So, some background: I'm taking my last two classes to graduate, three years after I was supposed to graduate. This is my last shot at it, basically. If I fail, I'll have to go to some other school or something to finish it up. No bueno.
I was talking to my therapist today, and she said, "What are your priorities for the next seven weeks?"
I dunno.
"Let me take a guess. On the one hand, we have food. On the other, we have classes and graduation"
::nod:: (sure, why not?)
Then she proceeded to explain that I'm basically sabotaging myself with this food thing, and it would be good to think about the reason why--probably because I'm scared of graduation.
Well, I AM sabotaging myself, I guess, but I swear to God it's not because I'm afraid of graduating. I've had THREE YEARS to think this over. I'm actually really annoyed with myself for messing things up so badly, but I can't...I just...I can't fix it right now!
She wants me to eat 1500 calories a day for the next 7 weeks. I can't do that. I guess my priorities really ARE screwed up. WTF?
(I need help.)
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I am convinced...
that God is humbling me, making me work so hard to get into an ED program. All I have to say is that if I get in, I'd damn well BETTER get something out of it!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
all my tools are disappearing!!
So, I don't have a job that pays enough right now, and it's causing me considerable distress in many areas of my life. It's latest manifestation? I'm running out of supplies for avoiding food, and I can't replace them!!! No more diet cokes, running low on low-cal gatorade (which my doctor insisted upon to keep my electrolytes up with the lithium), and I'm almost out of cigarettes (which are *wildly* expensive in this state! I *am* quitting--I hope--but my free supply of the patch hasn't come yet. Homie needs her nicotine!!!)
This all adds up to "no bueno!" I don't know what I'm going to dooooooooo... *sigh*
Also, am I a complete weirdo? I basically don't eat all day, and have most of my calories at night time (I don't like going to bed with gnawing hunger in my belly. Also? It's really hard to avoid evening food around family, so it's best to save up the calories for it) Does anyone else do this??
I'm on my "lunch" break at work right now. I SO wish that I had a diet coke...and another cigarette or two. *sigh*
This all adds up to "no bueno!" I don't know what I'm going to dooooooooo... *sigh*
Also, am I a complete weirdo? I basically don't eat all day, and have most of my calories at night time (I don't like going to bed with gnawing hunger in my belly. Also? It's really hard to avoid evening food around family, so it's best to save up the calories for it) Does anyone else do this??
I'm on my "lunch" break at work right now. I SO wish that I had a diet coke...and another cigarette or two. *sigh*
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Fears and Ramblings
So, I've been thinking a lot lately. Not enough, but a lot. And some of it's been about getting better. I realized that it's a nice idea...but the process involves EATING. Now, if I were still in my crazy purging place, that wouldn't bother me so much, but since I've started restricting seriously, it DOES bother me. They are going to want me to eat three meals a day, and those meals are going to have to be more than 200 calories each.
I...I don't know how they're going to get me to DO that, because you can't just take a person who's been doing her own thing and all of a sudden make her change that. No! You've got to ease into it.
Besides, part of the reason I don't eat "normally" is that I never learned how to eat normally. I mean, seriously, c'mon! Growing up? A vegetable was defined as a can of green beans split between six people.
They're going to have to teach me before I even consider eating again.
I'm also really, REALLY afraid that I'm going to gain all the weight I just lost back and balloon up again. Now really, there's NO need for me to gain weight. In fact, I'm finally *approaching* the "healthy" weight range for my height (never mind that probably the reason I'm so heavy is mostly because of my bones--THAT'S making excuses. I am a fat ass and there's no getting around it. I want to be TINY. That's why the current goal is to lose as much weight as possible during these three weeks...)
I just...I don't know how I feel about all of this. Honestly, I don't think that I should need help. This is just about the stupidest thing I've ever done to myself--I should be able to just pick up where I left off, just start eating again, and all my problems would be solved (except they won't be. I have a lot of hidden shit that I have to deal with.) I shouldn't need help to do that--if I could just put my head on right, then I could suck it up and deal on my own...but I can't. I can't just eat. I can't bring myself to do it, and when my body takes over and makes me eat, I feel like a fat, disgusting, gross pig and then I feel like I need to either purge or cut.
In other news, and in a lemony twist of irony, I signed up to do the Walk for Hunger--it's a 20 mile walk. THAT should be interesting (seeing as I've never done more than maybe 5 miles before in my life...) But it's a good cause, and my girlfriend's doing it, so.. ;)
I should stop rambling now. I have other fears, but they haven't been voiced yet. I'll ramble some more when I figure them out. In the MEANwhile, I've got to go take a midterm I haven't studied for. PEACE, HOMIES!
I...I don't know how they're going to get me to DO that, because you can't just take a person who's been doing her own thing and all of a sudden make her change that. No! You've got to ease into it.
Besides, part of the reason I don't eat "normally" is that I never learned how to eat normally. I mean, seriously, c'mon! Growing up? A vegetable was defined as a can of green beans split between six people.
They're going to have to teach me before I even consider eating again.
I'm also really, REALLY afraid that I'm going to gain all the weight I just lost back and balloon up again. Now really, there's NO need for me to gain weight. In fact, I'm finally *approaching* the "healthy" weight range for my height (never mind that probably the reason I'm so heavy is mostly because of my bones--THAT'S making excuses. I am a fat ass and there's no getting around it. I want to be TINY. That's why the current goal is to lose as much weight as possible during these three weeks...)
I just...I don't know how I feel about all of this. Honestly, I don't think that I should need help. This is just about the stupidest thing I've ever done to myself--I should be able to just pick up where I left off, just start eating again, and all my problems would be solved (except they won't be. I have a lot of hidden shit that I have to deal with.) I shouldn't need help to do that--if I could just put my head on right, then I could suck it up and deal on my own...but I can't. I can't just eat. I can't bring myself to do it, and when my body takes over and makes me eat, I feel like a fat, disgusting, gross pig and then I feel like I need to either purge or cut.
In other news, and in a lemony twist of irony, I signed up to do the Walk for Hunger--it's a 20 mile walk. THAT should be interesting (seeing as I've never done more than maybe 5 miles before in my life...) But it's a good cause, and my girlfriend's doing it, so.. ;)
I should stop rambling now. I have other fears, but they haven't been voiced yet. I'll ramble some more when I figure them out. In the MEANwhile, I've got to go take a midterm I haven't studied for. PEACE, HOMIES!
Out of diet coke!!
Ruh roh! I'm alllllll out of diet coke, and I have 0 cashdollaz in the bank to buy more! WHAT AM I GOING TO DOOOOOOOOOOO???????
I BEAT THE 150 MARK!!!!!!
149, Baby!! Only 4 lbs away from my first goal setting, 19 away from the second!
(I shouldn't be so excited, I'm still a fat pig, but...I was 160 or higher for SO LONG, and now? Now this!!!!)
(I shouldn't be so excited, I'm still a fat pig, but...I was 160 or higher for SO LONG, and now? Now this!!!!)
Monday, March 28, 2011
I HATE my period
I swear, I've eaten more chocolate in the past three days than I have in an entire MONTH!!! (Which is still not a lot, but it's NOT doing good things for my morale...) I feel like SUCH a fatty!
I wish my dumb period WOULD just go away and leave me alone (well, except for the implications for childbearing some day--I *would* like to have a kid or three eventually...)
So, I took an adderall at 7 to study (failed experiment, that...) andit's still in my system and now it's bedtime and I am positively WIRED!! Well, wide awake, anyway. Not sure what to do about that...
My friend today kept telling me that I'm tiny (!!)--how exciting is that?? Now if only it were true, I'd be a happy camper. When my BMI is in a healthy or low range, THEN I'll believe them (even if my clinician at the OP program told me "BMI is--pardon my language--bullshit.")
I wish my dumb period WOULD just go away and leave me alone (well, except for the implications for childbearing some day--I *would* like to have a kid or three eventually...)
So, I took an adderall at 7 to study (failed experiment, that...) andit's still in my system and now it's bedtime and I am positively WIRED!! Well, wide awake, anyway. Not sure what to do about that...
My friend today kept telling me that I'm tiny (!!)--how exciting is that?? Now if only it were true, I'd be a happy camper. When my BMI is in a healthy or low range, THEN I'll believe them (even if my clinician at the OP program told me "BMI is--pardon my language--bullshit.")
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