I am officially a fatty

970 calories before 11 am. Gross.

Fat Day

Some days? I wish it was socially appropriate to announce to facebook that you're having a fat day, just so that you could get it off your chest...

Smoking doesn't taste as good when you're eating

I gave up quitting. This is going to be an expensive decision, but fuck it all--I can't handle this shit any more!

I'm proud of myself, though!! I'm at about 800 calories today--not glorious, but better than the gobs and gobs I have been consuming! Yay!

Measures of Fat

I've gained about 5 lbs (gag me now...). How do I know? First off, the scale. Yes, the scale. I know you're all surprised there. But also, my grandmother has stopped talking about how skinny I am, and when I look at myself lately, all I can see is fat. It's frustrating...

I wish I could just be skinny, go back to my safe 600 calories a day. I can't even count them anymore, the process is so overwhelming.

I don't understand how 'normal' people stay within 2000 calories a day--I barely ate anything yesterday (one meal, and two snacks--because I'm a weak ass) and I was already over 1000, you know? It's disgusting!

I'm meeting with a nutritionist on the 30th--so scared. I hope she puts me on a weight loss meal plan, not an ED recovery one. I can't bear to gain more weight...

Puking doesn't get you skinny...

...And I can't eat anymore without wanting to puke.

Resolved

I am done with food. I will not eat, except what I need to get by. I realized this this afternoon, with my head over the toilet (again.) I can't take this any more. I'm not losing weight any more. I'm trying to please too many people. I can please myself, at least, in this regard. Done. With. Food.

I can't TAKE it any more!

I feel fat!! Help!!!!!!!

Not that you can...

I cried my heart out to my case manager at the program this evening, then I called my friend. She told me to remember that I'm strong.

Honestly? I don't know how strong I am. But I am drunk right now, slightly, which is OK. Not the best, but OK. I ate a *lot* this evening, which I am determined not to purge. Help me be strong! I can't handle this b/ping any more. It's gotta go. Ideally, I would just stop eating, but right now? It's just damage control. I can't purge (besides, I'd lose the wine!)

I'm pathetic. I know.

But you know what?? Everything's gonna be all right. I swear it. Minus the swearing part (because I can't do that!) Everything is. Life sorts itself out, and things will be OK. Take heart!

xoxo