Thursday, June 30, 2011

Panic Attack!

2 things: I just ate a huuuuuuuuuge salad, and I thought I would be OK with that, but I'm NOT, and there's noplace to puke! Aaaaaaah!
And
I just met with a nutritionist. For the first time. I now have a meal plan. I thought that I would be ok with that, too...but I'm sooooooo not. I'm having a mild panic attack, and I'm not sure why. Also? 3 meals AND 3 snacks??? RIDICULOUS!! I can't DO this! Help!

Life is really stressful right now. They're bumping me up to a partial program next week, and I feel really weird about that. I do not think my eating habits merit this, for one, and for another....I'm just so not ready to get better. *sigh*

I could quit now, but then where would my life be? No. I need this. I don't want it, but I need it. (Help!)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Freaked Out, Losing Control

I'm sinking deeper and deeper into bulimia, and this scares the hell out of me. I'm NOT going to get thin that way--I can't even get everything OUT when I puke. It scares me that I'm beginning to find comfort in this process, and I don't know how to handle it. I'm a wee bit frightened by what's going on in my head. I don't want this. I want to restrict, and restrict, and restrict, until I'm thinner than I've ever been; until people start noticing that something's up; until I feel free from all the baggage in my life...but instead, I get to spend every night eating whatever's in the house and then spend the rest of it with my head in the toilet--why?? Why is this happening to me?? All I wanted to do was Not Eat in simplicity and peace...and instead I get this. This is not the path that I would have chosen, not in the least...

Monday, June 27, 2011

Also?

My hair is falling out in a major way. This is unsettling....

Skinny

I want to be skinny. Skinny is something I will never be.

I will go through this course of 'recovery,' and then I will go back to the most efficient means of becoming skinny I can find, whatever that means may be. I can't live like this, though, with the bulimia ruling my life--you don't get thin from puking...

Thursday, June 23, 2011

!!!!!!!!!

139 IN JEANS!!!!! WHICH MEANS I'm REALLY ABOUT 137-138!!!!!! I BROKE THE 140 MARK!!!!!!!

*sigh*

I've decided to go into the partial hospitalization program at the treatment center I'm currently at. :(

I was purging the other night, when all of a sudden, it felt comfortable--I wanted to just keep going: that scared me. I don't mind it when not eating feels that way, but purging?? THAT scares the shit out of me.

I'm NOT 100% committed to getting better, though (whatever 'better' means...) I...don't know how this is going to go.

I'm scared. Scared of a lot of things (will I be able to get by financially for 3-6 weeks? AM I GOING TO GET FAT??? Will I lose my girlfriend if this doesn't work out? Etc etc etc--SO many fears...) It's stressing me out.

My case manager told me that she's proud of me. I can't deal with that. DON'T be proud of me for making an unavoidable decision. Besides, I might change my mind in 2 weeks' time when my jobs are done and I have the time to go and do this thing...

I'm NOT happy with this decision, and I'm more scared than I was before I got any treatment at all--what am I DOING???

Comforting thought: I can always go back, and not tell anyone this time 'round. I guess...

Hope you're all well.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

I wonder...

I was stuck at 160, 163 for a good long while. Am I going to be stuck at 140, 143 for the same amount of time? What changed, so that I lost all that weight so quickly??? And more importantly, will I still be able to lose weight now that I'm STUCK on a 'recovery' track?

Important questions...

Recovery

What do you think it is? I can't figure it out.

I have a friend who says that she considers her ED to be like her asthma: it'll always be there, but it'll only act up sometimes. My treatment team said that your attitude will define that, but honestly? I think it WILL always be there, just waiting for hte right combination of circumstances to reactivate it, even if I ever figure out a way for this thing to go into 'remission' so to speak.

So I want to know what YOU think recovery is, if YOU think recovery is even a possibility. How are you supposed to recover, when you don't even know what you're aiming for, you know?

Comfort

I think...I think that I find not eating comforting. I don't know why. But I've had the most relaxing past few days possible, and I haven't been eating/at the recovery program.

It makes me want to quit, knowing that I would have this kind of peace in my life if I just stopped going, but I know that peace wouldn't be permanent. I want PERMANENT peace in my life...or at least something long term.

But Oh! It was sooooo nice not having to worry about dinners and recording what I have/haven't eating, marking 'Behaviors' down on a piece of paper to quantify for the insurance companies...It was nice to be able to not eat in peace. I miss that. I do...

Friday, June 17, 2011

Sharing the joy!

...I'm wearing size 6 pants today--that's down 6 sizes from where I was! And there's no one out there to appreciate this fact!! I just want to be excited about it! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

And all hell breaks loose...

I told my girlfriend a lot of what's been going on lately last night--no bueno. Closest thing we've had to a fight yet. She doesn't understand--literally does not understand--why I'm not better yet.

*sigh*

Rough night...rough life. What a fucking fiasco.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Fat Day

Some days? I wish it was socially appropriate to announce to facebook that you're having a fat day, just so that you could get it off your chest...

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Smoking doesn't taste as good when you're eating

I gave up quitting. This is going to be an expensive decision, but fuck it all--I can't handle this shit any more!

I'm proud of myself, though!! I'm at about 800 calories today--not glorious, but better than the gobs and gobs I have been consuming! Yay!

Measures of Fat

I've gained about 5 lbs (gag me now...). How do I know? First off, the scale. Yes, the scale. I know you're all surprised there. But also, my grandmother has stopped talking about how skinny I am, and when I look at myself lately, all I can see is fat. It's frustrating...

I wish I could just be skinny, go back to my safe 600 calories a day. I can't even count them anymore, the process is so overwhelming.

I don't understand how 'normal' people stay within 2000 calories a day--I barely ate anything yesterday (one meal, and two snacks--because I'm a weak ass) and I was already over 1000, you know? It's disgusting!

I'm meeting with a nutritionist on the 30th--so scared. I hope she puts me on a weight loss meal plan, not an ED recovery one. I can't bear to gain more weight...

Monday, June 6, 2011

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Resolved

I am done with food. I will not eat, except what I need to get by. I realized this this afternoon, with my head over the toilet (again.) I can't take this any more. I'm not losing weight any more. I'm trying to please too many people. I can please myself, at least, in this regard. Done. With. Food.

I can't TAKE it any more!

Friday, June 3, 2011

I feel fat!! Help!!!!!!!

Not that you can...

I cried my heart out to my case manager at the program this evening, then I called my friend. She told me to remember that I'm strong.

Honestly? I don't know how strong I am. But I am drunk right now, slightly, which is OK. Not the best, but OK. I ate a *lot* this evening, which I am determined not to purge. Help me be strong! I can't handle this b/ping any more. It's gotta go. Ideally, I would just stop eating, but right now? It's just damage control. I can't purge (besides, I'd lose the wine!)

I'm pathetic. I know.

But you know what?? Everything's gonna be all right. I swear it. Minus the swearing part (because I can't do that!) Everything is. Life sorts itself out, and things will be OK. Take heart!

xoxo