Day starts out pretty well--not the best, because your gf gives you two cookies for breakfast instead of your usual breakfast drink, but you're strong. You can get over it.
You go strong, straight through lunchtime, determined to be good today, to be strong, to power through cravings and "needs"...but then you get shaky, uncertain, and you have to go to work and you can't go to work like that...so what to eat?
Well, there's that Dunkin Donuts right around the corner, and you've been craving a sandwich from them for a while...break down, eat it, feel fat, but know that it's only 460 calories and you still have room in today's allowance. Come up with a plan for the rest of the day (ramen for "dinner," yogurt and maybe a banana with your meds)
Get home, and all hell breaks loose. Make dinner for everyone. Break down and decide to eat some, only a little--MISTAKE! Now you've got the taste on your lips.
Eat some more. Eat that banana you've been wanting to try and break the craving for more food. Wrong. Keep going. Vegetables! Vegetables don't count! Eat those. Eatthe tiny pie in the fridge. Eat a roll. Eat some cereal. And then it's a free-for-all on the Cheetos.
Woah. What to do? GOTTA PUKE!!!
Chug some water. Go up to the bathroom, put the seat up...only water comes up. Orange water. Keep trying. Get some Cheeto up, but not enough. KEEP TRYING. Getting more and more desperate, but nothing will come up. Well, that's it. Now you've not only failed at not eating, you've also failed at PURGING. FAILURE.
At the end of the day, all you have is yourself, and the misery you wreaked upon yourself. Fat, miserable, alone. Failure.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
because nobody else cares...
hell, I don't think even YOU guys care, but I post anyway because I need a place to share...
Today I've been pretty good. I had my instant breakfast (200 cal), one Hershey's Hug (because it was forced on my by the girl--23 cal), and a mac'n'cheese from Au Bon Pain (360 cal)--my friend pretty much forced it on me. But if I stick with this, I can keep it to less than 1000, which is all I ask. I try to keep it to one meal a day, and less than 1000 calories, but sadly sometimes I cave (more often lately. I've spent more time with my head over the toilet in the past week than I have in the past three weeks...)
The laxatives turned out...all right. I spent two pretty miserable days--we are NOT doing THAT again any time soon, no siree Bob. It didn't even WORK properly. I'm pretty sure those Cheetos got digested and processed...
In an effort to placate the people at the program I'm in, I bought Carnation Instant Breakfasts (Or "Essentials" as they're called now) It's only 150 calories if you make it with skim milk, and now I can say that I had breakfast. For some reason, I don't mind drinking calories nearly as much as I mind eating them, but these 150 are STILL being included in my count for the day.
Ever since I started this effing program, all anyone's wanted to do is to fix my ED. Well, NEWSFLASH: I don't want to fix it right now. Maybe in 20 lbs...(my therapist says in 20 lbs, it'll be too integrated. No. Really?) Even my effing THERAPIST, whom I love and adore, has jumped on board with this one. It's pretty miserable. I think that I'm going to have to learn to lie until I lose the weight that I need to. I wish I knew an effective way of doing it. I think I'm eating juuuuuust too much per day for the weight loss to set in--juuuuust enough to fuck up my metabolism. Sadness.
OK. But that's all for now. Stay strong, lovelies!
Today I've been pretty good. I had my instant breakfast (200 cal), one Hershey's Hug (because it was forced on my by the girl--23 cal), and a mac'n'cheese from Au Bon Pain (360 cal)--my friend pretty much forced it on me. But if I stick with this, I can keep it to less than 1000, which is all I ask. I try to keep it to one meal a day, and less than 1000 calories, but sadly sometimes I cave (more often lately. I've spent more time with my head over the toilet in the past week than I have in the past three weeks...)
The laxatives turned out...all right. I spent two pretty miserable days--we are NOT doing THAT again any time soon, no siree Bob. It didn't even WORK properly. I'm pretty sure those Cheetos got digested and processed...
In an effort to placate the people at the program I'm in, I bought Carnation Instant Breakfasts (Or "Essentials" as they're called now) It's only 150 calories if you make it with skim milk, and now I can say that I had breakfast. For some reason, I don't mind drinking calories nearly as much as I mind eating them, but these 150 are STILL being included in my count for the day.
Ever since I started this effing program, all anyone's wanted to do is to fix my ED. Well, NEWSFLASH: I don't want to fix it right now. Maybe in 20 lbs...(my therapist says in 20 lbs, it'll be too integrated. No. Really?) Even my effing THERAPIST, whom I love and adore, has jumped on board with this one. It's pretty miserable. I think that I'm going to have to learn to lie until I lose the weight that I need to. I wish I knew an effective way of doing it. I think I'm eating juuuuuust too much per day for the weight loss to set in--juuuuust enough to fuck up my metabolism. Sadness.
OK. But that's all for now. Stay strong, lovelies!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
fml
I'm NEVER going to be thin...never ever ever at this rate.
I just ate a SHITTON of cheetos thinking I could just puke them up, but could I? NoooOOooo. So I took almost a whole thing of laxatives (gonna regret THAT in a few hours...) but that just does NOT work as well...I'm going to be fat forever. Forever and ever.
And what's worse is due to being in this outpatient program, I'm around real anorexics who are skinny as can be, and I'll never possess the discipline to be that thin :( (though I'm glad they're getting the help they want...)
I just ate a SHITTON of cheetos thinking I could just puke them up, but could I? NoooOOooo. So I took almost a whole thing of laxatives (gonna regret THAT in a few hours...) but that just does NOT work as well...I'm going to be fat forever. Forever and ever.
And what's worse is due to being in this outpatient program, I'm around real anorexics who are skinny as can be, and I'll never possess the discipline to be that thin :( (though I'm glad they're getting the help they want...)
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
um...
I just ate about 1200 calories worth of beef lo mein, and I can't purge because I'm at my girlfriend's house. I'm a little beyond freaked out. That's more than I'm allowed to eat!!! I should have checked before I bought it! Wah!!
Only I can make the changes necessary to live this way. Today's resolution? To eat mindfully, paying attention to what I eat, and chewing each bite at least 20 times before swallowing. Eating is not something that you can avoid, unfortunately, but you can a) minimize how much you're eating and b) make it as pleasant and civilized as possible...
*sigh*
Only I can make the changes necessary to live this way. Today's resolution? To eat mindfully, paying attention to what I eat, and chewing each bite at least 20 times before swallowing. Eating is not something that you can avoid, unfortunately, but you can a) minimize how much you're eating and b) make it as pleasant and civilized as possible...
*sigh*
Monday, March 14, 2011
Fat & Happy vs Thin & Crazy
I realized today that I'd much rather be thin and crazy than fat and happy--how can you even be happy if you're fat? I don't see how that's possible for me.
Why is this? I was talking to a friend, and she told me that I have to choose between being thin and being well. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd rather be thin.
This program is killing me--they TRULY do not want me to restrict while I'm there, but I CANNOT give up the two weeks' hard work that I put in just because they want me to :( And I'm too honest to lie. I hate this! I hope they don't section me because of it, but you can't ask a person to give up years worth of bad habits overnight, you know?
I really need some help here. I want to keep restricting so badly (though a part of me realizes that I can't keep it up, and is very scared.) I think what I need is just a frame of reference shift--I'm not *restricting,* this is merely the way that I eat. One "meal" a day...
This is the lowest I've weighed in my adult life, and there is no way in HELL that I will give that up!
Why is this? I was talking to a friend, and she told me that I have to choose between being thin and being well. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd rather be thin.
This program is killing me--they TRULY do not want me to restrict while I'm there, but I CANNOT give up the two weeks' hard work that I put in just because they want me to :( And I'm too honest to lie. I hate this! I hope they don't section me because of it, but you can't ask a person to give up years worth of bad habits overnight, you know?
I really need some help here. I want to keep restricting so badly (though a part of me realizes that I can't keep it up, and is very scared.) I think what I need is just a frame of reference shift--I'm not *restricting,* this is merely the way that I eat. One "meal" a day...
This is the lowest I've weighed in my adult life, and there is no way in HELL that I will give that up!
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Weakness
I have no will power outside of the hospital, where food only came three times a day, and then was gone. I can't CONTROL myself! Not to mention this program and it's damn safety contract. I'm going NUTS. I'm going to gain all the weight I lost right back, when what I NEED to be doing is losing more weight.
In a moment of weakness, I ate two sandwiches, and puked them both right back up last night. I ate TOO MUCH yesterday. I wish I could just bloody well CONTROL myself! HELP!
In a moment of weakness, I ate two sandwiches, and puked them both right back up last night. I ate TOO MUCH yesterday. I wish I could just bloody well CONTROL myself! HELP!
Friday, March 11, 2011
I'm back
Sorry I was away for so long--things in my head got out of control, and I was inpatient in a psych ward for the past week and a half. They just let me out yesterday. But you wanna know the funny thing? They didn't give a shit about my E.D. I swear, the only things I ate for the past week and a half were the things my family brought me, pretty much. I lost almost 10 lbs, and I'm SO afraid that I'm going to gain it back. Now I'm in an outpatient program, and they made me sign a document saying that I'd refrain from self-injurous behaviour, such as cutting, RESTRICTING FOOD, AND B/Ping. I am SO OUT OF MY DEPTH. HOW CAN I STOP THIS?? I FINALLY lost weight, I've been DYING to lose weight for over a year now, and I'm FINALLY on track, and they're going to try and make me stop? I don't think so. This is not over....
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