Out of shame, mostly. I've been eating like a pig (and puking!! I can do it again!!! Though it frightens me that I'm doing that...)
So, Wednesday, it occurred to me after dinner that I'd been mostly following my meal plan since the Friday before--a combination of the partial program and laziness (it's easier just to give in sometimes...) I didn't know how I felt about that, but then I got this overwhelming urge to do bad things to myself. I cut seriously for the first time in MONTHS. My fear is that with the eating disorder behaviors in check (kind of), the cutting is going to come back with a vengeance. I'm not OK with that--the ED at least FELT safe, you know? The cutting? It's gotta go.
So I tried NOT to follow my meal plan this weekend, and wound up BINGEING, BINGEING, BINGEING...and now that I'm eating so much, I CAN'T afford those calories...
I'm so FRUSTRATED. I'm stuck in this limbo place of kind of eating, REALLY eating, and restricting all at once, and it's very FRUSTRATING.
This shit's hard, dudes. Hard.
In other news, I decided that every successful endeavor I've ever launched has had a playlist, so this one needs one, too. It's my ED/Recovery play list, and I'm really excited to have it. It was a lot of fun putting it together! (I hope I succeed at SOMETHING, whether it's restricting or recovering. It's just so tough to be in this middle place of NOTHINGNESS. GAH!)
I hope you're all well out there in reader-dom.
Oh mia sucks indeed. :( Been there.
ReplyDeleteI've never been in recovery or anything, but I understand how hard it is to eat normally |: kind of impossible... for me at least.
Then again, think of everything you've been through! If restricting was easy then EVERYONE would do it. But it's not... SO basically you have been through some of the hardest things anyone could do.. so you ARE strong enough to do this, to eat.. or at least try to.
You can do it, just stay positive, and remember that you are strong(:
Don't let food get the best of you hun! Trust me, you're more powerful than a piece of bread :p
Good luck, I hope everything goes well, I know you can do it!:)
xxx
Thank you, m'dear. These are words of wisdom. I hope I can take them to heart...
ReplyDelete