Panic Attack!

2 things: I just ate a huuuuuuuuuge salad, and I thought I would be OK with that, but I'm NOT, and there's noplace to puke! Aaaaaaah!
And
I just met with a nutritionist. For the first time. I now have a meal plan. I thought that I would be ok with that, too...but I'm sooooooo not. I'm having a mild panic attack, and I'm not sure why. Also? 3 meals AND 3 snacks??? RIDICULOUS!! I can't DO this! Help!

Life is really stressful right now. They're bumping me up to a partial program next week, and I feel really weird about that. I do not think my eating habits merit this, for one, and for another....I'm just so not ready to get better. *sigh*

I could quit now, but then where would my life be? No. I need this. I don't want it, but I need it. (Help!)

Freaked Out, Losing Control

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into bulimia, and this scares the hell out of me. I'm NOT going to get thin that way--I can't even get everything OUT when I puke. It scares me that I'm beginning to find comfort in this process, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm a wee bit frightened by what's going on in my head. I don't want this. I want to restrict, and restrict, and restrict, until I'm thinner than I've ever been; until people start noticing that something's up; until I feel free from all the baggage in my life...but instead, I get to spend every night eating whatever's in the house and then spend the rest of it with my head in the toilet--why?? Why is this happening to me?? All I wanted to do was Not Eat in simplicity and peace...and instead I get this. This is not the path that I would have chosen, not in the least...

Also?

My hair is falling out in a major way. This is unsettling....

Skinny

I want to be skinny. Skinny is something I will never be.

I will go through this course of 'recovery,' and then I will go back to the most efficient means of becoming skinny I can find, whatever that means may be. I can't live like this, though, with the bulimia ruling my life--you don't get thin from puking...

!!!!!!!!!

139 IN JEANS!!!!! WHICH MEANS I'm REALLY ABOUT 137-138!!!!!! I BROKE THE 140 MARK!!!!!!!

*sigh*

I've decided to go into the partial hospitalization program at the treatment center I'm currently at. :(

I was purging the other night, when all of a sudden, it felt comfortable--I wanted to just keep going: that scared me. I don't mind it when not eating feels that way, but purging?? THAT scares the shit out of me.

I'm NOT 100% committed to getting better, though (whatever 'better' means...) I...don't know how this is going to go.

I'm scared. Scared of a lot of things (will I be able to get by financially for 3-6 weeks? AM I GOING TO GET FAT??? Will I lose my girlfriend if this doesn't work out? Etc etc etc--SO many fears...) It's stressing me out.

My case manager told me that she's proud of me. I can't deal with that. DON'T be proud of me for making an unavoidable decision. Besides, I might change my mind in 2 weeks' time when my jobs are done and I have the time to go and do this thing...

I'm NOT happy with this decision, and I'm more scared than I was before I got any treatment at all--what am I DOING???

Comforting thought: I can always go back, and not tell anyone this time 'round. I guess...

Hope you're all well.

I wonder...

I was stuck at 160, 163 for a good long while. Am I going to be stuck at 140, 143 for the same amount of time? What changed, so that I lost all that weight so quickly??? And more importantly, will I still be able to lose weight now that I'm STUCK on a 'recovery' track?

Important questions...

Recovery

What do you think it is? I can't figure it out.

I have a friend who says that she considers her ED to be like her asthma: it'll always be there, but it'll only act up sometimes. My treatment team said that your attitude will define that, but honestly? I think it WILL always be there, just waiting for hte right combination of circumstances to reactivate it, even if I ever figure out a way for this thing to go into 'remission' so to speak.

So I want to know what YOU think recovery is, if YOU think recovery is even a possibility. How are you supposed to recover, when you don't even know what you're aiming for, you know?

Comfort

I think...I think that I find not eating comforting. I don't know why. But I've had the most relaxing past few days possible, and I haven't been eating/at the recovery program.

It makes me want to quit, knowing that I would have this kind of peace in my life if I just stopped going, but I know that peace wouldn't be permanent. I want PERMANENT peace in my life...or at least something long term.

But Oh! It was sooooo nice not having to worry about dinners and recording what I have/haven't eating, marking 'Behaviors' down on a piece of paper to quantify for the insurance companies...It was nice to be able to not eat in peace. I miss that. I do...

Sharing the joy!

...I'm wearing size 6 pants today--that's down 6 sizes from where I was! And there's no one out there to appreciate this fact!! I just want to be excited about it! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

And all hell breaks loose...

I told my girlfriend a lot of what's been going on lately last night--no bueno. Closest thing we've had to a fight yet. She doesn't understand--literally does not understand--why I'm not better yet.

*sigh*

Rough night...rough life. What a fucking fiasco.

I am officially a fatty

970 calories before 11 am. Gross.

Fat Day

Some days? I wish it was socially appropriate to announce to facebook that you're having a fat day, just so that you could get it off your chest...

Smoking doesn't taste as good when you're eating

I gave up quitting. This is going to be an expensive decision, but fuck it all--I can't handle this shit any more!

I'm proud of myself, though!! I'm at about 800 calories today--not glorious, but better than the gobs and gobs I have been consuming! Yay!

Measures of Fat

I've gained about 5 lbs (gag me now...). How do I know? First off, the scale. Yes, the scale. I know you're all surprised there. But also, my grandmother has stopped talking about how skinny I am, and when I look at myself lately, all I can see is fat. It's frustrating...

I wish I could just be skinny, go back to my safe 600 calories a day. I can't even count them anymore, the process is so overwhelming.

I don't understand how 'normal' people stay within 2000 calories a day--I barely ate anything yesterday (one meal, and two snacks--because I'm a weak ass) and I was already over 1000, you know? It's disgusting!

I'm meeting with a nutritionist on the 30th--so scared. I hope she puts me on a weight loss meal plan, not an ED recovery one. I can't bear to gain more weight...

Puking doesn't get you skinny...

...And I can't eat anymore without wanting to puke.

Resolved

I am done with food. I will not eat, except what I need to get by. I realized this this afternoon, with my head over the toilet (again.) I can't take this any more. I'm not losing weight any more. I'm trying to please too many people. I can please myself, at least, in this regard. Done. With. Food.

I can't TAKE it any more!

I feel fat!! Help!!!!!!!

Not that you can...

I cried my heart out to my case manager at the program this evening, then I called my friend. She told me to remember that I'm strong.

Honestly? I don't know how strong I am. But I am drunk right now, slightly, which is OK. Not the best, but OK. I ate a *lot* this evening, which I am determined not to purge. Help me be strong! I can't handle this b/ping any more. It's gotta go. Ideally, I would just stop eating, but right now? It's just damage control. I can't purge (besides, I'd lose the wine!)

I'm pathetic. I know.

But you know what?? Everything's gonna be all right. I swear it. Minus the swearing part (because I can't do that!) Everything is. Life sorts itself out, and things will be OK. Take heart!

xoxo