145!!!!!!!!

I REACHED IT! *WITH* my clothes on last night (but my binge fest of last night destroyed that for this morning...but STILL!!! I'm 145!!!)

15-17 lbs ago, I NEVER thought this possible!!

Next stop?? 130...

I BEAT THE 150 MARK!!!!!!

149, Baby!! Only 4 lbs away from my first goal setting, 19 away from the second!

(I shouldn't be so excited, I'm still a fat pig, but...I was 160 or higher for SO LONG, and now? Now this!!!!)

Weakness

I have no will power outside of the hospital, where food only came three times a day, and then was gone.  I can't CONTROL myself! Not to mention this program and it's damn safety contract.  I'm going NUTS.  I'm going to gain all the weight I lost right back, when what I NEED to be doing is losing more weight.

In a moment of weakness, I ate two sandwiches, and puked them both right back up last night.  I ate TOO MUCH yesterday.   I wish I could just bloody well CONTROL myself! HELP!

156

I'm 156 naked now (159 with clothes on.)  This is a somewhat improvement. I'm making some progress.  I kind of like the challenge to it, though when there's food available I ALWAYS give in.

Truth to tell, though? I don't feel particularly sane right now. Not at all....

An Adventurous Weekend...

I've realized that food issues are something that is completely private--it's not something that one shares with the world.  Why, then, have a blog? Because sometimes even your most private thoughts need to leak out into the world.  They need to be shared.

This weekend, I found myself staring down a bottle of pills. I freaked myself out, and I freaked my girlfriend out, and I freaked out a few friends, too.  I swear, it's the not eating that gets me to this point. But can I stop? No. I'm so determined to lose those damn 15 lbs that I can't stop, even if it means my death. That's stupid--completely stupid.  But I can't stop. I'm sunk.

In other news, I've realized that I've gone far too long without being intellectually stimulated.  Thank the Lord, I'm taking classes again. It's opened my eyes to what I need from the world. I need intellect. I need to study something to be happy. I need music in my life. I need to be so immersed in something that I can't separate myself from it.

I need to eat normally...

145

I don't think this is what she meant to happen, but my therapist had a little bet-type thing going with me that if I checked with health services (or my doctor, whatever) about healthy weight ranges, my goal weight wouldn't be in it....but it's only 15 lbs below the topmost point of the range at 130.  So, I've written 145 on my hand and it is staying there until I reach it (145 being the "healthy" zone.)  I am doing a liquid day tomorrow, and then maybe limited food the day after, and then another liquid day, and I am going to continue until I get to 145 or I die. Whichever comes first. (Or, if recent experience is any indicator, until I completely lose my will power and go back to binging without purging, fatty mcfatterton that I am...)  I'm hoping that by avoiding food only one day at a time, then it'll all be more manageable. I can  handle this. I can get to 145, and I can do it FAST. Dammit.