailing off--only MARGINAL overeating today, hopefully followed by proper starvation tomorrow.

While I was at my relatives' for Easter, my aunt gave me a dress to try on--I looked at the size and was uber skeptical of it because it was a 6, and I barely just got down to an 8, right? Well, I try it on and.....(drum roll, please!)...IT FIT! I CAN FIT INTO A 6!!!! I know, I know--most of you are probably praying that you DIE the day you're large enough to fit into a 6, but for me??? This is HUGE progress! HUGE! I'm so excited!

But that and my grandmother's comments about how skinny I'm getting are NOT making up for the fact that I've gained a gajillion pounds over the past week. Time to crack down and get back to business. Back to business indeed...

145!!!!!!!!

I REACHED IT! *WITH* my clothes on last night (but my binge fest of last night destroyed that for this morning...but STILL!!! I'm 145!!!)

15-17 lbs ago, I NEVER thought this possible!!

Next stop?? 130...

I BEAT THE 150 MARK!!!!!!

149, Baby!! Only 4 lbs away from my first goal setting, 19 away from the second!

(I shouldn't be so excited, I'm still a fat pig, but...I was 160 or higher for SO LONG, and now? Now this!!!!)

156

I'm 156 naked now (159 with clothes on.)  This is a somewhat improvement. I'm making some progress.  I kind of like the challenge to it, though when there's food available I ALWAYS give in.

Truth to tell, though? I don't feel particularly sane right now. Not at all....

Good Day

(Yes, I'm back to "good days" and "bad days")
After my failed resolution (I failed pretty quickly, huh?) to start a liquid diet--I ate a TON that day and then puked it all back up--I was really, really good yesterday. I had about 5 bites of the risotto that my boss bought for lunch...and that was it. All day.

I figure cigarettes are cheaper than food, right?

I'm a little worried about today, though--I already ate the rest of the risotto, which I was supposed to save for lunch, and I'm actually going *home* tonight, where the temptation to eat is VAST and ABUNDANT.

But yesterday, it was like I turned over a new leaf.  I'm going to lose at least 15 lbs--this is my current goal--and I will do it any way possible. I am determined.

145

I don't think this is what she meant to happen, but my therapist had a little bet-type thing going with me that if I checked with health services (or my doctor, whatever) about healthy weight ranges, my goal weight wouldn't be in it....but it's only 15 lbs below the topmost point of the range at 130.  So, I've written 145 on my hand and it is staying there until I reach it (145 being the "healthy" zone.)  I am doing a liquid day tomorrow, and then maybe limited food the day after, and then another liquid day, and I am going to continue until I get to 145 or I die. Whichever comes first. (Or, if recent experience is any indicator, until I completely lose my will power and go back to binging without purging, fatty mcfatterton that I am...)  I'm hoping that by avoiding food only one day at a time, then it'll all be more manageable. I can  handle this. I can get to 145, and I can do it FAST. Dammit.