Writing Papers is Hard Work!

I'm eating more than I'm writing! I bought grapes to snack on, but alas--I went shopping while hungry, and thus also bought Pirate Booty and mini cheeses (of which I only had ONE, for LUNCH), and black and white cookies. Uuuurgh. And I was SUPPOSED to have a friend here to share it with, but she wussed out of our study session.

I can justify this snacking, though, because I'm walking 20 miles tomorrow (I'M SO SCARED, hahaha. TWENTY MILES?!? Yeah. At least it's just walking.)

I think my monstrous eating is mostly quelled at this point. I've been decently good this week--not 600 cal/day good, but less than 1000/day good for the most part (except maybe today. Yeah...)

This may be TMI, but I have to pee SO BADLY, but I am at Starbucks and I don't want to get up because then I'll lose my seat and never get it back again. Plus? I have a lot of shit that I would need to pack up, haha. I always feel like a bag lady, because I walk around with two or three bags all the time. Pathetic.

For those interested, by the way, crisis averted: the MD said that missing one dose wouldn't kill me. I was just so scared because a) lithium is not shit that you mess with b) I've never missed a dose before and c) I was pissed off because that was MONEY I was flushing down the toilet (LITERALLY!) Oh well. Not doing THAT again.

Aaaaaaaand I should get back to writing my paper. It is NOT going to be a good one. But it will be a DONE one, and that will get me a grade, and a grade will get me a DIPLOMA! And an iPod (I'M GETTING ONE AS A GRADUATION PRESENT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!)

So. Back to work. Thanks, lovies, for reading!

I'm full of stupid tonight!

omg omg omg omg!
I just puked up my lithium!!!! What the hell do I do now????
I chatted with the Walgreens 24 hour pharmacist, she said to call my doctor. My doctor is on vacation. I called her stand in and left a message, but she won't get back to me until the AM. Am I going to miss a dose???? (Probably, yes) That's never happened before!! AM I GOING TO GO CRAZY??? hahaha. Oy vey.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid. That's what I am. I shouldn't have eaten all that food in the first place, or taken my meds so late. What am I supposed to do?? Does this constitute an emergency for the psychiatrist on call? I don't wanna, because then I'll have to explain that I was puking, and he/she will probably just tell me to skip the dose anyway because they don't know how much my body absorbed in the TEN MINUTES it was in there. Oy vey....Man oh man oh man. STUPID!

Snacks for Studying!

I HAVE A PROBLEM AND IT IS THIS: WHEN I STUDY, I GET BORED. WHEN I GET BORED, I SNACK. When I *don't* have snacks available, as I do not right now, I do not get shit done. Problemo right there, kiddos. BIIIIIG problemo. I cannot base my academic success on something so dumb as snacking.

Also, I'm really bored. I think someone should leave a random comment so that I have something to distract me from the damned paper that I'm supposed to be writing (damnation!) Do you realize that this right here that I just typed is more in the realm of "typed" than has been done for my paper in the past three hours? Yeah. Problem.

SAVE ME FROM THE FOOD AND FROM THE STUDYING! WAH!

Verdict:

I am NOT allowed to be in the kitchen alone: this is when things go awry.

So this morning, I went to put my capris on (ever hopeful of Spring...) and they were about three inches too big, too!!! I think I'm pretty securely a size 6 now!!!!! (Too bad I think it's not gonna last...) I was so excited when I got into the single-digit sizes last year, but this? This is even more exciting! Now if only I could stop eating like a fatass...

Has anyone ever tried green smoothies, btw? I'm thinking of trying it, but I don't want to waste the calories on something that's just going to leave me craving more in an hour.

So, finals are revving up to full swing. Life is hectic. I've been trying to balance family, the gf, school, volunteering, and work all at once. I think once finals are over, life will be more...peaceful. I'd forgotten what it was like, having been out of school for two years. Maybe the stress is why I've been eating like crazy? That and the "not smoking" thing (which is actually going really well!) I just feel so...overwhelmed! I don't know what to do!

All right. That's all for now. Hope you're all well!

More Excitement!

I put on a pair of pants that I bought back in November or thereabouts this morning...and they were three inches too big!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Today, the name of the game is "getting back on track." It's all about getting back on track, so that I can lose more weight (even though my grandmother doesn't think I need to, haha) and be thin, thinner, thinnest. (But I refuse to get grotesquely thin. Then my friends won't hang out with me anymore ;) I just want all the extra flab to disappear. I want to look thin and fit. Next week, I'm going to try to start exercising (well, maybe once finals are over...that might be a better idea.) Problem is, I have issues with getting up in the morning to exercise. I severely need a running buddy, but even my craigslist post only yielded one person who lived too far away to make it work. (I decided that I want to run a half marathon next year, and maybe a full one the year after...I hate running. I am sick!) Oh well. Maybe someone will magically appear out of the blue...

It's a *beautiful* day today, btw. I brought my jacket because it looked cold outside, but shortly grew to regret that decision. Now I have to lug this extra thing around. Oh well.

Enjoy today, my lovelies!

Success! Annnnnnddddd figuring out how to create more success...

Well, the good news is that the piggishness seems to be trailing off--only MARGINAL overeating today, hopefully followed by proper starvation tomorrow.

While I was at my relatives' for Easter, my aunt gave me a dress to try on--I looked at the size and was uber skeptical of it because it was a 6, and I barely just got down to an 8, right? Well, I try it on and.....(drum roll, please!)...IT FIT! I CAN FIT INTO A 6!!!! I know, I know--most of you are probably praying that you DIE the day you're large enough to fit into a 6, but for me??? This is HUGE progress! HUGE! I'm so excited!

But that and my grandmother's comments about how skinny I'm getting are NOT making up for the fact that I've gained a gajillion pounds over the past week. Time to crack down and get back to business. Back to business indeed...

Ultimate Fatty

Almost my worst fears were realized over Easter--I say "almost" because only time will tell if I've completely lost all ability to restrict...

I ate way, way, WAY too much food, and drank too many calories, and want to keep going, even though I feel like a fatty, stuffed sausage, full individual who's probably gained TEN POUNDS--wahhhhh!

I'm SO freaked out! Someone help me to get back on track! Where has my motivation gone??

It seems to me that I have two options for getting back on track. I can choose an arbitrary calorie limit for the day/week, and go for that, or I could choose an arbitrary calorie limit and go for a liquid diet for a few days (problem: not very satisfactory...but then...that's the idea, right??)

I dunno. I need advice!

From One City to Another

I went from one city to another for Easter. Let me tell you, it is nice to escape (even if the weather here is crappier than at home.)

Ever since I went to the hospital the second time, my family's been edgy, worried, and suspicious--I feel like I can't live my life, you know? So it's nice to get away from the worried family to spend time with the less-worried family.

The family at home is starting to catch on to my wayward eating habits, too. I try to avoid being home at meal times as much as possible, but even then, they notice that you're getting skinnier (and never with joy! Always the tone of concern!! What's up with that??? I mean, come ON! I was practically OBESE before, and now I'm within a healthy range. Chill out, dudes!)

Which makes me wonder if I should buy new clothes that fit--is it worth it? I mean, am I going to just gain all the weight I just lost back?? (I hope I never, ever, ever, EVER weigh as much as I did again!) But the fact is, most my my clothes just don't fit right any more...time to replace them? Who knows.

OK, and now I really SHOULD go do some homework and stop obsessing over food and weight. Happy holidays to all!

OK

Things will get back on track after Easter. For one thing, I'm going to start MAKING time to exercise. For another, I WILL get back on track with my eating habits. This grazing thing just isn't cutting it--it starts as a need that you can't quite place your finger on, and next thing you know, you've sampled everything in the kitchen and that need still isn't satisfied. It's a pain in the ass, AND it's going to make me fat, fat, fat.

So that's the plan--exercise and diet, starting post Easter.

Easter

I'm really worried about Easter weekend, and the few days thereafter. See, Easter is a "food holiday" for us--we're Orthodox Christians, which means that we basically spend Lent not eating: meat, dairy, eggs, and fish (or wine or alcohol in general.) Now, *I* didn't adhere to that, but my family did, and there is going to be so. Much. Food. I don't even know what to do. And it's not just going to be food, no--it's going to be *delicious* food, like tsoureki, and sirnaya pascha, and everything delicious you can think of.

Now, normally I would just be plain old worried, but with my massive EATING streak of late, I'm extra SUPER worried. And I won't even be able to puke because I'll be at someone else's house. :/

I don't know what to DO! (And people wonder why I'm so obsessed with food--it's all my religion's fault, haha...)

I'm going to gain so much weight, unless I figure out a way to keep the eating problem in check. Help?

In other news, my grandmother said that I'm getting awfully skinny today (I'm not--I'm ballooning up! Rapidly!) and she asked if I was eating meals, like wth protein and vegetables. I think she was concerned...

FEED BIG BERTHA!

I. Want. Food.

(more than that, I want caloried drinks. ::SIGH::)

I have eaten so many calories today, it makes me want to cry. And worse? I want to eat more. I have zero control right now, and that scares the hell out of me. What a fatty...

(Any advice? PLEASE?!?)

It won't stop

I've been...eating. Like mad. And it won't stop.

I'm going to gain, I'm going to gain, I'm going to gain, I'm going to GAIN!

This is not good. How do I stop this nasty cycle? I guess I just have to relearn how to say "no" to myself...and not stock up on tasty foods. Or any food at all, really...

getting out of my fat ass weekend ways...

I eat like a PIG on weekends. In Group, they had us do weekend planning to get some structure into our free days--I think I need it for food.

Now, I'm trying to get out of the habit of eating like a madwoman, and it's REALLY HARD! I don't even eat because I'm hungry--I just eat for the hell of it. GAH!

So, I'm struggling today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

I really want to eat my 'lunch' right now, but I WILL hold out til 2:00, dammit!

Eating scares me. The thin veneer of control that I have sometimes is dashed away as soon as there's food in my presence. It's scary! I wound up purging this weekend, for the first time in forever.

But you know what? The self-hatred that usually drives that sort of behavior is at bay (I wonder if that's why I've been eating, too...?) It's odd. I'm oddly at peace. I can't work up the energy to call myself a fat pig (even as I FEEL fatter and fatter.) I don't wanna cut, I don't wanna purge, I don't necessarily seek out that empty hunger feeling. I'm just...being. Mind you, I'm binging, which is self-destructive in itself, so...yeah.

But. Those are my thoughts.

Also, I've decided to run a half marathon or a full one next year. :)

Help! Seeking Answers!

AM I KILLING MY METABOLISM???? WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF I AM???

My therapist is launching a terror campaign--tell all the horrors of what will happen, and maybe she'll recant her ways.

Well, it's not happening. I'm right where I want to be right now. Kind of.

And you know what else? I don't know why I'm doing this anymore--all the self-destructiveness has turned off. Why am I still going??

Rainy Day...

Rainy days make me want to do nothing. OK, maybe they make me want to cuddle up and write bad poetry. There is that.

I finally finished my month-overdue essay...and I feel all empty and purposeless now. Dunno what to do with myself (so obviously, I post!)

I'm having mixed feelings. It's almost the time where my insurance will go through to get me into the ED program. Thing is? I don't want to lose the ED. I...like it. I also hate it, but the pros outweigh the cons right now.

I don't know what to doooooooooooo......so confused! I want to lose my other bad habits, but this one? This one's comfy. And adaptable to all situations--if I eat too much with friends, I make up for it later, y'know? AND I don't want to get fatter! I'm finally starting to see some definition. Bones are beginning to eke their way out. I have a GOAL I need to reach!

But I put all this work into getting into this dumb program.

*SIGH* I just don't know...

Oh, what a day...

So, I applied for a loan last night for school, and got an email this morning saying that my application was incomplete--well, thinking this could only take 15 minutes TOPS because I'd done everything last night, I tried to log in to see. WELL, 45 minutes later (my computer was being slow as MOLASSESS!) I find out I really HAD done everything...and I'd missed my bus.

Then I got a call from my insurance company--apparently the paperwork for my switching finally sort of went through (just in time for me to not want the help so much anymore) and you know how calls with insurance companies are. Yeah.

So I get to work 30 minutes late...yeah...and realize I'd forgotten my nicotine patch. ARGH! So I'm dying all morning.

The rest of my day is packed, too. After work, I've gotta track down prescriptions the hard way, and then I've gotta get more nicotine patches (EXPENSIVE--DON'T start smoking if you haven't already!) Then I'm volunteering for an Equality organization. This leaves no time to do the homework I so desperately need to do.

On top of it all, the shakes are back. I'm REALLY shaky, and I can't control it. I can't decide if it's the new meds or the not eating--either way, it's pretty disconcerting. (But do I eat to fix it? Nope! Sure don't...)

So. Goooooood day...

The "F"s and Getting Back on Track

The "F"s--fatty and failure. And I don't just mean failure in terms of diet--my homework this week is positively *slaying* me! Allophones and phonemes and complementary pairs: I thought I understood it until I started this homework...blargh! But enough of that whining.

I am a fatty. I spent the ENTIRE weekend eating egregious amounts of food, and I gained the weight to prove it. BUT I'm hoping that I'll stay on track today, and get things back in order...and eventually make it so 145 isn't just water weight lost, but TRUE weight lost.

Hope things are going well with you, chickees!

Fat. Ass.

Oh. Em. Gee. I have been eating. Like a PIG these past three days! And I can't get away from it!!! I swear, I've gained 5 solid pounds back!!! :(

Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow will be better...(What if it's not???)

And to make it worse/extend the horror? My grandmother got me CHEETOS for my birthdayb!! I cannot resist Cheetos!!! Waaaaaaaaaaah, fat pig!!!!!!!!

Help me!! How am I going to get back on track???

Today, I am OLD

Still less than 30, and yet...so old.

I think I have to give up on the calorie counting today--my gf is making pancakes (and I bought the darling flowers!), and I'm going out for dinner with a bunch of friends (=no hiding my eating today...)

I can't believe how OLD I am!! And how immature I still am...I can't believe I broke in this year while still restricting. You'd think I could give it up, but no...

In other news, with clothes off this morning, I was 143--I'm in the "normal" range for my height finally! (I have to wonder how much of it's water weight, though...)

Also, all the suggestions I got for what to "eat" from the Ana/Mia Chronicles proved really useful. I'm loving it! I feel like I'm eating like a king, but it's still so few calories!

Anyway, short post. Back to having my birthday ;)

145!!!!!!!!

I REACHED IT! *WITH* my clothes on last night (but my binge fest of last night destroyed that for this morning...but STILL!!! I'm 145!!!)

15-17 lbs ago, I NEVER thought this possible!!

Next stop?? 130...

Guilt

Do you ever feel guilty about your eating habits?

I know I feel guilty all the time. When I purge, I think of the food I just wasted, and all the people out there who don't have any. When I eat around friends, I feel guilty because I feel like they're not eating as much as they want to because of how little *I* took. And when I restrict, again I feel guilty because I *have* food when a lot of other people out there don't.

*sigh* There's a lot of guilt, and I still haven't changed...and I feel like it's in my power TO change. I just...I can't. And I also feel like if I start eating again without purging, I'm just going to get fatter because I never learned portion control. What a waste...

Am I supposed to be doing homework?

I AM supposed to be doing homework! I even checked out books and everything! At least it's interesting homework, you know? I'm writing a paper on one of the songs from the New York Dolls' first album, so I can't complain too much (but posting is just so much more INTERESTING than what I'm supposed to be doing, you know??)

This "quitting smoking" thing? Not doing it for me. I have cut back significantly (like, only 1-2/day or so--I know, I know, you're not supposed to smoke while you're on the patch. Well you know what? SUCK IT, medical profession! The patch does SHIT for me!) I'm REALLY afraid I'm going to gain weight from it (apparently, cigarettes make you burn calories slightly faster--who knew??) but poverty is poverty, and I can't keep up with the price. I know that as soon as I have the money to kill, I'll be right back to smoking, but hopefully much, much less.

So, I finally have some leeway to resupply, and I'm going shopping this afternoon. So far on the list? Same old, same old. Carnation Breakfast Essentials, skim milk, diet coke, gatorade, and maybe non-fat yogurt.

Now, I hate food. Food is, after all, the enemy. But I'm so bored of the same old shit. I want to mix it up somehow, but I can't!! I know these foods are safe, and I know how to handle them, and I don't know about other foods! ...How dull.

Today is turning out well, despite the dearth of diet coke and gatorade. I'm a little shaky, but then I'm ALWAYS a little shaky.

I will stay strong this evening, and make it a full on GOOD DAY! (I hope you have one, too!)

sorry

Sorry I've been mia--I don't like to post when I'm being bad. My friend came over this weekend, and I couldn't get out of eating, and one I start...well...you know how it is. But today's a new week, and I have a good feeling about today (even without my diet coke :( )

So, people have been telling me that this is not the way to lose weight, that I'm doing bad things to my metabolism...but then...how do the anorexics do it, eh? I want to be thin. If I were thin, I'd be happier with myself. No longer fat. I could live down all the teasing. Etc. I'm not really sure why I'm doing this. I think a large part of it is that I like the challenge. (Another part of it is that I ate two "meals" yesterday? I feel sooooooOoo FAT today, wah! Gotta get back to good ole starvation--at least that's reliable!)

More later (probably when I'm supposed to be doing homework, haha)

I can't sleep.

It's 3:30 am, and I couldn't sleep. First off (and this is tmi) I think I have a yeast infection, so I went and researched that (jury's still out.) THEN, I went down to the kitchen. There's my first problem. There I proceeded to eat: a bite of soup, 2 strawberries, some blackberries, some broccoli, and two bowls of FiberOne. (How miserable!) Thank the Lord there is pretty much only healthy stuff in the house right now...

Now, I'm debating if I purge. *sigh* I wish I juts wouldn't eat--then I'd never have to deal with this again...