wah wah wah

I ate too much. For like, the third day in a row. And I want to go puke, but I don't want to puke up my meds and my coffee. Wah wah wah. Poor baby.

I wish I could just STOP EATING already--what are some things you guys do when you feel lie your eating is out of control? (IF you ever feel that way, that is...)

Good! Go me!

I was GOOD yesterday! I only ate 2 servings of beef jerky (WHY do I buy that shit???? It's TERRIBLE!!) I resisted dinner at the GF's. SO good! Now, I just need to make it through today with a similar status...

Crap!

Yesterday, I binged on like...everything in sight. And just as I was going to purge? My grandmother comes home, and I can't. I'm going to weigh a million and a HALF pounds pretty soon, instead of just a million....

Today, I'm going to try to be good. Didn't bring any food with me, and I'm at work, so we'll see how that goes (should have brought a diet coke, though!)

This morning, I was standing at the bus stop, when this wave of nausea/feintness washes over me--I hope this doesn't mean that I'm getting ill...

I'm hungry!!!!

It won't stop, and I can't control it!!!!!!!

Gross.

As someone else put it, I've managed to turn my Skinny Girl Diet into the FAT girl diet. ::Sigh::

We had a snow day on Wednesday, and when I'm home, all there is to do is EAT, so I ate.  ...ALL DAY. And since I couldn't purge for whatever reason, I decided that laxatives were the way to go--WRONG.  They didn't kick in until about 3 am (too late to do any good whatsoever for the calories concerned) and I spent ALL. DAY. on the toilet shitting my guts out. Disgusting! But I guess it's what I deserve for all the eating I did. I wish I could just control my eating like a normal person, but nooooooo....

So, I've been like an EATING MONSTER all week. It's so gross! I NEED to stop, but I just can't! I HATE it!!

In other news, I talked with my MD and decided to start the bipolar meds again. Maybe that will help me control the cravings (haha--not! But at least I don't have to worry about winding up in the hospital again, I guess...)

Impromptu Afternoon Off!

Woo hoo! ...but now I don't know what to DO with myself! If I go home, I'll EAT! Because that's what I DO when I'm bored (and I have tomorrow off, too, oh boy oh boy...)

I decided to get a skinny vanilla latte--let me tell you, NOT a win. It tastes gross and has about 130 calories. TOO MANY! It's time to break out the diet cokes again. Those are my saviour when I'm trying not to eat.

In other news, I think I'm going slowly crazy as the meds wean out of my system. I'm a wee bit worried about all of this, as mentioned before. I'm SO ANTSY. And I don't think the Not Eating is helping.

I need to come up with plans to avoid food, too, because I'm pretty sure my grandma's going to make dinner pretty much every night, and it is Not To Be Avoided. Maybe *I'll* start making it, and claim that I picked while cooking and therefore am full...but that'll only work some nights.

But I'm really excited! I stepped on the scale this morning, and I was down to 155 for the first time in MONTHS--that's five pounds less than it was the LAST time I checked. Here's hoping it stays! I mean, I'm still a complete fat ass, but that's 5 lbs LESS of fat-ass-dom! Yay!

Thinking thin,

Yours.