This, too, shall pass

Once I had Things To Do, and there was no food to eat, things got better. Getting back on track. Today? I felt almost skinny, until the end of the day when I saw my reflection. Ah well. Someday...

I wish they had an online blog community for "being fucked up"

I would TOTALLY join that...

Things are really fucked up right now. I'm back to being semi-suicidal, I can't stop eating, and I want to cut like NOTHING ELSE.

Elm

BY SYLVIA PLATH

For Ruth Fainlight

I know the bottom, she says. I know it with my great tap root:   

It is what you fear.

I do not fear it: I have been there.

Is it the sea you hear in me,   

Its dissatisfactions?

Or the voice of nothing, that was your madness?

Love is a shadow.

How you lie and cry after it

Listen: these are its hooves: it has gone off, like a horse.

All night I shall gallop thus, impetuously,

Till your head is a stone, your pillow a little turf,   

Echoing, echoing.

Or shall I bring you the sound of poisons?   

This is rain now, this big hush.

And this is the fruit of it: tin-white, like arsenic.

I have suffered the atrocity of sunsets.   

Scorched to the root

My red filaments burn and stand, a hand of wires.

Now I break up in pieces that fly about like clubs.   

A wind of such violence

Will tolerate no bystanding: I must shriek.

The moon, also, is merciless: she would drag me   

Cruelly, being barren.

Her radiance scathes me. Or perhaps I have caught her.

I let her go. I let her go

Diminished and flat, as after radical surgery.   

How your bad dreams possess and endow me.

I am inhabited by a cry.   

Nightly it flaps out

Looking, with its hooks, for something to love.

I am terrified by this dark thing   

That sleeps in me;

All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.

Clouds pass and disperse.

Are those the faces of love, those pale irretrievables?   

Is it for such I agitate my heart?

I am incapable of more knowledge.   

What is this, this face

So murderous in its strangle of branches?——

Its snaky acids kiss.

It petrifies the will. These are the isolate, slow faults   

That kill, that kill, that kill.

Sylvia Plath, “Elm” from Collected Poems. Copyright © 1960, 1965, 1971, 1981 by the Estate of Sylvia Plath. Editorial matter copyright © 1981 by Ted Hughes. Used by permission of HarperCollins Publishers.

wah wah wah

I ate too much. For like, the third day in a row. And I want to go puke, but I don't want to puke up my meds and my coffee. Wah wah wah. Poor baby.

I wish I could just STOP EATING already--what are some things you guys do when you feel lie your eating is out of control? (IF you ever feel that way, that is...)

Good! Go me!

I was GOOD yesterday! I only ate 2 servings of beef jerky (WHY do I buy that shit???? It's TERRIBLE!!) I resisted dinner at the GF's. SO good! Now, I just need to make it through today with a similar status...

Crap!

Yesterday, I binged on like...everything in sight. And just as I was going to purge? My grandmother comes home, and I can't. I'm going to weigh a million and a HALF pounds pretty soon, instead of just a million....

Today, I'm going to try to be good. Didn't bring any food with me, and I'm at work, so we'll see how that goes (should have brought a diet coke, though!)

This morning, I was standing at the bus stop, when this wave of nausea/feintness washes over me--I hope this doesn't mean that I'm getting ill...

I'm hungry!!!!

It won't stop, and I can't control it!!!!!!!

Gross.

As someone else put it, I've managed to turn my Skinny Girl Diet into the FAT girl diet. ::Sigh::

We had a snow day on Wednesday, and when I'm home, all there is to do is EAT, so I ate.  ...ALL DAY. And since I couldn't purge for whatever reason, I decided that laxatives were the way to go--WRONG.  They didn't kick in until about 3 am (too late to do any good whatsoever for the calories concerned) and I spent ALL. DAY. on the toilet shitting my guts out. Disgusting! But I guess it's what I deserve for all the eating I did. I wish I could just control my eating like a normal person, but nooooooo....

So, I've been like an EATING MONSTER all week. It's so gross! I NEED to stop, but I just can't! I HATE it!!

In other news, I talked with my MD and decided to start the bipolar meds again. Maybe that will help me control the cravings (haha--not! But at least I don't have to worry about winding up in the hospital again, I guess...)

Impromptu Afternoon Off!

Woo hoo! ...but now I don't know what to DO with myself! If I go home, I'll EAT! Because that's what I DO when I'm bored (and I have tomorrow off, too, oh boy oh boy...)

I decided to get a skinny vanilla latte--let me tell you, NOT a win. It tastes gross and has about 130 calories. TOO MANY! It's time to break out the diet cokes again. Those are my saviour when I'm trying not to eat.

In other news, I think I'm going slowly crazy as the meds wean out of my system. I'm a wee bit worried about all of this, as mentioned before. I'm SO ANTSY. And I don't think the Not Eating is helping.

I need to come up with plans to avoid food, too, because I'm pretty sure my grandma's going to make dinner pretty much every night, and it is Not To Be Avoided. Maybe *I'll* start making it, and claim that I picked while cooking and therefore am full...but that'll only work some nights.

But I'm really excited! I stepped on the scale this morning, and I was down to 155 for the first time in MONTHS--that's five pounds less than it was the LAST time I checked. Here's hoping it stays! I mean, I'm still a complete fat ass, but that's 5 lbs LESS of fat-ass-dom! Yay!

Thinking thin,

Yours.

adderoll

So, I have a prescription for this for attentional issues, and I run back and forth on it about using it for appetite control... Well, I have about three pills left, and went to fulfill my prescription today, but they WOULDN'T TAKE IT since it was more than a month old!  I'm going to be having some unfortunate weeks ahead of me....

Skinny Girl Day One

I'm not going to keep you updated with a blow-by-blow update of what I ate every day, etc, because a) that's boring and b) I'm just going to fail.

Today, I did GREAT until I got home and my grandma cooked dinner for me. I pigged out--once I started eating, I couldn't stop. It was *embarrassing*!  Maybe tomorrow I will do better.

I told my girlfriend about the ED today, and she didn't run away screaming. I think that this is a good sign...

Confession:

I am feeling super self-destructive tonight. I purged again, for the first time in a while. And I want to keep going, but I'm pretty sure I got as far as I possibly could.  But man, oh man, do I want to do more and more and more.

I ate waaaaaaaay too much today--anything in site, twice over.  I think the reason why is because I resolved to start that diet Monday, so I went into hoarding mode.  I regret this decision.

I want to cut.  I want to purge. I want to take out my feelings on my body.

Nervous

(I'm just going to repeat-post what I posted at http://anamiachronicles.blogspot.com/)

Tomorrow is Christmas for us--the horror of the holidays aren't over for the Orthodox Christians yet--and I'm really nervous about it.  There is going to be so. much. food. I don't even know what to do about it.

I've been pretty good these past two days, finally getting back on track after the OTHER holidays with my other relatives, but tomorrow? Tomorrow's not looking so hot.

I think my plan right now is to go ahead and eat whatever, but start the Skinny Girl Diet on Monday. I'm afraid that isn't going to work out, though, because I have virtually zero will power, and when things start getting fuzzy, I start eating.

I'm also really nervous that my not eating is going to fuck my head up.  I'm supposedly bipolar, though I don't believe that, and I just stopped taking the meds they prescribed (and let me tell you--it feels GOOD to finally be free!) but the last time I wasn't eating and stopped my meds, I wound up in the hospital, and I do NOT want a repeat of that...ever. Again.  But I can't go back to eating normally, and from where I am, one can only restrict more.

I'm fucking myself up.

This is not going to turn out well. Not going to turn out well at all...

I find...

I find that if you ride out the hunger, it goes away.
I also find that if you give your body an inch, in terms of food, it takes it a mile. Miles and miles and miles sometimes.
These are my observations.

I purged for the first time in about two months the other day. I'm not happy about it, but it felt so much like the right thing to do at the time. I'm NOT going to make a habit of it. I'd rather restrict. But sometimes, things just get out of control.

Also, I think that I use purging as a form of self-punishment, in lieu of cutting. Huh.

I think...

...that I'm going to try the Skinny Girl Diet once Russian Christmas is over. We'll see.

My aunt told me last night that I was skinny, and that I was obsessed with calories. I don't believe her on either count.