Impromptu Afternoon Off!

Woo hoo! ...but now I don't know what to DO with myself! If I go home, I'll EAT! Because that's what I DO when I'm bored (and I have tomorrow off, too, oh boy oh boy...)

I decided to get a skinny vanilla latte--let me tell you, NOT a win. It tastes gross and has about 130 calories. TOO MANY! It's time to break out the diet cokes again. Those are my saviour when I'm trying not to eat.

In other news, I think I'm going slowly crazy as the meds wean out of my system. I'm a wee bit worried about all of this, as mentioned before. I'm SO ANTSY. And I don't think the Not Eating is helping.

I need to come up with plans to avoid food, too, because I'm pretty sure my grandma's going to make dinner pretty much every night, and it is Not To Be Avoided. Maybe *I'll* start making it, and claim that I picked while cooking and therefore am full...but that'll only work some nights.

But I'm really excited! I stepped on the scale this morning, and I was down to 155 for the first time in MONTHS--that's five pounds less than it was the LAST time I checked. Here's hoping it stays! I mean, I'm still a complete fat ass, but that's 5 lbs LESS of fat-ass-dom! Yay!

Thinking thin,

Yours.

adderoll

So, I have a prescription for this for attentional issues, and I run back and forth on it about using it for appetite control... Well, I have about three pills left, and went to fulfill my prescription today, but they WOULDN'T TAKE IT since it was more than a month old!  I'm going to be having some unfortunate weeks ahead of me....

Skinny Girl Day One

I'm not going to keep you updated with a blow-by-blow update of what I ate every day, etc, because a) that's boring and b) I'm just going to fail.

Today, I did GREAT until I got home and my grandma cooked dinner for me. I pigged out--once I started eating, I couldn't stop. It was *embarrassing*!  Maybe tomorrow I will do better.

I told my girlfriend about the ED today, and she didn't run away screaming. I think that this is a good sign...

Confession:

I am feeling super self-destructive tonight. I purged again, for the first time in a while. And I want to keep going, but I'm pretty sure I got as far as I possibly could.  But man, oh man, do I want to do more and more and more.

I ate waaaaaaaay too much today--anything in site, twice over.  I think the reason why is because I resolved to start that diet Monday, so I went into hoarding mode.  I regret this decision.

I want to cut.  I want to purge. I want to take out my feelings on my body.

Nervous

(I'm just going to repeat-post what I posted at http://anamiachronicles.blogspot.com/)

Tomorrow is Christmas for us--the horror of the holidays aren't over for the Orthodox Christians yet--and I'm really nervous about it.  There is going to be so. much. food. I don't even know what to do about it.

I've been pretty good these past two days, finally getting back on track after the OTHER holidays with my other relatives, but tomorrow? Tomorrow's not looking so hot.

I think my plan right now is to go ahead and eat whatever, but start the Skinny Girl Diet on Monday. I'm afraid that isn't going to work out, though, because I have virtually zero will power, and when things start getting fuzzy, I start eating.

I'm also really nervous that my not eating is going to fuck my head up.  I'm supposedly bipolar, though I don't believe that, and I just stopped taking the meds they prescribed (and let me tell you--it feels GOOD to finally be free!) but the last time I wasn't eating and stopped my meds, I wound up in the hospital, and I do NOT want a repeat of that...ever. Again.  But I can't go back to eating normally, and from where I am, one can only restrict more.

I'm fucking myself up.

This is not going to turn out well. Not going to turn out well at all...

I find...

I find that if you ride out the hunger, it goes away.
I also find that if you give your body an inch, in terms of food, it takes it a mile. Miles and miles and miles sometimes.
These are my observations.

I purged for the first time in about two months the other day. I'm not happy about it, but it felt so much like the right thing to do at the time. I'm NOT going to make a habit of it. I'd rather restrict. But sometimes, things just get out of control.

Also, I think that I use purging as a form of self-punishment, in lieu of cutting. Huh.

I think...

...that I'm going to try the Skinny Girl Diet once Russian Christmas is over. We'll see.

My aunt told me last night that I was skinny, and that I was obsessed with calories. I don't believe her on either count.