Freaked Out, Losing Control

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into bulimia, and this scares the hell out of me. I'm NOT going to get thin that way--I can't even get everything OUT when I puke. It scares me that I'm beginning to find comfort in this process, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm a wee bit frightened by what's going on in my head. I don't want this. I want to restrict, and restrict, and restrict, until I'm thinner than I've ever been; until people start noticing that something's up; until I feel free from all the baggage in my life...but instead, I get to spend every night eating whatever's in the house and then spend the rest of it with my head in the toilet--why?? Why is this happening to me?? All I wanted to do was Not Eat in simplicity and peace...and instead I get this. This is not the path that I would have chosen, not in the least...

*sigh*

I've decided to go into the partial hospitalization program at the treatment center I'm currently at. :(

I was purging the other night, when all of a sudden, it felt comfortable--I wanted to just keep going: that scared me. I don't mind it when not eating feels that way, but purging?? THAT scares the shit out of me.

I'm NOT 100% committed to getting better, though (whatever 'better' means...) I...don't know how this is going to go.

I'm scared. Scared of a lot of things (will I be able to get by financially for 3-6 weeks? AM I GOING TO GET FAT??? Will I lose my girlfriend if this doesn't work out? Etc etc etc--SO many fears...) It's stressing me out.

My case manager told me that she's proud of me. I can't deal with that. DON'T be proud of me for making an unavoidable decision. Besides, I might change my mind in 2 weeks' time when my jobs are done and I have the time to go and do this thing...

I'm NOT happy with this decision, and I'm more scared than I was before I got any treatment at all--what am I DOING???

Comforting thought: I can always go back, and not tell anyone this time 'round. I guess...

Hope you're all well.