Sorry!

I've been remiss in my 'diligent posting' duties!

I can't help it! I don't even know what to say any more. I'm so confused. I want to continue in my ways, so badly...but a part of me also wants to eat 'normally'--not 'get better', no. I'm still being my piggish self.

I need help. I can't do this any more, this arguing with myself, telling myself how bad I am all the time--it can't be healthy, right? But it feels like the right thing to DO, see?

I refuse to eat until I meet with my nutritionist and get a sense of what a normal person can eat without getting fat--because I REFUSE to gain weight

The healthy instincts are at war with my instincts...I guess you COULD call them 'unhealthy,' I mean, who knows?

All I know is that this is all very hard. Very, very hard, and I don't like it.

So I have an "eating disorder"

So what. You know what sucks? Having all the symptoms of an ED without being skinny. Sucks balls.

I hate this. All this sorting through everything. The newest theory? That I have either OCD or OCD-like inclinations.

I'm just tired. I want everything to go away.

This whole ordeal--it's like someone poked me in a tender spot. I'm reacting in a major way. I've never been this awful about treatment for other things before, you know? I'm scaring myself...

The 'Good News/Bad News' Game

Good news: my loan went through, so I'm officially (finally) graduating! ...once I pay off the $51 late fee. Yeah...

Bad news: I'm officially getting FAT. Scale hovering between 143-145instead of its old 140-143. Thighs egregiously large. Fat growing on arms. Belly growing. Disgusting. FAT. Time to break it down, cut out the junk food in my life (maybe all fats, too) and STOP. BINGEING.

Good news: I'm in lurve (I can't even say the word, I've been avoiding scaring her off so much, haha) and she's right there with me!

Bad news: I'm too exhausted to enjoy the good things in my life. And I'm fat.

Good news: I have a lot of support in my life.

Bad news: I don't know how to use it/listen to it.

Good news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind.

Bad news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind...

This game could go on and on....let me speak to the last piece. I am not well yet. I am also not as sick as I was. Part of me wants to get better. Part of me does not. This program, if I leave it now, will leave me this half-transmogrified mass of MESSY that can neither cope with the world, nor with food, but must deal in both. That's a scary prospect. I want to either be most of the way healed when I leave this motherfucking program, or completely ill--not this messy, ugly halfway place that I'm in now. I'm too vulnerable right now...

I hate food.

I HATE it. I feel SO out of control!! And it's all damnable 'recovery's' fault.

Unfortunately, this means that I need the program, though. I've come to the realization that I can't risk falling apart in my new jobs because I haven't consumed anything, so I'm trying to work a balance out with that (maybe they'll help with it? Yeah right...) I'm thinking that I can go back to my Instant Breakfast in the morning and cheese stick and diet coke for lunch, because even though I have to eat dinner and that's a lot of calories, it's no more than I'd normally eat with my evening binges, right? So now I just have to find out how to stop the evening binging. *sigh* Any recommendations would be MORE than welcome!

Also, I'm completely helpless once I've eaten too much. I get thrown into fits of huge anxiety that can only be allayed by puking, and I'm so tired of overeating and puking. I need them to help me stop that, and I need them to help me stop that *soon*!

I feel so fat. I wish I could just not eat in peace. If only my brain would let me not eat....

I don't have too much to say

I'm exhausted. And my 'team'--every single one of 'em--seems to be overly concerned for my safety, which is beginning to concern me.

I told a friend I was in treatment yesterday, and how I felt about it. Then I felt guilty.

I wish I could just simply not eat again. (Those were the days, my friends...) Life was simpler then. Much, much simpler in many ways. I'm already planning tonight's binge. *sigh*

I hate being such a failure at everything I want to be good at.

some sort of update

I think that recovery--or more properly, 'recovery'--is the worst torture ive ever inflicted upon myself, and if I were a quitter, I would have quit by now, it's so painful.

Problem: I can't eat. They require you to eat.
Problem: I can't not eat. I can't STOP once I get started--the overwhelming dinner that they force on me in the program turns into what amounts to a warm-up meal, as I go home and eat and eat and eat. And then I puke. Most of the time. It's *so scary* feeling so out of control. And they all chalk it up to "oh, it's just your body reacting to starvation"--like HELL it is! I may not be the most in tune with my body possible, but I can tell the difference between a starvation binge and the other kind of 'out of control.'

Problem: I'm stuck. Everyone was like "just try it out--if you don't like it, you can go back to what you were doing before"--WRONG. Now that I'm eating so much, I'm *deathly* afraid that if I go back to not eating, I'm going to lose it and wind up in the hospital again.

This whole thing is so beyond frustrating, from the process itself, to dealing with the insurance, to thinking about how my actions will affect others, to this, to that--every aspect of this process has some kind of pain attached to it, and I hate it. Am I even into the idea of recovering? No. Then why do I keep going back? I do not know. (Because I'm not a quitter? Because a part of me wants to recover? Because I like the attention?? Because I feel like it's my last chance?? I DO NOT KNOW!!)

So, I put up with the weighing of my fat ass, I struggle through disgusting dinners, I deal with people telling me my thinking is distorted...for another day. (But not today! It's such a *relief* to not have to go in today....)

I just wish it could all go away. I'm so tired. Tired, tired, tired, tired.

I just want to be thin, and hungry most of the time. Is that so much to ask?

Attacked by Lunch

Free food at training: be a douche and skip it? Or feed my fat ass? Guess which one I picked....

Problems

I already e-mailed someone about this, but it's driving me CRAZY!
I'd forgotten that once I start eating, I literally cannot stop. Can. Not. Stop. It's embarrassing! And fattening!

Fortunately, I haven't gained any weight from this...yet...but it's only a matter of time, you know? I've *GOT* to cut this off, and I just feel so helpless against it.

And so, I HAVE to eat this egregiously large dinner three days a week at this program, right? And THAT pisses me off, too--not just because of the portions, but because of the timing. My ritual is to go home, check the mail, and eat (and then maybe--MAYBE--puke.) This means that with this forced meal, I am now eating TWICE in one evening, and I do not have the power to fight it. I'm weak.

And on TOP of that, my daytime restriction has gone out the window. Literally. Gone. Buh bye! So I'm over eating. All. Day. Long. I need HELP to stop this viscious, ugly cycle of fatness. Please?? Help me??

And THEN, someone eked the secret that I'm in an ED program out of me. I am royally pissed off and annoyed about that. Now, said person thinks that I'm taking care of myself, when CLEARLY I'm not, and may never actually do so beyond surface concerns. It makes me want to cry, the whole situation. :(

I just need input. Advice. Guidance and help. I want to get back on the path to Thin. Not this overindulgant, puke-filled path that I'm on now. I want to starve myself again, and I want to be good at it, for once...

C is for Cookie...

I made cookies. Now I can't stop eating them. Fat.

Oh

And I'm done with my undergraduate education. Yay.

I want to cry a little bit

Too much food forced on me, PMS, and a series of overwhelming events has rendered me a shivering glob of former humanity.

I hate how much food I've been eating! I HATE it! I want to be thin, to wither away...fade away.

Thought: when asked about my relationship with my body, I realized it's nonexistant. Undefineable. The closest thing I could come up with was that of a master and a "good slave", the kind you never notice until you decide to punish him/her. My body is so below my attention, I use it merely to convey me from point A to point B. ...but your body has to be so much more than that to you--your body IS you,and you are your body.

But when it comes down to it, I don't hate my body. At least, not in a special way. I hate myself, and that's why I do these terrible things to myself (sick, right?) I hate my body as an extension of that self-hatred.

And I am fat, fatter, fattest. And I...don't feel well with the world. All is not well.

Dilemmas, Dilemmas, Dilemmas...

I want to eat like I normally do--my breakfast drink in the morning, my cheese stick at lunch...but I can't because these people are forcing me to eat so much at dinner time. *sigh* So I'm going to just starve all day. I guess until they catch on...

Day One

I'm not going to die there--I might get FAT, they make you eat so much, but I'm not going to die. Everyone's really nice.
They are The Enemy.

I'm so torn between wanting to be healthy, wanting to continue to lose weight, and wanting to keep my self-destructive habits. I have 8% Healthy Voice in my head, and 92% Unhealthy Voice going on. I do not know how this battle is going to turn out...

Nerves

I'm going into the OP program this evening--SO NERVOUS. WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING??? I don't need this! I'm not bad enough! I'm hardly even at the brink of qualifying for help. Plus? I am a fat ass. I won't fit in.

Things I Already Find Humiliating:
*Supervised dinners with food requirements
*The fact that they weigh my fat ass--I am not even CLOSE to underweight: there is NO NEED for that!
*The fact that once they weigh my fat ass, they won't even let me know the fat numbers.

I'm already angry, and the program hasn't even started. And I'm nervous. And I can't talk about it with any one because the only people who know are my aunt in another state, my fake mother in another state, and my therapist. GAH!

I should be more excited...

I stepped on the scale nekkid this evening just for the hell of it, even though I pigged out this evening because I have no self control and am a fat pig...and it was just a little above 140! This is EXCELLENT news!! 5 lbs closer to my 130 goal! ...but I just can't get excited. Because I'm a fat pig.

Also, I can't get out of my head the "blind weighing" they did at the ED center today--how embarrassing is that??? THEY get to see how much your fat self weighs, and YOU have to just stand there and look at the wall...I wonder what my real weight is (I've been using my grandmother's scale, which is pretty old.) I'll bet it's something awful like 147 or higher, especially with all my clothes on. URGH. I DO NOT HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS. I can quit any time. I can quit any time. I can quit any time....

I wish I wasn't so fat. I will tell you one thing now--no matter what, I will NOT lose sight of the weight loss goal. I WILL continue to lose weight...

uh oh....

This is going to be intense. AND they don't want me talking about my ed/ed behaviours with anyone outside of the program. Fortunately, this is not talking.

Ohhhhh boy. Oh boy oh boy oh boy....

oops

I really did just eat like a pig. More shame.
AND
I can't puke because I went to church today and had Communion and you're not supposed to throw up after that for the rest of the day (don't ask me why, I couldn't explain it. I'm sorry...) *SIGH*

Unworthy

I feel unworthy to post here now on several levels: one being that I've been eating like a pig (thanks to my family and their going out to eat these past two days...and you can't be ungrateful and say "no thanks" and you can't NOT eat and this and that--always some excuse...) and two I've decided to go into that dumb clinic.

This is not my first choice. I would rather just starve slowly for a while longer. But when you make someone cry, it really gets to you, especially if that someone is a person for whom you care deeply. I don't want to be the cause of her hurt. So I have to do something.

Yes, I realize I can go and try it out, and if it sucks, just go back to my ways, but the thing is, then I'll still be hurting my girlfriend, and I can't HAVE that. I feel so trapped. Caught. In between a rock and a hard place.

Sometimes, I think it would be easier if I just didn't exist. Don't get me wrong--I'm not even close to suicidal right now. Just...it would be easier. Then, I wouldn't have all these dumb things to sort through, from my mental health to everything else in the world.

Now pardon me--I have to go eat like a pig...(NOT. What is WRONG with me??? I JUST WANT TO STARVE A LITTLE BIT.)

Hoo boy...

My eating habits made my girlfriend cry.

I have an intake appointment on Monday at the ED clinic.

Hooooooooo boy...

Guess what today is???

Well, yes. It IS Cinco de Mayo, but more importantly it's the last day of classes of my seven year undergraduate career!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!! in case you can't tell.) Ergo, it is a holiday in my head.

This morning, I put my capris on (still too cold for that, but whatevs. Hope springs eternal)--they're four inches too big! And my belt? Also too big! I had to put another notch in it! (and I didn't put it in the right place, so it's still slightly too big, but it's an improvement on what was there, haha) So I guess things aren't going too badly.

I'm still trying my new diet plan. Yes, I know it's bad for you. I am worried about energy and concentration levels. By the time I got out of the hospital last time I did this, I barely had the energy to pick up my bags and walk to the bus station. I HAVE to get through finals. And if that means eating some, I'll do it. And then I'll get RIGHT BACK ON the wagon. I WILL make it through finals. I WILL lose more weight. I WILL do this because I deserve it. And so it goes.

I hope you ladies are enjoying this lovely day (well...not so lovely here: it's 50* and grey, BUT it is a lovely day in my head. Therefore you should all enjoy it! :)

2%

I had 2% milk today after months of skim only--it was like putting *cream* in my cereal! Gross! I can't believe that's all I would drink for years!

What is WRONG with me? I'm on an eating spree...again. I think I need to hearken back to my days in the hospital, where I wouldn't eat all day but for the food that people brought me during visitor hours. THAT'S when I had strength. THAT'S when I lost the most weight. I need to go back to that. I'm being weak, having "breakfast" and lunch and dinner, no matter how tiny they are. I need to fast all day, have a small amount of food in the evening, and not eat anything else after that. I'm too comfortable right now. I'm also too fat. One needs to shake up one's world from time to time: change things up, get out of one's comfort zone. This is my verdict: starting tomorrow, it's back to starvation during the day. The only problem is what to eat at night. It was nice in the hospital, because I was limited to what people brought in. In the real world, I get to make my own decisions. This is problematic...one "meal" only. 600 cal or less. This is all I will eat.

Guilt?

Sorry for three in one day. I guess I'm in a posting kind of mood (I get really verbose sometimes, eh?)

So, do any of you ever feel guilty about what you're doing? I don't mean the normal guilt of "There are starving people out there and I'm puking/starving myself on purpose"--that's an established guilt. I mean guilty that you're doing this to yourself when you know the results are not pretty--heart palpitations, medical complications, etc. Guilty that you're digging yourself deeper and deeper into a hole that's progressively harder to escape, you know?

On one of the other blogs that I read, this "Anonymous" keeps posting about the dangers of what we're doing, as if it's something that's stoppable. I'm sorry, but the way I eat/do not eat is not something that I can stop at this point...but I feel like it should be. I just...don't know. She's making me feel really guilty, and like I'm playing at something. Maybe I am, but it certainly doesn't feel that way.

Pictures of you, pictures of me

I want to post pictures to show the progress I've made, but a) I'm too embarrassed because I'm still SO FAT and b) I don't have any comparison shots because when I started, I took some fat pictures, but deleted them because they were so embarrassing. I guess I'll take some now so that when I get thin, I can compare to now?

Also, I feel like my blog is boring because I never post any interesting links or pictures. But I don't have any interesting links or pictures! Just my words! (And whiny words they are, at that!) So THANK YOU for still reading. It makes me happy to know you're out there, and your comments make my day (even if I don't respond right away--when I'm on my phone instead of my computer, I can't post comments for some reason...?)

Fat

I feel fatter now than I did at 162...(Ugh!)

Hunger

No, Tummy--you do NOT get more!

This, I realized, is what I have to tell my stomach to curb the Massive Eating Spree of 2011. I guess I've just gotten used to eating to make myself full. Just gotta wait that hunger out, and then it'll go away like a good little girl.

waiting, waiting, waiting--my life is spent in waiting

Waiting for the *bus*, waiting for the *train* waiting for class to start...etc. I spend a LOT of time waiting. Right now, I'm waiting for the bus to school. Good times...

So, yesterday was the Walk for Hunger--we started at 8:50, and didn't finish until 4:30. Pathetic. Mind you, this was with breaks. Walking 20 miles was challenging, especially because I have a bad hip--about 2 miles in I was ready to call it quits. Yeah. Pathetic. I ate soooooo much yesterday, too, but you know what? It kept me going. (Only things I don't have an excuse for are the foods I ate *after* the walk...) I decided about 8, 9 miles in that calories were the answer to my flagging self. And you know what? They were. Sadly. I picked right up after eating a scone. So sad.

But today, I am determined to once more be good. Breakfast = 150 cal, lunch = 70 cal, snack = 100 cal, and dinner remains to be seen. (I need a plan!!! I cannot function without one!!! Maybe I will have nonfat cottage cheese and fruit?)

I'm finding it really difficult not to eat at night, and I've been really thirsty for caloried drinks. I'm gonna get fatter!!!! When I need to get thinner!!! Wah!

I've been hovering between 142 and 145 lately. I'd like to bring it down into the 130s range, and if cutting my calories back doesn't do it, I guess I'll have to start exercising, too (though I'm afraid of that--asthma, bad hip, and GINORMOUS post-workout appetite. Yeah...) We'll see. Maybe next week I can have the energy to do that.

Oh! I totally forgot! Crisis resolved! The MD essentially told me missing one dose wouldn't kill me, and it didn't! I was just so worried--lithium is NOT shit to mess around with, and I'd never missed a dose before. Also? I was SO angry about flushing that money down the toilet (shit's expensive, you know?) So yeah. That's that.

Hope all's well with you ladies!