This, too, shall pass

Once I had Things To Do, and there was no food to eat, things got better. Getting back on track. Today? I felt almost skinny, until the end of the day when I saw my reflection. Ah well. Someday...

I wish they had an online blog community for "being fucked up"

I would TOTALLY join that...

Things are really fucked up right now. I'm back to being semi-suicidal, I can't stop eating, and I want to cut like NOTHING ELSE.

Elm

BY SYLVIA PLATH

For Ruth Fainlight

I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root:   

It is what you fear.

I do not fear it: I have been there.

Is it the sea you hear in me,   

Its dissatisfactions?

Or the voice of nothing, that was your madness?

Love is a shadow.

How you lie and cry after it

Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.

All night I shall gallop thus, impetuously,

Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf,   

Echoing, echoing.

Or shall I bring you the sound of poisons?   

This is rain now, this big hush.

And this is the fruit of it: tin-white, like arsenic.

I have suffered the atrocity of sunsets.   

Scorched to the root

My red filaments burn and stand, a hand of wires.

Now I break up in pieces that fly about like clubs.   

A wind of such violence

Will tolerate no bystanding: I must shriek.

The moon, also, is merciless: she would drag me   

Cruelly, being barren.

Her radiance scathes me. Or perhaps I have caught her.

I let her go. I let her go

Diminished and flat, as after radical surgery.   

How your bad dreams possess and endow me.

I am inhabited by a cry.   

Nightly it flaps out

Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.

I am terrified by this dark thing   

That sleeps in me;

All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.

Clouds pass and disperse.

Are those the faces of love, those pale irretrievables?   

Is it for such I agitate my heart?

I am incapable of more knowledge.   

What is this, this face

So murderous in its strangle of branches?——

Its snaky acids kiss.

It petrifies the will. These are the isolate, slow faults   

That kill, that kill, that kill.

Sylvia Plath, “Elm” from Collected Poems. Copyright © 1960, 1965, 1971, 1981 by the Estate of Sylvia Plath. Editorial matter copyright © 1981 by Ted Hughes. Used by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.

wah wah wah

I ate too much. For like, the third day in a row. And I want to go puke, but I don't want to puke up my meds and my coffee. Wah wah wah. Poor baby.

I wish I could just STOP EATING already--what are some things you guys do when you feel lie your eating is out of control? (IF you ever feel that way, that is...)

Good! Go me!

I was GOOD yesterday! I only ate 2 servings of beef jerky (WHY do I buy that shit???? It's TERRIBLE!!) I resisted dinner at the GF's. SO good! Now, I just need to make it through today with a similar status...

Crap!

Yesterday, I binged on like...everything in sight. And just as I was going to purge? My grandmother comes home, and I can't. I'm going to weigh a million and a HALF pounds pretty soon, instead of just a million....

Today, I'm going to try to be good. Didn't bring any food with me, and I'm at work, so we'll see how that goes (should have brought a diet coke, though!)

This morning, I was standing at the bus stop, when this wave of nausea/feintness washes over me--I hope this doesn't mean that I'm getting ill...

I'm hungry!!!!

It won't stop, and I can't control it!!!!!!!