Sorry!

I've been remiss in my 'diligent posting' duties!

I can't help it! I don't even know what to say any more. I'm so confused. I want to continue in my ways, so badly...but a part of me also wants to eat 'normally'--not 'get better', no. I'm still being my piggish self.

I need help. I can't do this any more, this arguing with myself, telling myself how bad I am all the time--it can't be healthy, right? But it feels like the right thing to DO, see?

I refuse to eat until I meet with my nutritionist and get a sense of what a normal person can eat without getting fat--because I REFUSE to gain weight

The healthy instincts are at war with my instincts...I guess you COULD call them 'unhealthy,' I mean, who knows?

All I know is that this is all very hard. Very, very hard, and I don't like it.

So I have an "eating disorder"

So what. You know what sucks? Having all the symptoms of an ED without being skinny. Sucks balls.

I hate this. All this sorting through everything. The newest theory? That I have either OCD or OCD-like inclinations.

I'm just tired. I want everything to go away.

This whole ordeal--it's like someone poked me in a tender spot. I'm reacting in a major way. I've never been this awful about treatment for other things before, you know? I'm scaring myself...

The 'Good News/Bad News' Game

Good news: my loan went through, so I'm officially (finally) graduating! ...once I pay off the $51 late fee. Yeah...

Bad news: I'm officially getting FAT. Scale hovering between 143-145instead of its old 140-143. Thighs egregiously large. Fat growing on arms. Belly growing. Disgusting. FAT. Time to break it down, cut out the junk food in my life (maybe all fats, too) and STOP. BINGEING.

Good news: I'm in lurve (I can't even say the word, I've been avoiding scaring her off so much, haha) and she's right there with me!

Bad news: I'm too exhausted to enjoy the good things in my life. And I'm fat.

Good news: I have a lot of support in my life.

Bad news: I don't know how to use it/listen to it.

Good news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind.

Bad news: next week is the last week of the program for me, unless my insurance changes its mind...

This game could go on and on....let me speak to the last piece. I am not well yet. I am also not as sick as I was. Part of me wants to get better. Part of me does not. This program, if I leave it now, will leave me this half-transmogrified mass of MESSY that can neither cope with the world, nor with food, but must deal in both. That's a scary prospect. I want to either be most of the way healed when I leave this motherfucking program, or completely ill--not this messy, ugly halfway place that I'm in now. I'm too vulnerable right now...

I hate food.

I HATE it. I feel SO out of control!! And it's all damnable 'recovery's' fault.

Unfortunately, this means that I need the program, though. I've come to the realization that I can't risk falling apart in my new jobs because I haven't consumed anything, so I'm trying to work a balance out with that (maybe they'll help with it? Yeah right...) I'm thinking that I can go back to my Instant Breakfast in the morning and cheese stick and diet coke for lunch, because even though I have to eat dinner and that's a lot of calories, it's no more than I'd normally eat with my evening binges, right? So now I just have to find out how to stop the evening binging. *sigh* Any recommendations would be MORE than welcome!

Also, I'm completely helpless once I've eaten too much. I get thrown into fits of huge anxiety that can only be allayed by puking, and I'm so tired of overeating and puking. I need them to help me stop that, and I need them to help me stop that *soon*!

I feel so fat. I wish I could just not eat in peace. If only my brain would let me not eat....

I don't have too much to say

I'm exhausted. And my 'team'--every single one of 'em--seems to be overly concerned for my safety, which is beginning to concern me.

I told a friend I was in treatment yesterday, and how I felt about it. Then I felt guilty.

I wish I could just simply not eat again. (Those were the days, my friends...) Life was simpler then. Much, much simpler in many ways. I'm already planning tonight's binge. *sigh*

I hate being such a failure at everything I want to be good at.

some sort of update

I think that recovery--or more properly, 'recovery'--is the worst torture ive ever inflicted upon myself, and if I were a quitter, I would have quit by now, it's so painful.

Problem: I can't eat. They require you to eat.
Problem: I can't not eat. I can't STOP once I get started--the overwhelming dinner that they force on me in the program turns into what amounts to a warm-up meal, as I go home and eat and eat and eat. And then I puke. Most of the time. It's *so scary* feeling so out of control. And they all chalk it up to "oh, it's just your body reacting to starvation"--like HELL it is! I may not be the most in tune with my body possible, but I can tell the difference between a starvation binge and the other kind of 'out of control.'

Problem: I'm stuck. Everyone was like "just try it out--if you don't like it, you can go back to what you were doing before"--WRONG. Now that I'm eating so much, I'm *deathly* afraid that if I go back to not eating, I'm going to lose it and wind up in the hospital again.

This whole thing is so beyond frustrating, from the process itself, to dealing with the insurance, to thinking about how my actions will affect others, to this, to that--every aspect of this process has some kind of pain attached to it, and I hate it. Am I even into the idea of recovering? No. Then why do I keep going back? I do not know. (Because I'm not a quitter? Because a part of me wants to recover? Because I like the attention?? Because I feel like it's my last chance?? I DO NOT KNOW!!)

So, I put up with the weighing of my fat ass, I struggle through disgusting dinners, I deal with people telling me my thinking is distorted...for another day. (But not today! It's such a *relief* to not have to go in today....)

I just wish it could all go away. I'm so tired. Tired, tired, tired, tired.

I just want to be thin, and hungry most of the time. Is that so much to ask?

Attacked by Lunch

Free food at training: be a douche and skip it? Or feed my fat ass? Guess which one I picked....