Christmas

Oooooooh, I have eaten sooooooo much.  My grandparents, usually so concerned with Not Being Fat, have decided this trip around to be concerned with Feeding Me.  I just got back from Christmas dinner, where I ate soooooo much, and I can't purge because I'm not at my own house in the comfort of my own zone.  I wish I could just let all of this go for a week and bloody enjoy myself, but I just can't. I'm stuck feeling this way.

Man oh man, I am going to come out of this sooooooo fat....

So fat.

I'm in another state, visiting my grandparents for the holidays, right? The land where they wine and dine you for a week.  My grandfather, who's usually so good about asking about my weight told me to forget about it this week and to enjoy myself (GASP!) but how'm I supposed to enjoy myself when I feel like a fat pig all the time?  I can't eat a bite of food without feeling that way. Because I AM a fat pig right now.

I haven't restricted properly, purged, or cut in about a month and a half now (since I got the new GF I haven't been as self-destructive as I've been in the past...) and that's making me feel even worse about not taking care of this "fatty" business--I deserve pain if I can't stop myself from eating, but that's not the way it's been going...

I dunno, man. I don't know how I'm going to come out of this week. December really IS a terrible month for restricting...

The Holidays

So, I am en route right now to my grandparents' house, where they will wine and dine me for a week.  This worries me, as I'm already fat as a cow.  I need to STOP EATING...but I can't!

Oh, the Holidays...

Urgh...

So, I was up reeeeally late last night finishing a final, and overslept this morning, which puts me in the awkward position of being awake with nothing to do before the next train comes. So I went to the station, and to kill time, I figured I'd buy something from Dunkies--NOT COFFEE! I can't *stand* their coffee--it's for emergencies only, see? So, I got...a breakfast sandwich. I feel. So Fat. Bad move, anonymous. Bad move. I've never wanted to puke so badly before in my life. And it's worse, because now I'm guaranteed three full meals today. *sigh* Thursdays, you suck. I will try to minimize the damage, though. Yes. That's what I'll do.
Gross, gross, gross. I can't believe I did that! What a morning...

I'm pretty sure...

...that I'm getting fatter.
Also that this is doing terrible things for my skin.

Do I care enough to stop? Nope. The only thing that's really bothering me right now is the shakiness. And the "being a fatty" thing. That, too.

I hate food.

I do.  I can't avoid it, though.  I've been SO SHAKY lately, I don't know what to do about it. It's only a problem because I'm in a choir, and we've had a series of concerts, and as soon as we get up there to sing, my *entire body* starts shaking.  I think it's from low blood sugar, but I can't bring myself to do the "right" thing and eat a normal meal to take care of it.

Also, because I've been avoiding normal meals, I wind up eating CRAP when I do eat. All sorts of crap. Bad for you shit. I feel like a 10million pound toad in a stuffed-sausage suit. I wish this would just PAY OFF and make me skinny. But that'll never happen as long as I'm eating such crap, even if it is pretty low calorie when you consider the day's "suggested" intake.

I wish vegetables were as easy to obtain as crap food is...

I was *so* good yesterday...

I was *so* good yesterday--I only ate three things! ...but I woke up at three AM hungry. Oh well--you win some, you lose some, and I figure that's worth it.

I've been inordinately tired lately, and my girlfriend inadvertently pointed out that it might be my eating habits yesterday, when I was telling her how good I'd been (because I was really excited about it! I had to share!) She saaid maybe I needed more than a bowl of cereal and a yogurt--she may have a point, but I am addicted to my new ways. Oh well...

Time to get things under control

I am the worst ED person ever.  I...completely gave up for the past week or two, and it's time to get back on track.

How do I know that? Aside from well...the constant eating I've been doing for the past two weeks, you know...Right.

I know that because I bought a jacket.  Mind you, I bought it online, so I didn't get to try it on. Which shouldn't have been a problem, but it is.  I got it in medium, thinking a) that it will be my winter salvation and b) that a medium should be FINE, because EVERYTHING ELSE THAT I OWN IS A MEDIUM BECAUSE I AM A FAT ASS WHO CAN'T CONTROL HER EATING. Right?

WRONG.  It's too small.  This has NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. A MEDIUM...has NEVER BEEN TOO SMALL FOR ME BEFORE.

What. The hell.

So. Starting tomorrow, I'm back on the anti-fatty diet. I hope. Wish me strength, because my lazy ass loves eating and keeping it in farrrrrr too much for my own good. I have a WHOLE WINTER to lose this fatty mcfatterton fatass that I own.

No excuses. Not the new girlfriend, not the relative well-adjustedness of my life. Not the fact that I no longer feel the NEED to hurt myself, which is what started this whole thing. I will not eat because I am a fat ass and don't deserve to eat.

It will help that my family has just gone vegan until Christmas.  I can pretend to play their game.

Oy vey. What an affair...

Fat Forever

I think I'm going to be fat forever

(especially if I can't stop this binging thing)

SO drunk

I am SO drunk. I ate SO much pasta as a result. Boooo! BOOOO! I can't function like this!!!

I have an Eating Problem

(she says as she sits there, typing away while crunching on Cheetos...)
I can't understand how one week, I'll be perfectly content to starve myself, and then the next, I'll be stuffing my face with cheetos, McDonald's, ice cream....ANYTHING that's high in calories.


Monday, the diet starts again.

::sigh:: I am disgusting.

The Other End of the Spectrum

I am definitely in full swing on the other end of the spectrum--eating OUT OF CONTROL.

Disgusting.

I will get back in line on Monday. (Repeats to self. Repetitively.)

New Job

New Job is DEFINITELY going to keep me on track.  Now the only dilemma is the McDonald's, ever so close to my gym.

I don't understand why, but working out makes me RAVENOUSLY hungry--like, "can't stop eating" hungry.  So it will be a new challenge to learn to avoid that particular temptation.  Besides, one can only eat a cheeseburger so many times before it gets old, right?

Fat Ass Fridays has a better ring to it...

...than "Fat Ass Weekends," which is the reality in which I've been living.

Fortunately, I've got a new job that will hopefully keep me from eating too much. Yay! Money AND fewer calories!

We'll see how this week turns out.

Proceed With Caution

I'm trying to decide how to proceed, in the face of a week of binging (though my therapist didn't agree with me that it was binging...whatever.)

I'm pretty sick right now--managed to catch some sort of mild cold, so it's not TOO nasty, but it IS making my life miserable.


I just don't know what to do.

I don't WANT to eat, but I already feel so miserable.  Maybe I'll try sticking to liquids again today, with the knowledge that if I slip up a little, I will NOT give myself leave to slip up a lot. And I will avoid ice cream at all costs today. I just keep messing up and messing up, and it's not helping me one tiny bit, no no no...

urgh...

THINK before you EAT!
So, my boss buys us lunch on Thursdays, which I've gotten around by ordering the smallest salads possible in the past. But today--I don't know WHAT possessed me--I ordered pasta, thinking I would eat a BITE and save the rest for...later or something. But I *ate it all*. And I can't purge because I'm at work, in public. GAH! I don't know what's WRONG with me lately! If I'd been thinking, I would have realized that I would eat it all given the opportunity, binging spree that I'm on, and I would have gone for the salad again. Oh, Lord. I feel so disgusting! I'm so mad at myself. And this was supposed to be my GOOD day! I hate myself so much right now, fat, disgusting pig. I can feeeeeel the fat bouncing on me.
Next time, I'll do better. And I'm hitting the gym hardcore tomorrow. Lord above...

Dear Lord, I'm a MONSTER!

In a moment of delirious "stick it to you, eating problems!" I went to...McDonald's and ordered the grossest thing I could and ATE it, and now I feel sick and I can't purge because I'm in public an hour away from home and I've RUINED my calorie intake for the day and I'm a pathetic failure fat whore of a girl.

GAH!! What is WRONG with me?????

Confessional

I think that people like to blog about their eating disorders because a) it makes them feel less alone and b) they need to confess: to confess when they slip up, binge, purge, whatever. People, by nature, need to share.  And this is something that it's difficult to share with other people, as they tend not to respond well. And yet in these communities, people will respond and keep you going when you think that you can't any more.

My confession: today was supposed to be a liquid diet day. I also ate two green beans, two pieces of pickle, and a slice of bread. And a huge bowl of soup. Though I did purge as much of it as I could (problem mostly solved!)

I am a failure at what I do.

Day Off

Being (relatively) unemployed is no good for me.  On the two days that I work, I'm SO GOOD. I will easily consume less than 700 calories.

BUT.

On the days that I don't work, it's a constant battle to find something to do so that I don't eat, and even if I go to the kitchen to make tea or get a drink, I have to CONSTANTLY FIGHT with myself. I'm disgusting!

So, today is a day off.  I'm going to go to the store and buy some instant, low calorie soups so that I can fool my body into thinking it's eating.  Then I will make some tea.

And beyond that? No plan. Lots of trouble ahead...

Obsession

My therapist says the body has a way of adapting to survive, that hunger is by nature adaptive, and therefore it's natural to become obsessed with food when you start starving yourself.
I hate it.
Let me just fade away in PEACE. I do not want to be tormented with thoughts of disgusting food, taunting me with what I shouldn't have and don't WANT.  It's a cruel trick to think that you want something that you don't.
That being said, I'm obsessed with food.  It's all I think about all day long--what I'm going to eat, what I'm NOT going to eat, whether I'll write about it, how hungry I am, how BEAUTIFUL that hunger is, etc etc etc.  The thoughts won't leave me in peace, and peace is all I ever wanted...

Liquid Diet Day One

I can't say it was a great success, having tallied my calories for the day, but it was a...start.
I LIKE the liquid diet. I'm going to stick with it as long as I can...until Thursday...when my boss buys lunch for us. Ugh.
Wish me luck!
(AND I burned my mouth on the hot broth soup I was drinking, so NO THOUGHT OF FOOD!)

Argh!

Liquid Fast: Day 1: SPOILED!
I came downstairs to make coffee, so my grandmum knew I was awake...and she made me toast with cheese, that I couldn't just toss.

(Moment to breathe)

OK. That's all right. We'll ease into this. Toast today, nothing tomorrow. I like a challenge...

Recovering from the Weekend

So, as previously stated, I decided to give up on the weekends--BAD. DECISION.
I can't. stop. eating.
Tomorrow? My liquid diet starts. No food.
(This will give me a purpose)

Depressed

So, like I said, I've given up on weekends, but today? Today was just a FIASCO. I ate well over 2000 calories--this after nearly a WEEK of eating usually 500 or less (with the occasional 700-900 maybe)
That's just SICK.
And I'm depressed about it. I feel so alone. There's nothing to DO for it. What a day!
Tomorrow, we're back to the diet coke diet. No giving in! NO MORE FOOD. I wish I could just quit it for good. I await the day that willpower no longer eludes me...
:(

Also, When Will I Get Thin?

I have been at this for three weeks now, and only lost about 6 lbs.  I think it's because I can't make myself NOT eat, and once I start eating, it's like...700 calories in a sitting before I can get myself to stop. (Pathetic!)
I want RESULTS. I want to be THINNER. I want BONES to start showing. I want to be what I've always wanted to be: thin.
When's that going to happen?
I AM getting better at this, though. This week, I managed to keep consumption to under 1000 calories (and sometimes MUCH less than that!) every day (until today, which is a weekend, which I've given up on. There is no hope when boredom and family time combine...) And I've been "hungry" less. And I'm learning to get by with less food.
You people have to understand that before, I could eat 3000 calories in a sitting and move on with life.  Now that I've stopped that, it's like shock and awe every time I finish counting up the calories and realize something like "Woah! That was only 671 calories today! Pat on the back!"
I don't think I'll ever be thin. I think my body type rejects that completely.
For example, before I started this, I was 160 lbs at 5'5"--you'd think that I'd be OBESE, but I was merely large.  That's my body type talking.  It's just not fair.
And on that note, some stats:

Height: 5'5"
CW: 154-159 depending on the day/time
HW: 185
LW: 154
GW: 130 or less

WHEN WILL I BE THIN?

more on that sigh

So, I'm pretty good during the week--there are things to occupy me. I'm trying terribly to break my habit of eating when I'm bored, but on weekends? I can't stop. There is NOTHING that will stop me. Not diet coke, not water, not fiber, nothing.
I feel out of control! And I can't even purge!
Does anyone have any advice for handling the weekends?

*sigh*

I've given up on the weekends.

Problem (This is really gross, actually)

So, I don't LIKE to eat, right? Well, I do, but I also really HATE it, and that's another story.
Well, sometimes I do, right?
And I have a problem--I CANNOT purge. I used to be able to, but I guess I've killed my gag reflex because it ain't there any more.  This is TERRIBLE news.
I HATE it.
...Maybe this knowledge will keep me from eating more.

Never Give Up! Never Surrender!

I am wicked bored. I had a very busy morning...but now there's nothing to do. And I REFUSE to give in to the boredom and eat. I feel like I've been so good lately (minus my 700 calorie binge last night--oops! and urgh...) I don't want to ruin it. I've already got to come up with excuses for the weekend, why destroy what I have now? I *LIKE* not eating. It feels so...right.

Also, the idea of eating kind of disgusts me right now--how gross is that?  All the chewing--ugh! The CHEWING!! (Gross!)

Bored bored bored bored....Oh, what to do?

Patience

Patience is a virtue of which I am not possessed. As a means of hurting oneself, I find that not eating leaves something to be desired as a result--in *minutes* you can ruin what took hours, or days, to build (like I just did with a small bag of peanut m&ms...) To do this successfully, you need to have *patience*. I am taking this opportunity as a learning tool. I will come out the better for it.

Today's food? A small (SMALL) arugala and asparagus salad...and a bag of peanut m&ms. Hopefully, I won't progress beyond that. I can't believe I gave in and bought FOOD! Dammit!

Eurgh!

I had 671 calories today. And I feel like I pigged out. (Because I DID! But that's beside the point!)
I think we're entering the irrational phase of this...

Success!

Yesterday, I managed to get away with less than 300 calories, and if I don't eat any more today, I'll be on track for less than 400 today. Oh blessed feeling of purity and control! Stay with me today!

Though, I will say I am beginning to worry a little bit. Everything I read about what I'm doing says it does TERRIBLE things to your body, and can actually make you fatter (says the girl who's five lbs down right now...Right)  I can't help it, though.  It's this innate desire for control and pain, and if I can do it, I can DO it, you know?  You get addicted to this feeling, and it's HARD to break an addiction. Trust me, the smoker.

I'm going to die young, and there's nothing to do for it...

Cravings

What happens if you DON'T give in to a craving?

Right now, I want sushi and cheesy poofs...but I'm not hungry. I just WANT them, and feel like it would be horribly wrong not to fulfill this particular desire.

Lately, it's been chinese food, too, or noodles with sauce, and I've given in every time. It's time to lay down the law and just say NO! ...after this, that is.

(I have a very hard time saying no to cravings...)

Gratuitous Fatty Post

Me

No Dinner.

I pigged out today. There is no justifying that. I have to find a way to avoid family dinner. What a stressful weekend...

Family and Food

It's awfully hard to avoid food when you're home with your family.  But I'm learning. Hopefully.  It makes me feel guilty, and awful, and not like a good person to have consumed as much food as I have today.  I need a break from food. Right now.
I've always hated that food and family were so intertwined.  You can't have one without the other--there's no escaping it in my family.  When we gather, we eat.  And we eat a LOT. It's embarrassing, in a way (when you think about it.) I need to learn to break away from that. Be a free person. Make better excuses...
Jiggling thighs. Jiggling bellies. Losing control. Lack of purity.  These are all things I do not want. These are all things associated with Eating.
Anyway, I'm done rambling for now. Wish me luck.

What Do I Seek?

AKA Why am I doing this?
This is a serious question, because without goals, you won't get anywhere.
Most people do this out of a desire to be thin. I mean, that's there, too, but it's definitely not my driving goal. Why do I do this?
I do this because I seek CONTROL. In a world filled with chaos and pain, you've GOT to have control over something.
I do this because I seek PURITY.  There is no better feeling than the empty you get when you don't eat: the clean feeling you can't get anywhere else.
II do this because I seek PAIN.  I deserve it. Don't ask ME why, I don't know. But I do know that I deserve every inch of pain that I get.
But I fear that these goals aren't strong enough. Maybe I should start seeking THIN as well...

Blah Blah Blah...

I did SO WELL today, maxing at under 600 calories...until I got home and ate a full meal. And tomorrow, I'm not working, so my chances of doing so well are even less. :(
Why do I have to go and ruin everything??
Well, here's hoping tomorrow will be better, and I can live up to my expectations.

binge binge binge

Note to self: when avoiding food, avoid food. Otherwise, all is lost...

Obsession

I am obsessed with food. I cannot get it out of my head. Today, all I've done is sit on my fat ass and consume almost 700 calories, and I'm not done yet. This is a disaster! I'm supposed to be getting back on track!
I need strength! Fortitude! Dedication and Perseverance! HELP!

There IS no comfort...

So, in my bingeing, I've been looking around for comfort and solace in various other websites, but I realized today that there IS no comfort to be found. You deserve every moment of pain for your lapse.

Tomorrow, I get back on track...

FAT WHORE

I GIVE UP!

I am a fat whore.

I cannot abstain in the face of food. New environments prove difficult to adjust to...HELP!

Being home is hard

Today started out so well, but then drizzled into oblivion as the day progressed.

I got donuts for my fam, intending to eat one (and only one) as my meal until the dinner I know I'd be forced to eat rolled around, so I ate it...but there is SO MUCH FOOD available here, it was a sick gorgefest. I ate bacon (BACON!!) and lunch meat, and who even knows what all else and I felt like I couldn't stop myself. Not to mention that my mother's cooking, so the whole house smells like delicious--how is one supposed to prevail under such conditions, I ask you?? And THEN, my brother took me out to lunch, where I tried to be VERY good (miso soup and seaweed salad), but now I just feel bloated and ill. Too. Much. Food. (Though my calorie tracker says that I've only eaten about 700 calories, so maybe I'm still OK...)

And I KNOW there's going to be a family dinner, which I'll have to eat. ::sigh::

I'm never going to win.

To forestall any further slips, though, I stocked up on diet cokes, yes indeedy! So maybe that will help au futur.

(Good luck to me! HELP!)

::sigh::

I gave in BIG time. I had a full meal last night, and then some, and another one this morning. I take it for granted that I'm going to be able to last the day on as little food as possible, and then I have to give in.

I feel fat. I've been overweight my whole life, and this is not making it any better. I need to be thin and beautiful. I need to be hungry in order to feel alive. I need to start drinking more tea and diet coke--I swear there's a magic ingredient in diet coke that lets you get away with not eating if you drink it when you're hungry--and start eating less.

I'm visiting family this weekend. I hope I can be strong around them.

weakness and revelation: two disparate subjects

I broke down and bought a 400 calorie pastry today, after I promised myself the salad would be enough. I'm disappointed, and disgusted with the rate at which I scarfed it down.

In other news, I can't keep my big mouth shut, and told my therapist what I was doing, but something good came of it: I had a revelation. I realized that nothing in my life has ever felt so right as what I'm doing right now. I need MORE of it! I need it, in the immortal words of Kanye, "harder, faster, stronger."

I want a steady influx of hunger pangs and diet coke to tide them over. I want MORE. It's hard to explain, but nothing's ever felt so right before. I know this is unsustainable, but it's making me ultimately very happy right now. I can relish the feelings of accomplishment and disappointment and purity. I feel like I'm in charge of something. I'm getting what I deserve at the same time, for what is this life without a little suffering, anyway?

So, as disappointed as I am by my weakness today, hopefully I will have the strength to persevere, to continue on in this battle of wills, to thrive in the purity of cleansing my body of unnecessary elements...

Wish me luck, and good luck to you all!

Tonight I skip dinner

Tonight, I am skipping dinner. I am doing it because I deserve it, and because it makes me feel right again. I will not engage in mastication.

I will not snack, either. Snacking is the deadly enemy that ruins it all, because once you start, you can't stop.

I wish it wasn't so late, or I'd seek out a diet coke.

It can't be bad to miss dinner, anyway. You're not supposed to eat after 7 pm anyway, and it's already 10. So there. Justified. I should just brush my teeth and go to bed.

Tomorrow, we start anew in our plan, trying to avoid food. It's a problem, because my boss buys us lunch on Thursdays, but perhaps I can get away with having a salad tomorrow and let that suffice for the day. Like I said, I don't NOT eat, I just try not to.

I just wish I had someone to talk with me and support me in my efforts.  I know this is sort of a sick thing to do, but it's nice to play at having control in at least one aspect of life, you've got to understand that. I do not approve of this way of life, but I do live it. ...From time to time.

I hope I don't give in. I want to get away with this for a month. At least.

Food Is The Enemy

I long ago decided that food is the enemy.
I'm looking for support in my attempts not to eat.
I am not a skinny person, and never will be, even if I starve myself for decades.  Skinny is not the goal.  I like the purity you feel when you don't eat, the control it gives you in your life.
I go back and forth between eating out of control and controlling what I eat, and right now we're in a controlling phase, but it's really lonely. You can't talk to your best friend and tell him/her that you aren't eating right now, please help, because they'll tell you that you need help.
I'm not anorexic.  I can't NOT eat at all, but I can control what goes in to a certain extent, make it as minimal as possible.
If you think you can be supportive, please feel free to comment and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can.  I just need a friend in this, or I'm going to give in again and start eating like a monster...