Panic Attack!

2 things: I just ate a huuuuuuuuuge salad, and I thought I would be OK with that, but I'm NOT, and there's noplace to puke! Aaaaaaah!
And
I just met with a nutritionist. For the first time. I now have a meal plan. I thought that I would be ok with that, too...but I'm sooooooo not. I'm having a mild panic attack, and I'm not sure why. Also? 3 meals AND 3 snacks??? RIDICULOUS!! I can't DO this! Help!

Life is really stressful right now. They're bumping me up to a partial program next week, and I feel really weird about that. I do not think my eating habits merit this, for one, and for another....I'm just so not ready to get better. *sigh*

I could quit now, but then where would my life be? No. I need this. I don't want it, but I need it. (Help!)

Freaked Out, Losing Control

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into bulimia, and this scares the hell out of me. I'm NOT going to get thin that way--I can't even get everything OUT when I puke. It scares me that I'm beginning to find comfort in this process, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm a wee bit frightened by what's going on in my head. I don't want this. I want to restrict, and restrict, and restrict, until I'm thinner than I've ever been; until people start noticing that something's up; until I feel free from all the baggage in my life...but instead, I get to spend every night eating whatever's in the house and then spend the rest of it with my head in the toilet--why?? Why is this happening to me?? All I wanted to do was Not Eat in simplicity and peace...and instead I get this. This is not the path that I would have chosen, not in the least...

Also?

My hair is falling out in a major way. This is unsettling....

Skinny

I want to be skinny. Skinny is something I will never be.

I will go through this course of 'recovery,' and then I will go back to the most efficient means of becoming skinny I can find, whatever that means may be. I can't live like this, though, with the bulimia ruling my life--you don't get thin from puking...

!!!!!!!!!

139 IN JEANS!!!!! WHICH MEANS I'm REALLY ABOUT 137-138!!!!!! I BROKE THE 140 MARK!!!!!!!

*sigh*

I've decided to go into the partial hospitalization program at the treatment center I'm currently at. :(

I was purging the other night, when all of a sudden, it felt comfortable--I wanted to just keep going: that scared me. I don't mind it when not eating feels that way, but purging?? THAT scares the shit out of me.

I'm NOT 100% committed to getting better, though (whatever 'better' means...) I...don't know how this is going to go.

I'm scared. Scared of a lot of things (will I be able to get by financially for 3-6 weeks? AM I GOING TO GET FAT??? Will I lose my girlfriend if this doesn't work out? Etc etc etc--SO many fears...) It's stressing me out.

My case manager told me that she's proud of me. I can't deal with that. DON'T be proud of me for making an unavoidable decision. Besides, I might change my mind in 2 weeks' time when my jobs are done and I have the time to go and do this thing...

I'm NOT happy with this decision, and I'm more scared than I was before I got any treatment at all--what am I DOING???

Comforting thought: I can always go back, and not tell anyone this time 'round. I guess...

Hope you're all well.

I wonder...

I was stuck at 160, 163 for a good long while. Am I going to be stuck at 140, 143 for the same amount of time? What changed, so that I lost all that weight so quickly??? And more importantly, will I still be able to lose weight now that I'm STUCK on a 'recovery' track?

Important questions...