Cookies are hard to purge...

I've started sorting the world into "purge" foods and "not good for purging" foods...::SIGH::
I need to get a GRIP!

Irene

Irene is coming our way, and it's affecting my eating disorder, haha. I'm wondering if I have enough food in the house, twice over--one: because if I run out, I won't have to eat and two: because if I run out, I CAN'T eat. I'm struggling between whether I should follow my meal plan this weekend or not, and it's a tough choice. I WANT to be in the midst of my eating disorder, so badly (WHY can't I SHAKE it????) but at the same time, I have to realize that I'm in the midst of recovery, and I should be acting that way, not the other way around. Should I go grocery shopping? I *think* that I have enough food, assuming I don't go on a wild binge streak like last night. It's worrisome.

In other news, apparently I need to be eating full breakfasts, or making up the exchanges somewhere else in the day, so says my nutritionist (and I've come to the realization that ALL nutritionists are scary, scary people in their own ways...) So...guess I have to start getting up earlier in order to make myself the damned breakfasts--no more getting away with just a Luna Bar and coffee...Alas!

Bad Night

I kept waking up to B/P last night...like...5 times total. This is a new record for me, and I do not think it's one that I like.

I don't know where I stand on this "recovery" issue. I don't want to give up my habits, but I need to in order to live a full life...but I can't care enough right now. Alas...

Weird

I don't feel as many urges to use behaviors as I used to (I'm so used to censoring my statements now, haha--I call them all "behaviors" instead of what they are--binging, purging, restricting, and cutting...also, apparently, body checking/comparisons, and overeating.)

I don't know where I stand right now--my eating disorder is still trying to take over my life, but it's not as strong as it used to be. I worked REALLY hard to learn not to eat, and I'm working REALLY HARD to learn to eat normally, for once in my life. It's REALLY HARD. And I feel really weird about the whole thing (Do I even still need to be in treatment right now???)

A lot of emotions are surfacing, which used to just be buried deep inside. It's awfully uncomfortable to deal with, and tack on a mood disorder on top of that? Yeah...

I always wonder, when we have a Recovery Speaker come in, how my recovery story will eventually go: I was really crazy for a long time, then there was a family meeting, and I had an epiphany, but it wasn't a "hallelujah/angels' chorus" moment--it was a slow, arduous process...and eventually the ED was only a tiny voice in the back of my head, never rearing its ugly head again.

Maybe something like that...

Having nothing to do is bad for me

I could go to bed RIGHT NOW (...it's not even 5:30 yet.)

All I want to do when I'm bored is eat and sleep. I need something to do with my life. Stat.

...And I'm OUT...again

My insurance company is the dumbest insurance company ever--I wasn't even in residential a full week this time 'round before they decided to kick me out because I wasn't engaging in Behaviors (which I COULDN'T engage in within those walls) and because I wasn't actively suicidal (which is something I was thanking the LORD for...)

So now it's the weekend, and I'm free as a bird, without any support. Great.

I'm greatly ambivalent about this whole "recovery" thing--on the one hand, I recognize its necessity in moving forward with life. On the other, I feel this great need to keep a death grip on my problems. I feel defined by them...but what is a life that is defined by Problems? I'm reaching a stage in my life where I HAVE to be able to move beyond them, where they're beginning to interfere with the things I want to do. I'm not in the bubble of college any more. I HAVE to be able to function within the confines of the "real world" and that's not going to happen if I'm b/ping all. the time. or cutting every other night/week, you know?

I need to find a way to integrate these things into my PAST, to appreciate them for what they WERE, and not for what they ARE to me any more.

I'm also in a lot of trouble when it comes to meds. I've been off my mood stabilizer since two Saturdays ago, and I felt really good about it because I HATED it--it was making me shaky and making my hair fall out, and flatlining me like none other. AND it wasn't helping with the lows, so since no one in the program was doing anything about it, *I* decided to take it into my own hands and do something about it. So I stopped the drug.

But now, they really want me to take a new one, that's really going to require a commitment to take it. I am NOT a "commitment" person. Not in the least. I periodically decide that I'm fine, and don't need my meds any more, so I stop taking them, but if I do this with THIS drug, it basically counts it out for me (you can get a life-threatening rash on this drug, and the likelihood of that increases the more you start/stop it...) so if it WORKS, I'll be screwing myself out of something that could really, really help...

I just don't know what to do. My life is a mess right now, and I can't clean it up (much like my bedroom, which is currently a DISASTER zone, and part of why I'm sitting at Starbucks on my second venti iced coffee instead of heading home to face the music, haha) I'm so frustrated. And lonely. At least when I was in residential, there were always PEOPLE around. Now, I feel so alone....

I have more to say, but I'll probably say it later.

I'm fighting the urge to restrict today. I know that if I do that, the likelihood of gaining weight increases (and I still DESPERATELY want to lose weight...) because I'd be shutting down my metabolism, and because I'd be more likely to b/p, which is never 100% efficient...(I'm beginning to think about diet pills...) but the temptation is so great! (Also, I'm already doing it, not having had breakfast, morning snack, OR lunch at this point--just a conglomeration of some soup and chips, which have NOTHING to do with my current meal plan....they were just there, and I was hungry. I've been REALLY, REALLY hungry lately, and that disturbs me. I can't figure it out. It might just be the emotional need to eat, but it feels physical, and I can't tell any more. I just know that I WANT TO EAT. ALL. THE. TIME. ...except when I don't. I was doing so well in the program, and now that I'm on my own, I'm doing terribly. I need help still. In a major way....)

Anyway, that's all for now. Good luck, dearest readers, in your pursuits.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone...

I realize that I wouldn't wish an ED on anyone. It's just one of the most awful things around, and recovery from it is a bitch, if you even ever get around to TRYING to recover.

I think I will always have my ED. Even after I get out of residential and partial and IOP, it will always be there--a sinister friend, lurking, waiting for the right time to shine.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I hope you all find ways out of this bitch of a cycle. I hope you all learn to garner yourselves some self-acceptance and maybe even self-love (I know, it's impossible and far off...) I hope you all get out of this vicious son of a bitch cycle of behaviors. I do....

I'll be back with more, but it's difficult to post/respond when you're physically IN treatment. ::sigh::

I do hope all's well with you all. I miss you, dear readers...

134

This morning, I weighed 133.8 naked. This is, apparently, the ideal weight for my gender and height. The healthy range is 119-149. I want to weigh 119. This is my new goal. All I want is to be thin.

A person is not her weight, but her weight is part of a person.

I have a lot to say, that I'll probably put in another post. But oh! My life! What a fuckin' mess...