156

I'm 156 naked now (159 with clothes on.)  This is a somewhat improvement. I'm making some progress.  I kind of like the challenge to it, though when there's food available I ALWAYS give in.

Truth to tell, though? I don't feel particularly sane right now. Not at all....

An Adventurous Weekend...

I've realized that food issues are something that is completely private--it's not something that one shares with the world.  Why, then, have a blog? Because sometimes even your most private thoughts need to leak out into the world.  They need to be shared.

This weekend, I found myself staring down a bottle of pills. I freaked myself out, and I freaked my girlfriend out, and I freaked out a few friends, too.  I swear, it's the not eating that gets me to this point. But can I stop? No. I'm so determined to lose those damn 15 lbs that I can't stop, even if it means my death. That's stupid--completely stupid.  But I can't stop. I'm sunk.

In other news, I've realized that I've gone far too long without being intellectually stimulated.  Thank the Lord, I'm taking classes again. It's opened my eyes to what I need from the world. I need intellect. I need to study something to be happy. I need music in my life. I need to be so immersed in something that I can't separate myself from it.

I need to eat normally...

4 lbs

Four pounds down after two days of eating practically nothing.

...My aunt baked cookies. I am trying SO HARD to avoid them.

Wasted

I read it. It was fascinating. I'm still on a path to being Sick.

Good Day

(Yes, I'm back to "good days" and "bad days")
After my failed resolution (I failed pretty quickly, huh?) to start a liquid diet--I ate a TON that day and then puked it all back up--I was really, really good yesterday. I had about 5 bites of the risotto that my boss bought for lunch...and that was it. All day.

I figure cigarettes are cheaper than food, right?

I'm a little worried about today, though--I already ate the rest of the risotto, which I was supposed to save for lunch, and I'm actually going *home* tonight, where the temptation to eat is VAST and ABUNDANT.

But yesterday, it was like I turned over a new leaf.  I'm going to lose at least 15 lbs--this is my current goal--and I will do it any way possible. I am determined.

145

I don't think this is what she meant to happen, but my therapist had a little bet-type thing going with me that if I checked with health services (or my doctor, whatever) about healthy weight ranges, my goal weight wouldn't be in it....but it's only 15 lbs below the topmost point of the range at 130.  So, I've written 145 on my hand and it is staying there until I reach it (145 being the "healthy" zone.)  I am doing a liquid day tomorrow, and then maybe limited food the day after, and then another liquid day, and I am going to continue until I get to 145 or I die. Whichever comes first. (Or, if recent experience is any indicator, until I completely lose my will power and go back to binging without purging, fatty mcfatterton that I am...)  I'm hoping that by avoiding food only one day at a time, then it'll all be more manageable. I can  handle this. I can get to 145, and I can do it FAST. Dammit.

so yeah, some thoughts

Today, I met with my new psych/prescriber person.  She noted the ED stuff on my sheet, and said that we don't have to talk about it yet, but it's something that she WILL help me through. I...don't know how I feel about that. I feel...oddly comforted, knowing someone's out there who cares about it, but at the same time, I don't WANT to work through this until I'm bloody well THIN.

I haven't been good today. I feel like I should be done with the "good" evaluation aspect of it all, and just rejoice in it when it happens. But if I don't note when I'm good, how am I ever going to positively reinforce that behaviour?

Also, I'm hungry. I want to eat, and eat, and eat, and eat. But I won't.  My favorite pair of jeans has worn through at the thigh, a tribute to how FAT I am, and that should be motivation enough...

So yeah. Those are my thoughts for the moment.

I don't know...

No matter what I do, I can't stay below 160.  Right now, I am 160 on the dot, which is pretty good for me--5 lbs down from "the usual," but no matter what I do (starve, eat, purge, whatever) I can't stay below that.  All I want is to get down to 130. I want to be thin. I want to know that I'm thin. Is that too much to ask? I just...want to be thin.

What I am doing is not sustainable

I can't keep this up. I'm screwing up my metabolism. AND I CAN'T STOP. But I'll HAVE TO. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

So, things...

Things have been going pretty decently--I seem to be losing SOME weight, despite my periodic eating binges, which is really exciting, and I've managed to sort of chill out on the eating, with the start of classes and continuation of work.  My friend came up from another big city this weekend and said that I was skinny(!!!) (YAY!) So I think things are starting to pay off.  (Now if only they'll continue!)

Now, the only problem is stopping the binges.  I wish I could better control myself, but I guess that's something that comes with time and practice.

Also, on the topic of thinspiration, does it really help you? All it does for me is send me into fits of bleak despair that I will never be that tiny...