I hate food.

I HATE it. I feel SO out of control!! And it's all damnable 'recovery's' fault.

Unfortunately, this means that I need the program, though. I've come to the realization that I can't risk falling apart in my new jobs because I haven't consumed anything, so I'm trying to work a balance out with that (maybe they'll help with it? Yeah right...) I'm thinking that I can go back to my Instant Breakfast in the morning and cheese stick and diet coke for lunch, because even though I have to eat dinner and that's a lot of calories, it's no more than I'd normally eat with my evening binges, right? So now I just have to find out how to stop the evening binging. *sigh* Any recommendations would be MORE than welcome!

Also, I'm completely helpless once I've eaten too much. I get thrown into fits of huge anxiety that can only be allayed by puking, and I'm so tired of overeating and puking. I need them to help me stop that, and I need them to help me stop that *soon*!

I feel so fat. I wish I could just not eat in peace. If only my brain would let me not eat....

some sort of update

I think that recovery--or more properly, 'recovery'--is the worst torture ive ever inflicted upon myself, and if I were a quitter, I would have quit by now, it's so painful.

Problem: I can't eat. They require you to eat.
Problem: I can't not eat. I can't STOP once I get started--the overwhelming dinner that they force on me in the program turns into what amounts to a warm-up meal, as I go home and eat and eat and eat. And then I puke. Most of the time. It's *so scary* feeling so out of control. And they all chalk it up to "oh, it's just your body reacting to starvation"--like HELL it is! I may not be the most in tune with my body possible, but I can tell the difference between a starvation binge and the other kind of 'out of control.'

Problem: I'm stuck. Everyone was like "just try it out--if you don't like it, you can go back to what you were doing before"--WRONG. Now that I'm eating so much, I'm *deathly* afraid that if I go back to not eating, I'm going to lose it and wind up in the hospital again.

This whole thing is so beyond frustrating, from the process itself, to dealing with the insurance, to thinking about how my actions will affect others, to this, to that--every aspect of this process has some kind of pain attached to it, and I hate it. Am I even into the idea of recovering? No. Then why do I keep going back? I do not know. (Because I'm not a quitter? Because a part of me wants to recover? Because I like the attention?? Because I feel like it's my last chance?? I DO NOT KNOW!!)

So, I put up with the weighing of my fat ass, I struggle through disgusting dinners, I deal with people telling me my thinking is distorted...for another day. (But not today! It's such a *relief* to not have to go in today....)

I just wish it could all go away. I'm so tired. Tired, tired, tired, tired.

I just want to be thin, and hungry most of the time. Is that so much to ask?

I should be more excited...

I stepped on the scale nekkid this evening just for the hell of it, even though I pigged out this evening because I have no self control and am a fat pig...and it was just a little above 140! This is EXCELLENT news!! 5 lbs closer to my 130 goal! ...but I just can't get excited. Because I'm a fat pig.

Also, I can't get out of my head the "blind weighing" they did at the ED center today--how embarrassing is that??? THEY get to see how much your fat self weighs, and YOU have to just stand there and look at the wall...I wonder what my real weight is (I've been using my grandmother's scale, which is pretty old.) I'll bet it's something awful like 147 or higher, especially with all my clothes on. URGH. I DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS. I can quit any time. I can quit any time. I can quit any time....

I wish I wasn't so fat. I will tell you one thing now--no matter what, I will NOT lose sight of the weight loss goal. I WILL continue to lose weight...

uh oh....

This is going to be intense. AND they don't want me talking about my ed/ed behaviours with anyone outside of the program. Fortunately, this is not talking.

Ohhhhh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy....

Hoo boy...

My eating habits made my girlfriend cry.

I have an intake appointment on Monday at the ED clinic.

Hooooooooo boy...