Torture

I don't want to get better, but I do want to live a peaceful life.

Even if I do get better, my life will not be peaceful, because I'll always be battling my demons.

Some people weren't built for peace...

New Discoveries

I am a rather contrary, stubborn individual, and these are not necessarily positive qualities to possess.

Bored. Frustrated. Angry. These are how I'm feeling.

Also full, fat, gross, and out of shape.

I will get over it (when I get out of here)

Also, I may never eat another piece of fruit again in my life once I'm free of this motherfucking place....

Residential

So, I'm here. It's taking some adjusting.

I'm in such a battle right now with myself, between wanting to get better, and wanting to feel better the only way I know how. This is going to be hard....

Fuck

I'm going to Residential.

Will probably be MIA for the next few weeks...

M.I.A.

Out of shame, mostly. I've been eating like a pig (and puking!! I can do it again!!! Though it frightens me that I'm doing that...)

So, Wednesday, it occurred to me after dinner that I'd been mostly following my meal plan since the Friday before--a combination of the partial program and laziness (it's easier just to give in sometimes...) I didn't know how I felt about that, but then I got this overwhelming urge to do bad things to myself. I cut seriously for the first time in MONTHS. My fear is that with the eating disorder behaviors in check (kind of), the cutting is going to come back with a vengeance. I'm not OK with that--the ED at least FELT safe, you know? The cutting? It's gotta go.

So I tried NOT to follow my meal plan this weekend, and wound up BINGEING, BINGEING, BINGEING...and now that I'm eating so much, I CAN'T afford those calories...

I'm so FRUSTRATED. I'm stuck in this limbo place of kind of eating, REALLY eating, and restricting all at once, and it's very FRUSTRATING.

This shit's hard, dudes. Hard.

In other news, I decided that every successful endeavor I've ever launched has had a playlist, so this one needs one, too. It's my ED/Recovery play list, and I'm really excited to have it. It was a lot of fun putting it together! (I hope I succeed at SOMETHING, whether it's restricting or recovering. It's just so tough to be in this middle place of NOTHINGNESS. GAH!)

I hope you're all well out there in reader-dom.

Meal Plan

Soooo, I've been sticking to my meal plan (mostly) for the past four days or so. After the initial shock...it got a little better, and now I can do it. It still freaks me out--lunch time is a sad affair--but I can manage it.

Problem: once I start eating, I can't stop. And now, since I'm basically not restricting, I can't afford all those extra bingey calories. :(

I don't know how I feel about all this. I miss being hungry. Hell, I GET hungry on this meal plan, but now instead of pushing through it, I feel like I HAVE to eat (that disturbs me...) I don't know. I just don't know any more. What am I doing??

Fat Day

Today is one of 'em. No matter what, all I can see is my *fat*--It's EVERYWHERE! And there's no place to freak out, because no one else gets it, so you guys get the brunt of it (sorry!)

I cried after lunch today. It's just SUCH a traumatizing experience, and I can't even explain why! There's just so much FOOD! Snacks, I can handle, but meals? No es bueno. And I can't eat it all, so I have to deal with everyone staring, and THEN I have to deal with that damn Ensure (I'm SO SICK of them, and it's only my third day of drinking them!) All the calories! All that FOOD, just sitting in my belly! And all the food I wasted...*sigh* The guilt is endless, and I can't deal with it.

And I'm fat. Fat, fat, fat, FAT....

Good Mood!

It's a beautiful day here, I am dressed up, I do not have to eat today, and I DO NOT have to be at the PHP today--life is good!

This message brought to you by the letter C and the "I'm in a Good Mood" Committee! :)

(Only problem? I'm FAT today...but that's mitigated by how wonderful everything else is!)

Well, shit...

Went on a pretty sizable binge. Couldn't purge. Now I'm freaking out, and there's no one who could understand out there...

Irony

A bulimic who can't puke. Yup. That's right. I can't do it anymore. For now, anyway. I'm gonna try and give my throat a rest and see if that gag reflex comes back. In the meanwhile, it's pure restriction...

I started the partial hospitalization program (PHP) yesterday--it was AWFUL. Every 5 seconds, it feels like, they're making you shove food down your face. I cried a lot--at my former case manager, at my friend, by myself...I was SO FULL *all day long* yesterday, it was DISGUSTING. And last night, I completely freaked out. Completely. I used almost every negative coping skill I could think of, because I was so freaked out.

I feel so *trapped* right now--do this program and keep my relationships but lose my comforting negative coping skills, or DON'T do the program and face THOSE consequences...it'd almost be easier to die, I think sometimes...but I'm not suicidal right now. Just...worn out. Overwhelmed. Freaking the hell out. This shit is SCARY, and I DO NOT like it.

But, now that I've done one day of the program and managed to NOT stuff my face at night, I think I can come up with some sort of livable situation until my head screws itself on the right way and I realize that I need to eat to live, etc. So I'm a little calmer today. And I don't have to go in tomorrow because I have Appointments all day long, so no more dealing with this shit until Friday, and then there's the weekend (oh, the weekend...)

In other news, I'm going to try to donate blood today for the first time in *years*--I'm always so afraid that they're going to reject me, this time because of all the meds I'm on. But we shall see. Maybe they'll take me, and maybe I won't faint when they're done? :). I just feel like I *should* donate blood as often as I can. It's the right thing to do, you know?

I hope you all are well. Be strong, on whatever courses you may be taking at the moment, and don't let the world get you down. Life's too short for that shit.

Problem:

My hair is about 1/2 as thick as it was two months ago, and it's falling out like CRAZY still, even though I'm eating more than I was two months ago. WTF do I DO about this??? It COULD be the lithium, but they reduced my dosage, and I'm just not sure how to proceed. Also, it's freaking me out. My hair has ALWAYS been my pride and my joy, the only part of my body that I appreciated. :( And now it's going....HELP!

Officially Bulimic

I saw the paper work yesterday--it's official, I guess.

The diagnosis I've been trying to avoid for two years...

138 today (down about a pound and a half from a week and a half ago), and I can see the ribs near my collarbone when I put my hair up, but I'm still FAT.

Why do I DO this to myself???

Bored. Killing time. Thirsty. So what do I do? Go in search of a smoothie, despite the fact that I've eaten most of a dinner AND a damnable supplemental drink because I couldn't finish my dinner (motherfucking program!)

The place doesn't have smoothies. So I order a FroYo--only 125 calories plus the fruit--fine. But now? NOW I want to PUKE, and there's no place to DO it because I'm in public and I'm freaking the hell OUT and there's no one to SHARE this with because no one GETS it. I'm FAT. My foodstuffs are making me FAT. WHY can't I just STARVE myself? WHY do I have to go through all this food, this bingeing and purging, this nasty, disgusting, FAT-MAKING cycle all the bloody time? GAH!I just want freedom from this--THIN freedom from this, that is. Not "fat and happy" freedom, no no no. I will NEVER be fat and happy, because you CAN'T be happy if you're fat. It doesn't WORK that way. GAH! Just...just GAH! Save me from myself! I just wish I could do this the RIGHT way. And I wish I'd never stopped for FroYo. Baaaaad idea. Bad idea...