How stupid am I?

So, some background: I'm taking my last two classes to graduate, three years after I was supposed to graduate. This is my last shot at it, basically. If I fail, I'll have to go to some other school or something to finish it up. No bueno.

I was talking to my therapist today, and she said, "What are your priorities for the next seven weeks?"

I dunno.

"Let me take a guess. On the one hand, we have food. On the other, we have classes and graduation"

::nod:: (sure, why not?)

Then she proceeded to explain that I'm basically sabotaging myself with this food thing, and it would be good to think about the reason why--probably because I'm scared of graduation.

Well, I AM sabotaging myself, I guess, but I swear to God it's not because I'm afraid of graduating. I've had THREE YEARS to think this over. I'm actually really annoyed with myself for messing things up so badly, but I can't...I just...I can't fix it right now!

She wants me to eat 1500 calories a day for the next 7 weeks. I can't do that. I guess my priorities really ARE screwed up. WTF?

(I need help.)

I am convinced...

that God is humbling me, making me work so hard to get into an ED program. All I have to say is that if I get in, I'd damn well BETTER get something out of it!

all my tools are disappearing!!

So, I don't have a job that pays enough right now, and it's causing me considerable distress in many areas of my life. It's latest manifestation? I'm running out of supplies for avoiding food, and I can't replace them!!! No more diet cokes, running low on low-cal gatorade (which my doctor insisted upon to keep my electrolytes up with the lithium), and I'm almost out of cigarettes (which are *wildly* expensive in this state! I *am* quitting--I hope--but my free supply of the patch hasn't come yet. Homie needs her nicotine!!!)

This all adds up to "no bueno!" I don't know what I'm going to dooooooooo... *sigh*

Also, am I a complete weirdo? I basically don't eat all day, and have most of my calories at night time (I don't like going to bed with gnawing hunger in my belly. Also? It's really hard to avoid evening food around family, so it's best to save up the calories for it) Does anyone else do this??

I'm on my "lunch" break at work right now. I SO wish that I had a diet coke...and another cigarette or two. *sigh*

Fears and Ramblings

So, I've been thinking a lot lately. Not enough, but a lot. And some of it's been about getting better. I realized that it's a nice idea...but the process involves EATING. Now, if I were still in my crazy purging place, that wouldn't bother me so much, but since I've started restricting seriously, it DOES bother me. They are going to want me to eat three meals a day, and those meals are going to have to be more than 200 calories each.

I...I don't know how they're going to get me to DO that, because you can't just take a person who's been doing her own thing and all of a sudden make her change that. No! You've got to ease into it.

Besides, part of the reason I don't eat "normally" is that I never learned how to eat normally. I mean, seriously, c'mon! Growing up? A vegetable was defined as a can of green beans split between six people.

They're going to have to teach me before I even consider eating again.

I'm also really, REALLY afraid that I'm going to gain all the weight I just lost back and balloon up again. Now really, there's NO need for me to gain weight. In fact, I'm finally *approaching* the "healthy" weight range for my height (never mind that probably the reason I'm so heavy is mostly because of my bones--THAT'S making excuses. I am a fat ass and there's no getting around it. I want to be TINY. That's why the current goal is to lose as much weight as possible during these three weeks...)

I just...I don't know how I feel about all of this. Honestly, I don't think that I should need help. This is just about the stupidest thing I've ever done to myself--I should be able to just pick up where I left off, just start eating again, and all my problems would be solved (except they won't be. I have a lot of hidden shit that I have to deal with.) I shouldn't need help to do that--if I could just put my head on right, then I could suck it up and deal on my own...but I can't. I can't just eat. I can't bring myself to do it, and when my body takes over and makes me eat, I feel like a fat, disgusting, gross pig and then I feel like I need to either purge or cut.

In other news, and in a lemony twist of irony, I signed up to do the Walk for Hunger--it's a 20 mile walk. THAT should be interesting (seeing as I've never done more than maybe 5 miles before in my life...) But it's a good cause, and my girlfriend's doing it, so.. ;)

I should stop rambling now. I have other fears, but they haven't been voiced yet. I'll ramble some more when I figure them out. In the MEANwhile, I've got to go take a midterm I haven't studied for. PEACE, HOMIES!

Out of diet coke!!

Ruh roh! I'm alllllll out of diet coke, and I have 0 cashdollaz in the bank to buy more! WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOOOOOOOO???????

I BEAT THE 150 MARK!!!!!!

149, Baby!! Only 4 lbs away from my first goal setting, 19 away from the second!

(I shouldn't be so excited, I'm still a fat pig, but...I was 160 or higher for SO LONG, and now? Now this!!!!)

I HATE my period

I swear, I've eaten more chocolate in the past three days than I have in an entire MONTH!!! (Which is still not a lot, but it's NOT doing good things for my morale...) I feel like SUCH a fatty!

I wish my dumb period WOULD just go away and leave me alone (well, except for the implications for childbearing some day--I *would* like to have a kid or three eventually...)

So, I took an adderall at 7 to study (failed experiment, that...) andit's still in my system and now it's bedtime and I am positively WIRED!! Well, wide awake, anyway. Not sure what to do about that...

My friend today kept telling me that I'm tiny (!!)--how exciting is that?? Now if only it were true, I'd be a happy camper. When my BMI is in a healthy or low range, THEN I'll believe them (even if my clinician at the OP program told me "BMI is--pardon my language--bullshit.")

Waiting, waiting, waiting...

I don't think I can keep doing this. It's REALLY bad for me. It fucks up my moods, and it shoots my concentration, and it's really just a miserable existence. I hope this insurance issue takes less time to settle than I'm thinking it will.

The really stupid thing? This is COMPLETELY in my hands. If I wanted to, I could totally just start eating again, and everything would be all right. Except that I can't. I can't bring myself to do that.

I hate to post in the morning...

...Because everything can go wrong later in the day, but so far TODAY? Things have been ok. I'm sticking to the Plan.

The only thing I'm worried about is that classes start again today, which means I'll be on campus this evening, which means my friend might wanna catch dinner, which means one of two things: 1) she'll either notice how little I'm eating or 2) I'll completely pig out in the face of MASSIVE QUANTITIES OF FOOD available. *sigh* I wish I could control myself better in the face of the enemy...

out of control some?

I've been GRAZING since 3:30 this afternoon!!! That's almost FIVE HOURS!

And I CAN'T puke, because the toilet upstairs, out of the way from everyone, is OUT of comission....

Hoooo boy. Well, tomorrow we'll stick to a plan, because the weekend will be over, and there will be More Structure...

Non-Productivity and the Valley of Temptation

I'm NOT getting anything done, and I've been "at it" since about 9 this morning (it's just past 2:30 now...) I just can't CONCENTRATE! I almost don't care, except that this is my last chance at school, and I can't blow it. ::sigh::

I have a food plan for the day:
B: Instant B-fast (150 cal)
2 small cookies (100 cal)
L: skim milk (90 cal)
diet coke? (o cal)
D: soup with the girl (that CAN'T be more than 300 calories, right???)

This all comes to 640 cal. I have 20 cal worth of Gatorade left that I might have to drink, too, but overall? Not too shabby.

I just hope that tonight, I don't wake up because I'm hungry again....

Oh, but this afternoon? I swear I walked through the Valley of Temptation. I went downtown to try to get some homework done, and I SWEAR there's every type of cheap food place you can imagine (and I'm HUNGRY. I would never admit it to anyone who asked me if I WANTED food, but I'm so hungry right now...) and the temptation--oh! The temptation! But I stuck to my food plan and wandered right through. Got my milk at Starbucks (they didn't even charge me because they didn't have the short size in cold cups and I guess he felt guilty charging me for half a tall?) and went right on! ...Now I just have to do that AGAIN on my way back. ::SIGH:: Wish me luck!

Worries

So, I'm really worried that I'm not going to have the energy to be a good girlfriend over the course of the next three weeks.

As much as I pretend to ignore it, I know that not eating is really, really bad for me. It fucks up my moods, first and foremost, and it leaves me in this sort of fuzzy state, where I'm not really functioning.

Like...last night for instance. My girlfriend was REALLY in the mood...but I was not. And I think it's because I didn't eat enough during the day.

But I'm REALLY determined to stay the course, and be really, really sick for these three weeks of waiting to see if I can change insurances/get into the ED program. I want to make the most of it.

I do not understand my ED. It sort of started as a way to hurt myself, because I'm into that. Then, when I was in the hospital, it turned into a control issue, and then it turned into a genuine desire to lose weight. But I think the other two things (hurting myself and control) are still there.

My therapist thinks I'm lumping my anxiety with my eating habits, that I'm doing this so that I don't have to think about anything else. And you know what? I don't know if she's right or not.

If I got ONE thing out of the OP program I was in, it's that I do not for the life of me understand my emotions. I can't talk about them! And I think that's key to "getting better" (which as of today? I don't want to do. I only want to get better for my girlfriend's sake, because I don't want to hurt her...)

So....I'm just really worried that I'm going to be a miserable GF until I get the help that I need, and who KNOWS when that'll be... :(

Miracle Drink

So, someone from the ana/mia chronicles suggested a whey drink for post-running to avoid the food craze, so I bought some yesterday (ED shopping list: Carnation Instant Breakfast-150 calories w/ skim milk, whey protein drink--220 calories w/ skim milk, low-cal gatorade to keep the electrolytes up-45 cal/bottle, gum->5 cal/piece, skim milk-90 cal/serving...)

It was like a slow-setting-in MIRACLE. I drank 1 scoop with about 6 oz of skim milk when I got hungry (and let me tell you, it was DISGUSTING, but I slogged it down), and then I *started* to binge--browsing the kitchen for foods (starting with the smart ones--vegetables, because vegetables "don't count")...and in the middle of it? I couldn't eat any more. I kept my calories to less than 700 yesterday (or at LEAST less than 800--I lost a little track somewhere in there.) I think that's a GREAT start to my three week diet. Now, I just have to keep it up.

Now, I have to make some decisions. I haven't been counting the calories in my morning/afternoon coffee. Now, since I'm pretty much poverty stricken right now and can't afford cream for my homemade coffee, it hasn't been too much of a problem, but when I go out to study at Starbucks or Peet's or wherever, it IS a problem. It bothers me that I don't know how many calories I'm consuming there. So I think that starting tomorrow, it does count. Gotta keep track of these things.

Goal for the day/week/month? Less than 600 cal (which might be a problem because I was up to 250 by 9 am....)

Fuck.

So, the ED clinic doesn't take my current insurance, and I have to switch to another version of it, which involves them mailing me a form (7-10 business days), me sending it back, and then they have to approve the change. So, I'm not going to get any help for probably 3 weeks or so, and in 3 weeks or so, am I even going to WANT help? Or is that little voice inside my head that says "Dude, you need help!" going to be completely shut up???

The director of the program said "It sounds like you have a serious eating disorder"--bullshit. I do not. I have a very, very mild ED.

That said, I'm going to try to get back down to 600 cal/day. I've been eating too much, and I do not like the b/p cycle.

I'm going to eat as little as possible in these 3 weeks--see how much weight I can lose...

I just saw my therapist

We spent a LOT of time talking about eating. She thinks (and I agree) that it's one of the major reasons I wound up in the hospital. She wants me to go to one of the local ED centers for their intensive outpatient programs.

::SIGH::

As much as I rail against it, a small (very small!) part of me realizes that I need to get better to move along with my life (I want to go into social work, and you can't get started in it if you're still fucked up...) I'm considering the program. (But ONLY if they can still help me lose weight)

I mean...it's not like I can't pick this up again later if their method doesn't work, right?

I'm just...I'm scared. This isn't sustainable! I can't kep resticting, restricting, restricting, BINGE! PURGE! restricting, restricting...etc. It doesn't work! I swear, if I could possibly just NOT EAT, I would. I HATE food, so much. But I can't. And I'm screwing up.

Maybe I'll give it a try, see what happens, and if it doesn't help, go RIGHT BACK to the viscious cycle I'm doing right now...Maybe.

Crap!

Crap crap crap CRAP!

I'm finishing up the OP program tomorrow, but last night I had this revelation that the work just wasn't DONE yet, so I called my clinician and left a message about going to the evening IOP program...turns out my insurance won't cover it. BUT she gave me a bunch of other options...and they're ALL for EDs!!!!!!! WAH!!!!

And I'm so desperate for HELP that I'm almost willing to go, even though a) I don't think that I even HAVE an ED and b) I DON'T want to fix things in the eating department yet (20 more pounds, remember??)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!

*SIGH*

(Posting from my phone, as there's no guarantee of internet tonight...)

I had a chat with my clinician today. I told her I was doing a-ok, and she asked me about my concentration. I told her honestly that it's been shot lately, I've lost my motivation and my concentration. She said "Do you think that's maybe because you're a little bit depressed??" all sarcastically.

THEN, she asked me if I was still engaging in Behaviors (aka cutting, restricting, etc) I was pretty honest. She launched into me about the ED, how I'm the only one who can get myself out of it, it's like locking yourself in a cage and you're the only one with the keys, etc. This is damaging to you, yaddah yaddah. Weight is just a number, BMI is bullshit, you need to accept the facts. Weighing as much as you did when you were 13 is no good, you were a different person then. Etc. (It went on for a long time)

I'm so frustrated!I explained that I can't eat, she said that's because I'm a concrete thinker. But I CAN'T eat normally! Truly! I never, ever learned how, and quite frankly, restricting is MUCH better than what I WAS doing.

I...I just don't know what to do with all of this. My ED? Not that bad. But everyone's making a HUGE deal out of it.

I fucking hate food.

I can't handle all of this. It's my nature to try to please everyone, and in this matter, I just can't.

I think I'm going to try jogging once I get home--get me out of the triggering house, burn some calories, burn off some frustration...

I'm supposed to be doing homework right now...

(I MEANT to go to Starbucks and get a short coffee, but the space there was limited aka NOT AVAILABLE, so I went to Chipotle's--next door for the WiFi--instead. ::SIGH:: Fat forever...)

So, I met someone with a REAL ED in the program today. I heard her talk about how it ruined her life...and I still don't want to get better. I want to get worse. I want to be stick thin, and still feel like it's not enough. Someone told me today that my face looked "healthy"--I could've killed her a little bit. "Fat" is not "healthy" and no one--eating disordered or otherwise--wants to hear that they look "healthy." It's insulting--either it means you're gaining weight (for the ED crowd) or it means you're...well...I can't think of what it means for the other crowd, but it's NOT a compliment.

I think I'm going to start lowering my calories. I don't have the fortitude for the Skinny Girl Diet, or the ABC diet, but I CAN try to cut back by 100 every day. I've been keeping it around 1000/day, so I think tomorrow, I'll aim for 900, etc. I can't stay at this weight, and it's really frustrating me that I can't lose any more! I wish I knew how to! Also, I'm going to start running three times a week, whether I want to or not. A person's got to have discipline! (ah, resolutions...)

Anyway, I should get back to doing homework. And by "get back to" I mean "start"...

Highlight of my day yesterday?

My boss, after not seeing me for three weeks, said "You got skinny!"

...Hooray! (Outside validation!!)

Alone in the misery...

Day starts out pretty well--not the best, because your gf gives you two cookies for breakfast instead of your usual breakfast drink, but you're strong. You can get over it.

You go strong, straight through lunchtime, determined to be good today, to be strong, to power through cravings and "needs"...but then you get shaky, uncertain, and you have to go to work and you can't go to work like that...so what to eat?

Well, there's that Dunkin Donuts right around the corner, and you've been craving a sandwich from them for a while...break down, eat it, feel fat, but know that it's only 460 calories and you still have room in today's allowance. Come up with a plan for the rest of the day (ramen for "dinner," yogurt and maybe a banana with your meds)

Get home, and all hell breaks loose. Make dinner for everyone. Break down and decide to eat some, only a little--MISTAKE! Now you've got the taste on your lips.

Eat some more. Eat that banana you've been wanting to try and break the craving for more food. Wrong. Keep going. Vegetables! Vegetables don't count! Eat those. Eatthe tiny pie in the fridge. Eat a roll. Eat some cereal. And then it's a free-for-all on the Cheetos.

Woah. What to do? GOTTA PUKE!!!

Chug some water. Go up to the bathroom, put the seat up...only water comes up. Orange water. Keep trying. Get some Cheeto up, but not enough. KEEP TRYING. Getting more and more desperate, but nothing will come up. Well, that's it. Now you've not only failed at not eating, you've also failed at PURGING. FAILURE.

At the end of the day, all you have is yourself, and the misery you wreaked upon yourself. Fat, miserable, alone. Failure.

because nobody else cares...

hell, I don't think even YOU guys care, but I post anyway because I need a place to share...

Today I've been pretty good. I had my instant breakfast (200 cal), one Hershey's Hug (because it was forced on my by the girl--23 cal), and a mac'n'cheese from Au Bon Pain (360 cal)--my friend pretty much forced it on me. But if I stick with this, I can keep it to less than 1000, which is all I ask. I try to keep it to one meal a day, and less than 1000 calories, but sadly sometimes I cave (more often lately. I've spent more time with my head over the toilet in the past week than I have in the past three weeks...)

The laxatives turned out...all right. I spent two pretty miserable days--we are NOT doing THAT again any time soon, no siree Bob. It didn't even WORK properly. I'm pretty sure those Cheetos got digested and processed...

In an effort to placate the people at the program I'm in, I bought Carnation Instant Breakfasts (Or "Essentials" as they're called now) It's only 150 calories if you make it with skim milk, and now I can say that I had breakfast. For some reason, I don't mind drinking calories nearly as much as I mind eating them, but these 150 are STILL being included in my count for the day.

Ever since I started this effing program, all anyone's wanted to do is to fix my ED. Well, NEWSFLASH: I don't want to fix it right now. Maybe in 20 lbs...(my therapist says in 20 lbs, it'll be too integrated. No. Really?) Even my effing THERAPIST, whom I love and adore, has jumped on board with this one. It's pretty miserable. I think that I'm going to have to learn to lie until I lose the weight that I need to. I wish I knew an effective way of doing it. I think I'm eating juuuuuust too much per day for the weight loss to set in--juuuuust enough to fuck up my metabolism. Sadness.

OK. But that's all for now. Stay strong, lovelies!

fml

I'm NEVER going to be thin...never ever ever at this rate.

I just ate a SHITTON of cheetos thinking I could just puke them up, but could I? NoooOOooo. So I took almost a whole thing of laxatives (gonna regret THAT in a few hours...) but that just does NOT work as well...I'm going to be fat forever. Forever and ever.

And what's worse is due to being in this outpatient program, I'm around real anorexics who are skinny as can be, and I'll never possess the discipline to be that thin :( (though I'm glad they're getting the help they want...)

um...

I just ate about 1200 calories worth of beef lo mein, and I can't purge because I'm at my girlfriend's house. I'm a little beyond freaked out. That's more than I'm allowed to eat!!! I should have checked before I bought it! Wah!!

Only I can make the changes necessary to live this way. Today's resolution? To eat mindfully, paying attention to what I eat, and chewing each bite at least 20 times before swallowing. Eating is not something that you can avoid, unfortunately, but you can a) minimize how much you're eating and b) make it as pleasant and civilized as possible...

*sigh*

Fat & Happy vs Thin & Crazy

I realized today that I'd much rather be thin and crazy than fat and happy--how can you even be happy if you're fat?  I don't see how that's possible for me.

Why is this? I was talking to a friend, and she told me that I have to choose between being thin and being well.  I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd rather be thin.

This program is killing me--they TRULY do not want me to restrict while I'm there, but I CANNOT give up the two weeks' hard work that I put in just because they want me to :(  And I'm too honest to lie.  I hate this! I hope they don't section me because of it, but you can't ask a person to give up years worth of bad habits overnight, you know?

I really need some help here. I want to keep restricting so badly (though a part of me realizes that I can't keep it up, and is very scared.)  I think what I need is just a frame of reference shift--I'm not *restricting,* this is merely the way that I eat. One "meal" a day...

This is the lowest I've weighed in my adult life, and there is no way in HELL that I will give that up!

Weakness

I have no will power outside of the hospital, where food only came three times a day, and then was gone.  I can't CONTROL myself! Not to mention this program and it's damn safety contract.  I'm going NUTS.  I'm going to gain all the weight I lost right back, when what I NEED to be doing is losing more weight.

In a moment of weakness, I ate two sandwiches, and puked them both right back up last night.  I ate TOO MUCH yesterday.   I wish I could just bloody well CONTROL myself! HELP!

I'm back

Sorry I was away for so long--things in my head got out of control, and I was inpatient in a psych ward for the past week and a half.  They just let me out yesterday.  But you wanna know the funny thing?  They didn't give a shit about my E.D.  I swear, the only things I ate for the past week and a half were the things my family brought me, pretty much.  I lost almost 10 lbs, and I'm SO afraid that I'm going to gain it back.  Now I'm in an outpatient program, and they made me sign a document saying that I'd refrain from self-injurous behaviour, such as cutting, RESTRICTING FOOD, AND B/Ping. I am SO OUT OF MY DEPTH.  HOW CAN I STOP THIS??  I FINALLY lost weight, I've been DYING to lose weight for over a year now, and I'm FINALLY on track, and they're going to try and make me stop? I don't think so.  This is not over....