So, like I said, I've given up on weekends, but today? Today was just a FIASCO. I ate well over 2000 calories--this after nearly a WEEK of eating usually 500 or less (with the occasional 700-900 maybe)
That's just SICK.
And I'm depressed about it. I feel so alone. There's nothing to DO for it. What a day!
Tomorrow, we're back to the diet coke diet. No giving in! NO MORE FOOD. I wish I could just quit it for good. I await the day that willpower no longer eludes me...
:(
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Also, When Will I Get Thin?
I have been at this for three weeks now, and only lost about 6 lbs. I think it's because I can't make myself NOT eat, and once I start eating, it's like...700 calories in a sitting before I can get myself to stop. (Pathetic!)
I want RESULTS. I want to be THINNER. I want BONES to start showing. I want to be what I've always wanted to be: thin.
When's that going to happen?
I AM getting better at this, though. This week, I managed to keep consumption to under 1000 calories (and sometimes MUCH less than that!) every day (until today, which is a weekend, which I've given up on. There is no hope when boredom and family time combine...) And I've been "hungry" less. And I'm learning to get by with less food.
You people have to understand that before, I could eat 3000 calories in a sitting and move on with life. Now that I've stopped that, it's like shock and awe every time I finish counting up the calories and realize something like "Woah! That was only 671 calories today! Pat on the back!"
I don't think I'll ever be thin. I think my body type rejects that completely.
For example, before I started this, I was 160 lbs at 5'5"--you'd think that I'd be OBESE, but I was merely large. That's my body type talking. It's just not fair.
And on that note, some stats:
Height: 5'5"
CW: 154-159 depending on the day/time
HW: 185
LW: 154
GW: 130 or less
WHEN WILL I BE THIN?
I want RESULTS. I want to be THINNER. I want BONES to start showing. I want to be what I've always wanted to be: thin.
When's that going to happen?
I AM getting better at this, though. This week, I managed to keep consumption to under 1000 calories (and sometimes MUCH less than that!) every day (until today, which is a weekend, which I've given up on. There is no hope when boredom and family time combine...) And I've been "hungry" less. And I'm learning to get by with less food.
You people have to understand that before, I could eat 3000 calories in a sitting and move on with life. Now that I've stopped that, it's like shock and awe every time I finish counting up the calories and realize something like "Woah! That was only 671 calories today! Pat on the back!"
I don't think I'll ever be thin. I think my body type rejects that completely.
For example, before I started this, I was 160 lbs at 5'5"--you'd think that I'd be OBESE, but I was merely large. That's my body type talking. It's just not fair.
And on that note, some stats:
Height: 5'5"
CW: 154-159 depending on the day/time
HW: 185
LW: 154
GW: 130 or less
WHEN WILL I BE THIN?
more on that sigh
So, I'm pretty good during the week--there are things to occupy me. I'm trying terribly to break my habit of eating when I'm bored, but on weekends? I can't stop. There is NOTHING that will stop me. Not diet coke, not water, not fiber, nothing.
I feel out of control! And I can't even purge!
Does anyone have any advice for handling the weekends?
I feel out of control! And I can't even purge!
Does anyone have any advice for handling the weekends?
Friday, October 29, 2010
Problem (This is really gross, actually)
So, I don't LIKE to eat, right? Well, I do, but I also really HATE it, and that's another story.
Well, sometimes I do, right?
And I have a problem--I CANNOT purge. I used to be able to, but I guess I've killed my gag reflex because it ain't there any more. This is TERRIBLE news.
I HATE it.
...Maybe this knowledge will keep me from eating more.
Well, sometimes I do, right?
And I have a problem--I CANNOT purge. I used to be able to, but I guess I've killed my gag reflex because it ain't there any more. This is TERRIBLE news.
I HATE it.
...Maybe this knowledge will keep me from eating more.
Never Give Up! Never Surrender!
I am wicked bored. I had a very busy morning...but now there's nothing to do. And I REFUSE to give in to the boredom and eat. I feel like I've been so good lately (minus my 700 calorie binge last night--oops! and urgh...) I don't want to ruin it. I've already got to come up with excuses for the weekend, why destroy what I have now? I *LIKE* not eating. It feels so...right.
Also, the idea of eating kind of disgusts me right now--how gross is that? All the chewing--ugh! The CHEWING!! (Gross!)
Bored bored bored bored....Oh, what to do?
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Patience
Patience is a virtue of which I am not possessed. As a means of hurting oneself, I find that not eating leaves something to be desired as a result--in *minutes* you can ruin what took hours, or days, to build (like I just did with a small bag of peanut m&ms...) To do this successfully, you need to have *patience*. I am taking this opportunity as a learning tool. I will come out the better for it.
Today's food? A small (SMALL) arugala and asparagus salad...and a bag of peanut m&ms. Hopefully, I won't progress beyond that. I can't believe I gave in and bought FOOD! Dammit!
Today's food? A small (SMALL) arugala and asparagus salad...and a bag of peanut m&ms. Hopefully, I won't progress beyond that. I can't believe I gave in and bought FOOD! Dammit!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Eurgh!
I had 671 calories today. And I feel like I pigged out. (Because I DID! But that's beside the point!)
I think we're entering the irrational phase of this...
I think we're entering the irrational phase of this...
Success!
Though, I will say I am beginning to worry a little bit. Everything I read about what I'm doing says it does TERRIBLE things to your body, and can actually make you fatter (says the girl who's five lbs down right now...Right) I can't help it, though. It's this innate desire for control and pain, and if I can do it, I can DO it, you know? You get addicted to this feeling, and it's HARD to break an addiction. Trust me, the smoker.
I'm going to die young, and there's nothing to do for it...
Monday, October 25, 2010
Cravings
What happens if you DON'T give in to a craving?
Right now, I want sushi and cheesy poofs...but I'm not hungry. I just WANT them, and feel like it would be horribly wrong not to fulfill this particular desire.
Lately, it's been chinese food, too, or noodles with sauce, and I've given in every time. It's time to lay down the law and just say NO! ...after this, that is.
(I have a very hard time saying no to cravings...)
Right now, I want sushi and cheesy poofs...but I'm not hungry. I just WANT them, and feel like it would be horribly wrong not to fulfill this particular desire.
Lately, it's been chinese food, too, or noodles with sauce, and I've given in every time. It's time to lay down the law and just say NO! ...after this, that is.
(I have a very hard time saying no to cravings...)
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
No Dinner.
I pigged out today. There is no justifying that. I have to find a way to avoid family dinner. What a stressful weekend...
Family and Food
It's awfully hard to avoid food when you're home with your family. But I'm learning. Hopefully. It makes me feel guilty, and awful, and not like a good person to have consumed as much food as I have today. I need a break from food. Right now.
I've always hated that food and family were so intertwined. You can't have one without the other--there's no escaping it in my family. When we gather, we eat. And we eat a LOT. It's embarrassing, in a way (when you think about it.) I need to learn to break away from that. Be a free person. Make better excuses...
Jiggling thighs. Jiggling bellies. Losing control. Lack of purity. These are all things I do not want. These are all things associated with Eating.
Anyway, I'm done rambling for now. Wish me luck.
I've always hated that food and family were so intertwined. You can't have one without the other--there's no escaping it in my family. When we gather, we eat. And we eat a LOT. It's embarrassing, in a way (when you think about it.) I need to learn to break away from that. Be a free person. Make better excuses...
Jiggling thighs. Jiggling bellies. Losing control. Lack of purity. These are all things I do not want. These are all things associated with Eating.
Anyway, I'm done rambling for now. Wish me luck.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
What Do I Seek?
AKA Why am I doing this?
This is a serious question, because without goals, you won't get anywhere.
Most people do this out of a desire to be thin. I mean, that's there, too, but it's definitely not my driving goal. Why do I do this?
I do this because I seek CONTROL. In a world filled with chaos and pain, you've GOT to have control over something.
I do this because I seek PURITY. There is no better feeling than the empty you get when you don't eat: the clean feeling you can't get anywhere else.
II do this because I seek PAIN. I deserve it. Don't ask ME why, I don't know. But I do know that I deserve every inch of pain that I get.
But I fear that these goals aren't strong enough. Maybe I should start seeking THIN as well...
This is a serious question, because without goals, you won't get anywhere.
Most people do this out of a desire to be thin. I mean, that's there, too, but it's definitely not my driving goal. Why do I do this?
I do this because I seek CONTROL. In a world filled with chaos and pain, you've GOT to have control over something.
I do this because I seek PURITY. There is no better feeling than the empty you get when you don't eat: the clean feeling you can't get anywhere else.
II do this because I seek PAIN. I deserve it. Don't ask ME why, I don't know. But I do know that I deserve every inch of pain that I get.
But I fear that these goals aren't strong enough. Maybe I should start seeking THIN as well...
Blah Blah Blah...
I did SO WELL today, maxing at under 600 calories...until I got home and ate a full meal. And tomorrow, I'm not working, so my chances of doing so well are even less. :(
Why do I have to go and ruin everything??
Well, here's hoping tomorrow will be better, and I can live up to my expectations.
Why do I have to go and ruin everything??
Well, here's hoping tomorrow will be better, and I can live up to my expectations.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Obsession
I am obsessed with food. I cannot get it out of my head. Today, all I've done is sit on my fat ass and consume almost 700 calories, and I'm not done yet. This is a disaster! I'm supposed to be getting back on track!
I need strength! Fortitude! Dedication and Perseverance! HELP!
I need strength! Fortitude! Dedication and Perseverance! HELP!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
There IS no comfort...
So, in my bingeing, I've been looking around for comfort and solace in various other websites, but I realized today that there IS no comfort to be found. You deserve every moment of pain for your lapse.
Tomorrow, I get back on track...
Tomorrow, I get back on track...
Saturday, October 16, 2010
FAT WHORE
I GIVE UP!
I am a fat whore.
I cannot abstain in the face of food. New environments prove difficult to adjust to...HELP!
I am a fat whore.
I cannot abstain in the face of food. New environments prove difficult to adjust to...HELP!
Being home is hard
Today started out so well, but then drizzled into oblivion as the day progressed.
I got donuts for my fam, intending to eat one (and only one) as my meal until the dinner I know I'd be forced to eat rolled around, so I ate it...but there is SO MUCH FOOD available here, it was a sick gorgefest. I ate bacon (BACON!!) and lunch meat, and who even knows what all else and I felt like I couldn't stop myself. Not to mention that my mother's cooking, so the whole house smells like delicious--how is one supposed to prevail under such conditions, I ask you?? And THEN, my brother took me out to lunch, where I tried to be VERY good (miso soup and seaweed salad), but now I just feel bloated and ill. Too. Much. Food. (Though my calorie tracker says that I've only eaten about 700 calories, so maybe I'm still OK...)
And I KNOW there's going to be a family dinner, which I'll have to eat. ::sigh::
I'm never going to win.
To forestall any further slips, though, I stocked up on diet cokes, yes indeedy! So maybe that will help au futur.
(Good luck to me! HELP!)
I got donuts for my fam, intending to eat one (and only one) as my meal until the dinner I know I'd be forced to eat rolled around, so I ate it...but there is SO MUCH FOOD available here, it was a sick gorgefest. I ate bacon (BACON!!) and lunch meat, and who even knows what all else and I felt like I couldn't stop myself. Not to mention that my mother's cooking, so the whole house smells like delicious--how is one supposed to prevail under such conditions, I ask you?? And THEN, my brother took me out to lunch, where I tried to be VERY good (miso soup and seaweed salad), but now I just feel bloated and ill. Too. Much. Food. (Though my calorie tracker says that I've only eaten about 700 calories, so maybe I'm still OK...)
And I KNOW there's going to be a family dinner, which I'll have to eat. ::sigh::
I'm never going to win.
To forestall any further slips, though, I stocked up on diet cokes, yes indeedy! So maybe that will help au futur.
(Good luck to me! HELP!)
Friday, October 15, 2010
::sigh::
I gave in BIG time. I had a full meal last night, and then some, and another one this morning. I take it for granted that I'm going to be able to last the day on as little food as possible, and then I have to give in.
I feel fat. I've been overweight my whole life, and this is not making it any better. I need to be thin and beautiful. I need to be hungry in order to feel alive. I need to start drinking more tea and diet coke--I swear there's a magic ingredient in diet coke that lets you get away with not eating if you drink it when you're hungry--and start eating less.
I'm visiting family this weekend. I hope I can be strong around them.
I feel fat. I've been overweight my whole life, and this is not making it any better. I need to be thin and beautiful. I need to be hungry in order to feel alive. I need to start drinking more tea and diet coke--I swear there's a magic ingredient in diet coke that lets you get away with not eating if you drink it when you're hungry--and start eating less.
I'm visiting family this weekend. I hope I can be strong around them.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
weakness and revelation: two disparate subjects
I broke down and bought a 400 calorie pastry today, after I promised myself the salad would be enough. I'm disappointed, and disgusted with the rate at which I scarfed it down.
In other news, I can't keep my big mouth shut, and told my therapist what I was doing, but something good came of it: I had a revelation. I realized that nothing in my life has ever felt so right as what I'm doing right now. I need MORE of it! I need it, in the immortal words of Kanye, "harder, faster, stronger."
I want a steady influx of hunger pangs and diet coke to tide them over. I want MORE. It's hard to explain, but nothing's ever felt so right before. I know this is unsustainable, but it's making me ultimately very happy right now. I can relish the feelings of accomplishment and disappointment and purity. I feel like I'm in charge of something. I'm getting what I deserve at the same time, for what is this life without a little suffering, anyway?
So, as disappointed as I am by my weakness today, hopefully I will have the strength to persevere, to continue on in this battle of wills, to thrive in the purity of cleansing my body of unnecessary elements...
Wish me luck, and good luck to you all!
In other news, I can't keep my big mouth shut, and told my therapist what I was doing, but something good came of it: I had a revelation. I realized that nothing in my life has ever felt so right as what I'm doing right now. I need MORE of it! I need it, in the immortal words of Kanye, "harder, faster, stronger."
I want a steady influx of hunger pangs and diet coke to tide them over. I want MORE. It's hard to explain, but nothing's ever felt so right before. I know this is unsustainable, but it's making me ultimately very happy right now. I can relish the feelings of accomplishment and disappointment and purity. I feel like I'm in charge of something. I'm getting what I deserve at the same time, for what is this life without a little suffering, anyway?
So, as disappointed as I am by my weakness today, hopefully I will have the strength to persevere, to continue on in this battle of wills, to thrive in the purity of cleansing my body of unnecessary elements...
Wish me luck, and good luck to you all!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Tonight I skip dinner
Tonight, I am skipping dinner. I am doing it because I deserve it, and because it makes me feel right again. I will not engage in mastication.
I will not snack, either. Snacking is the deadly enemy that ruins it all, because once you start, you can't stop.
I wish it wasn't so late, or I'd seek out a diet coke.
It can't be bad to miss dinner, anyway. You're not supposed to eat after 7 pm anyway, and it's already 10. So there. Justified. I should just brush my teeth and go to bed.
Tomorrow, we start anew in our plan, trying to avoid food. It's a problem, because my boss buys us lunch on Thursdays, but perhaps I can get away with having a salad tomorrow and let that suffice for the day. Like I said, I don't NOT eat, I just try not to.
I just wish I had someone to talk with me and support me in my efforts. I know this is sort of a sick thing to do, but it's nice to play at having control in at least one aspect of life, you've got to understand that. I do not approve of this way of life, but I do live it. ...From time to time.
I hope I don't give in. I want to get away with this for a month. At least.
I will not snack, either. Snacking is the deadly enemy that ruins it all, because once you start, you can't stop.
I wish it wasn't so late, or I'd seek out a diet coke.
It can't be bad to miss dinner, anyway. You're not supposed to eat after 7 pm anyway, and it's already 10. So there. Justified. I should just brush my teeth and go to bed.
Tomorrow, we start anew in our plan, trying to avoid food. It's a problem, because my boss buys us lunch on Thursdays, but perhaps I can get away with having a salad tomorrow and let that suffice for the day. Like I said, I don't NOT eat, I just try not to.
I just wish I had someone to talk with me and support me in my efforts. I know this is sort of a sick thing to do, but it's nice to play at having control in at least one aspect of life, you've got to understand that. I do not approve of this way of life, but I do live it. ...From time to time.
I hope I don't give in. I want to get away with this for a month. At least.
Food Is The Enemy
I long ago decided that food is the enemy.
I'm looking for support in my attempts not to eat.
I am not a skinny person, and never will be, even if I starve myself for decades. Skinny is not the goal. I like the purity you feel when you don't eat, the control it gives you in your life.
I go back and forth between eating out of control and controlling what I eat, and right now we're in a controlling phase, but it's really lonely. You can't talk to your best friend and tell him/her that you aren't eating right now, please help, because they'll tell you that you need help.
I'm not anorexic. I can't NOT eat at all, but I can control what goes in to a certain extent, make it as minimal as possible.
If you think you can be supportive, please feel free to comment and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can. I just need a friend in this, or I'm going to give in again and start eating like a monster...
I'm looking for support in my attempts not to eat.
I am not a skinny person, and never will be, even if I starve myself for decades. Skinny is not the goal. I like the purity you feel when you don't eat, the control it gives you in your life.
I go back and forth between eating out of control and controlling what I eat, and right now we're in a controlling phase, but it's really lonely. You can't talk to your best friend and tell him/her that you aren't eating right now, please help, because they'll tell you that you need help.
I'm not anorexic. I can't NOT eat at all, but I can control what goes in to a certain extent, make it as minimal as possible.
If you think you can be supportive, please feel free to comment and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can. I just need a friend in this, or I'm going to give in again and start eating like a monster...
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