Time to get things under control

I am the worst ED person ever.  I...completely gave up for the past week or two, and it's time to get back on track.

How do I know that? Aside from well...the constant eating I've been doing for the past two weeks, you know...Right.

I know that because I bought a jacket.  Mind you, I bought it online, so I didn't get to try it on. Which shouldn't have been a problem, but it is.  I got it in medium, thinking a) that it will be my winter salvation and b) that a medium should be FINE, because EVERYTHING ELSE THAT I OWN IS A MEDIUM BECAUSE I AM A FAT ASS WHO CAN'T CONTROL HER EATING. Right?

WRONG.  It's too small.  This has NEVER HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE. A MEDIUM...has NEVER BEEN TOO SMALL FOR ME BEFORE.

What. The hell.

So. Starting tomorrow, I'm back on the anti-fatty diet. I hope. Wish me strength, because my lazy ass loves eating and keeping it in farrrrrr too much for my own good. I have a WHOLE WINTER to lose this fatty mcfatterton fatass that I own.

No excuses. Not the new girlfriend, not the relative well-adjustedness of my life. Not the fact that I no longer feel the NEED to hurt myself, which is what started this whole thing. I will not eat because I am a fat ass and don't deserve to eat.

It will help that my family has just gone vegan until Christmas.  I can pretend to play their game.

Oy vey. What an affair...

Fat Forever

I think I'm going to be fat forever

(especially if I can't stop this binging thing)

SO drunk

I am SO drunk. I ate SO much pasta as a result. Boooo! BOOOO! I can't function like this!!!

I have an Eating Problem

(she says as she sits there, typing away while crunching on Cheetos...)
I can't understand how one week, I'll be perfectly content to starve myself, and then the next, I'll be stuffing my face with cheetos, McDonald's, ice cream....ANYTHING that's high in calories.


Monday, the diet starts again.

::sigh:: I am disgusting.

The Other End of the Spectrum

I am definitely in full swing on the other end of the spectrum--eating OUT OF CONTROL.

Disgusting.

I will get back in line on Monday. (Repeats to self. Repetitively.)

New Job

New Job is DEFINITELY going to keep me on track.  Now the only dilemma is the McDonald's, ever so close to my gym.

I don't understand why, but working out makes me RAVENOUSLY hungry--like, "can't stop eating" hungry.  So it will be a new challenge to learn to avoid that particular temptation.  Besides, one can only eat a cheeseburger so many times before it gets old, right?

Fat Ass Fridays has a better ring to it...

...than "Fat Ass Weekends," which is the reality in which I've been living.

Fortunately, I've got a new job that will hopefully keep me from eating too much. Yay! Money AND fewer calories!

We'll see how this week turns out.

Proceed With Caution

I'm trying to decide how to proceed, in the face of a week of binging (though my therapist didn't agree with me that it was binging...whatever.)

I'm pretty sick right now--managed to catch some sort of mild cold, so it's not TOO nasty, but it IS making my life miserable.


I just don't know what to do.

I don't WANT to eat, but I already feel so miserable.  Maybe I'll try sticking to liquids again today, with the knowledge that if I slip up a little, I will NOT give myself leave to slip up a lot. And I will avoid ice cream at all costs today. I just keep messing up and messing up, and it's not helping me one tiny bit, no no no...

urgh...

THINK before you EAT!
So, my boss buys us lunch on Thursdays, which I've gotten around by ordering the smallest salads possible in the past. But today--I don't know WHAT possessed me--I ordered pasta, thinking I would eat a BITE and save the rest for...later or something. But I *ate it all*. And I can't purge because I'm at work, in public. GAH! I don't know what's WRONG with me lately! If I'd been thinking, I would have realized that I would eat it all given the opportunity, binging spree that I'm on, and I would have gone for the salad again. Oh, Lord. I feel so disgusting! I'm so mad at myself. And this was supposed to be my GOOD day! I hate myself so much right now, fat, disgusting pig. I can feeeeeel the fat bouncing on me.
Next time, I'll do better. And I'm hitting the gym hardcore tomorrow. Lord above...

Dear Lord, I'm a MONSTER!

In a moment of delirious "stick it to you, eating problems!" I went to...McDonald's and ordered the grossest thing I could and ATE it, and now I feel sick and I can't purge because I'm in public an hour away from home and I've RUINED my calorie intake for the day and I'm a pathetic failure fat whore of a girl.

GAH!! What is WRONG with me?????

Confessional

I think that people like to blog about their eating disorders because a) it makes them feel less alone and b) they need to confess: to confess when they slip up, binge, purge, whatever. People, by nature, need to share.  And this is something that it's difficult to share with other people, as they tend not to respond well. And yet in these communities, people will respond and keep you going when you think that you can't any more.

My confession: today was supposed to be a liquid diet day. I also ate two green beans, two pieces of pickle, and a slice of bread. And a huge bowl of soup. Though I did purge as much of it as I could (problem mostly solved!)

I am a failure at what I do.

Day Off

Being (relatively) unemployed is no good for me.  On the two days that I work, I'm SO GOOD. I will easily consume less than 700 calories.

BUT.

On the days that I don't work, it's a constant battle to find something to do so that I don't eat, and even if I go to the kitchen to make tea or get a drink, I have to CONSTANTLY FIGHT with myself. I'm disgusting!

So, today is a day off.  I'm going to go to the store and buy some instant, low calorie soups so that I can fool my body into thinking it's eating.  Then I will make some tea.

And beyond that? No plan. Lots of trouble ahead...

Obsession

My therapist says the body has a way of adapting to survive, that hunger is by nature adaptive, and therefore it's natural to become obsessed with food when you start starving yourself.
I hate it.
Let me just fade away in PEACE. I do not want to be tormented with thoughts of disgusting food, taunting me with what I shouldn't have and don't WANT.  It's a cruel trick to think that you want something that you don't.
That being said, I'm obsessed with food.  It's all I think about all day long--what I'm going to eat, what I'm NOT going to eat, whether I'll write about it, how hungry I am, how BEAUTIFUL that hunger is, etc etc etc.  The thoughts won't leave me in peace, and peace is all I ever wanted...

Liquid Diet Day One

I can't say it was a great success, having tallied my calories for the day, but it was a...start.
I LIKE the liquid diet. I'm going to stick with it as long as I can...until Thursday...when my boss buys lunch for us. Ugh.
Wish me luck!
(AND I burned my mouth on the hot broth soup I was drinking, so NO THOUGHT OF FOOD!)

Argh!

Liquid Fast: Day 1: SPOILED!
I came downstairs to make coffee, so my grandmum knew I was awake...and she made me toast with cheese, that I couldn't just toss.

(Moment to breathe)

OK. That's all right. We'll ease into this. Toast today, nothing tomorrow. I like a challenge...

Recovering from the Weekend

So, as previously stated, I decided to give up on the weekends--BAD. DECISION.
I can't. stop. eating.
Tomorrow? My liquid diet starts. No food.
(This will give me a purpose)